Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Xander: "Can I have you?"
Buffy: "..."
Xander: "Uh...can I help you?"

Willow: "I thought Xander was gonna' show up."
Buffy: "Oh, are you guys going out?"
Willow: "No, we're just friends. We used to go out, but we broke up."
Buffy: "How come?"
Willow: "He stole my Barbie."
Buffy: "..."
Willow: "Oh, we were 5."

Xander: "I laugh in the face of danger, and then I hide until it goes away."

Xander: "It's not what you think!"
Willow: "You like to look at the semi-nude engravings?"
Xander: "Oh, well, I guess it is what you think."

Xander: "This is a question that no one particularly wants to hear, but... where did they put his head?"
Willow: "Good point. I didn't want to hear that."

Giles: "Yes, she's lovely in a common, extremely well-proportioned way."

Xander: "So Buffy, how'd the slaying go last night?"
Buffy: "Xander!"
Xander: "I mean, how'd the laying go last night? No, I don't mean that either."

Xander: "We just saw the zebras mating. Thank you, very exciting!"
Willow: "It was like the Heimlich, with stripes!"

Master: "I am weary, and their deaths will bring me little joy. Of course, sometimes a little is enough."

Darla: "What do you want?"
Angel: "I want it finished."
Darla: "That's good. You're hurting me. That's good too."

Xander: "Ah, the post-fumigation party."
Buffy: "Okay, so what's the difference between this and the pre-fumigation party?"
Xander: "Much heartier cockroaches."

Buffy: "It's weird, though. In this way, I feel like he's still watching me."
Willow: "Well, in a way he sort of is... in the way of that he's right over there."

Giles: "Well, I've examined it. You can, uh, uh, skin it."
Miss Calendar: "Scan it. Rupert, that's 'scan' it."

Buffy: "This guy could be anybody. He could be weird or crazy or old or...he could be a circus freak--he's probably a circus freak!"
Xander: "Yeah, I mean we read about it all the time. You know, people meet on the net, they talk, they get together, have dinner, a show...horrible axe murder."
Buffy: "Willow, axe murdered by a circus freak!"
...
Buffy: "We are totally overreacting!"
Xander: "But it's fun, isn't it?"

Miss Calendar: "You're here again? You kids really dig the library, don't you?"
Buffy: "We're literary."
Xander: "To read makes our speaking English good."

Miss Calendar: "The first thing we have to do is form the Circle of Kayless, right?"
Giles: "Form a circle? But there's only two of us. That's really more of a line."

Wendell: "I don't know what to say about that."
Xander: "There's nothing to say. You saw two hundred insects. You gonzoed. Anybody would've." Wendell: "They're not insects. They're arachnids."
Xander: "They're from the Middle East?"

Willow: "What do you mean you 'love spiders'?"
Xander: "It is platonic, right?"

Cordelia: "I know that you share this feeling that we have for each other, deep down."
Willow: "Nausea?"

Snyder: "One day, the campus is completely bare, empty. The next, there are children everywhere...like locusts. Crawling around, mindlessly bent on feeding and mating. Destroying everything in sight in their relentless, pointless desire to exist."
Giles: "Well, I do enjoy these pep talks. Have you ever considered, given your abhorrence of children, that school principal was not, perhaps, your true vocation?"

Xander: "Dreams are meaningful."
Willow: "Sheesh, tell me about it. The other night, I dreamt that Xander--uh, it wasn't Xander. I--In fact, it wasn't me. It was a friend's dream, and she doesn't remember it."

Spike: "If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion was actually there, it would've been like Woodstock."

Spike: "I fed off a flower person, and I spent the next six hours watching my hand move."

Ampata: "You are strange."
Xander: "Girls always tell me that, right before they run away."
Ampata: "I like it."
Xander: "I like you like it. Please, don't learn from my English."

Willow: "Well, you know, I have a choice. I can spend my life waiting for Xander to go out with every other girl in the world until he notices me, or I can just get on with my life."
Buffy: "Good for you."
Willow: "Well, I didn't choose yet."

Drusilla: "Do you love my insides? The parts you can't see."
Spike: "Eyeballs to entrails, my sweet."

Drusilla: "What will your mommy sing when they find your body?"
Boy: "I'm not supposed to talk to people."
Drusilla: "Oh, well I'm not a person, see, so that's just..."

Buffy: "It was terrible. I moped over you for months, sitting in my room, listening to that Divinyls song "I Touch Myself"...of course, I had no idea what it was about."

Willow: "That's Angel."
Xander: "He's Buffy's beau, her special friend."
Ford: "He's not in school, right? He looks older than her."
Xander: "You're not wrong."

Buffy: "This is Ford. We went to school together in LA."
Angel: "Nice to meet you."
Ford: "Whoa, cold hands."
Xander: "You're not wrong."

Willow: "Boy, we blend right in."
Xander: "In no way do we stick out like sore thumbs."
Angel: "Let's look around. You guys check out downstairs."
Xander: "Sure thing, Bossy the Cow."
Willow: "Okay, but do they really stick out?"
Xander: "What?"
Willow: "Sore thumbs. Do they stick out? I mean, have you ever seen a thumb and gone, 'Wow! That baby is sore!'?"
Xander: "You have too many thoughts."

Spike: "Do I have anyone on watch here? It's called security, people. Are you all asleep? Or did we finally find a restaurant that delivers?"

Ford: "I know who you are."
Spike: "Yeah, I know who I am too, so what?"

Cordelia: "Oh, great! Can you help me with a ticket? It's totally bogus. It was a one-way street. I was going one way!"

Eyghon: "Oh, you never had the stomach, but that's okay, 'cause I'm about to rip it out."

Ethan: "This may sting a little, just at first, but don't worry, that'll go away once the searing pain kicks in."

Ms. Calendar: "I'm fine. I mean, I'm not running around, wind in my hair, the hills are alive with the sound of music fine, but...I'm coping."

Xander: "Cordelia Chase, always ready to give a hand to the rich and pretty."
Cordelia: "Which, lucky me, excludes you. Twice."
Xander: "Is murder always a crime?"

Giles: "It's a reliquary. Used to house items of religious significance, most commonly a finger or some other body part from the saint."
Buffy: "Note to self: religion, freaky."

Willow: "I've never seen Buffy like that. She just took off."
Xander: "Well, she didn't go home. I let the phone ring a few hundred times before I remembered her mom is out of town."
Giles: "Well, maybe Buffy unplugged the phone?"
Xander: "No, it's a statistical impossibility for a sixteen-year-old girl to unplug her phone."

Ms. Calendar: "Pretty flimsy excuse for coming by to see me."
Giles: "You should have heard the ones I threw out."

Xander: "Look, I'm not gonna tell, they're not gonna know. Not your friends, not my friends. You wanna' go to the utility closet and make out?"
Cordelia: "God, is that all you ever think about?" ... "Okay."

Buffy: "You think he's too old 'cause he's a senior? Please, my boyfriend had a bicentennial."
Willow: "That's true."

Oz: "I'm gonna' ask you to go out with me tomorrow night, and I'm kinda' nervous about it, actually. It's interesting."
Willow: "Oh, well, if it helps at all, I'm gonna' say 'yes'."
Oz: "Yeah, it helps. It--it creates a comfort zone."

Giles: "Here comes Buffy. Now remember, discretion is the better part of valor."
Xander: "You could have just said 'Shh.' God, are all you Brits such drama queens?"

Giles: "His touch can literally burn the humanity out of you. A true creature of evil can survive the process. No human ever has."
Xander: "What's the problem? We send Cordy to fight this guy, and we go for pizza."

Larry: "Oh, last week, some huge dog jumped out of the bushes and bit me. Thirty-nine stitches. They oughta' shoot these strays."
Oz: "I've been there, man. My cousin Jordy just got his grownup tooth in. Does not like to be tickled."

Willow: "Well, it went fine until Angel showed up and told Buffy's mom that he and Buffy had--well, you know, that...they had...you know...you do know, right?"
Giles: "Oh, yes, sorry."
Willow: "Oh good, 'cause I just realized that being a librarian and all, you maybe didn't know."
Giles: "No, thank you. I got it."

Cordelia: "Nobody told me I was supposed to bring a gift. I was out of the loop on gifts."
Giles: "It's traditional among... um, people."

Willow: "I'm good at medical stuff, since Xander and I used to play doctor all the time."
Xander: "No, she's being literal. She used to have all these medical volumes, and diagnosed me with stuff. I didn't have the heart to tell her she was playing it wrong."
Willow: "Wrong? Why? How did you play doctor?"

Buffy: "So, something ripped him open and ate out his insides."
Willow: "Like an Oreo cookie. Well, except for, you know, without the chocolatey cookie goodness."

Drusilla: "I met an old man. Didn't like him. He got stuck in my teeth."

Kendra: "I call it Mr. Pointy."
Buffy: "You named your stake?"
Kendra: "Yes."
Buffy: "Remind me to get you a stuffed animal."

Angel: "I want to torture you. I used to love it. It's been a long time. I mean, the last time I tortured somebody, they didn't even have chain saws."

Buffy: "So, probably go faster if we split up."
Lily: " Can I come with you?"
Buffy: "Okay, where did I lose you on the whole splitting up thing?"

Ken: "That was not permitted."
Buffy: "Yeah, but it was fun."
Ken: "You've got guts. I think I'd like to slice you open and play with them."

Giles: "Unbelievable. 'Do you like my mask? Isn't it pretty? It raises the dead.' Americans."

Giles: "Cordelia, it's me! It's me!"
Cordelia: "How do we know it's really you and not zombie Giles?"
Giles: "Cordelia, do stop being tiresome."
Cordelia: "It's him."

Willow: "And over here, we have the cafeteria, where we were mauled by snakes."
Xander: "And this is the spot where Angel tried to kill Willow."
Willow: "Oh, and over there in the lounge is where Spike and his gang nearly massacred us all on parent-teacher night. Oh, and up those stairs, I was sucked into a muddy grave."
Xander: "And they say young people don't learn anything in high school nowadays, but, um, I've learned to be afraid."

Debbie: "He'll make you start a dream journal.
Pete: "What's that, like a Barbie thing? "Dear Dream Journal, how come Ken hasn't come around since he got that earring?"

Giles: "I suspect that the finger food contains actual fingers."

Cordelia: "After all that we've been through tonight, this whole who-gets-to-be-Queen-capade seems pretty..."
Buffy: "Damn important."
Cordelia: "Oh, yeah!"

Buffy: "See if you guys can find something to tie him up with."
Joyce: [hands Buffy handcuffs]
Buffy: "Never tell me."

Giles: "Here. I suspect your mother will want to put it on the refrigerator."
Buffy: "Yeah, she saw these scores and her head spun around and exploded."
Giles: "I've been on the Hellmouth too long. That was metaphorical, yes?"

Joyce: "Well, she sounds very unreasonable."
Spike: "She is. She's out of her mind. That's what I miss most about her."

Joyce: "He'll kill us."
Spike: "Not while I breathe. Well, actually, I don't breathe."

Master: "Behold the technical wonder which is about to alter the very fabric of our society. Some have argued that such an advancement goes against our nature. They claim that death is our art. I say to them... well, I don't say anything to them because I kill them."

Buffy: "'A child shall be born of man and goat and have two heads, and the first shall speak only in riddles...' No wonder you like this stuff. It's like reading The Sun."

Shelia Rosenberg: "Willow, you cut off your hair. That's a new look."
Willow: "Yeah, it's just a sudden whim I had--in August."

Buffy: "Okay, so I battle evil. But I don't really win. The bad keeps coming back, and getting stronger. I'm like that kid in the story, the boy that stuck his finger in the duck."
Angel: "Dike."
Buffy: "..."
Angel: "It's another word for dam."
Buffy: "Oh. Okay, that story makes a lot more sense now."

Giles: "And, uh, drop a toadstone into the mixture."
Cordelia: "This? It doesn't look like a toad."
Giles: "No reason it should. It's from inside the toad."
Cordelia: "I hate you."

Buffy: "Actually, I do have a thing."
Angel: "A thing? A date?"
Buffy: "Nice attempt at casual. Actually, I do have a date. Older man. Very handsome. Likes it when I call him Daddy."
Angel: "Your father." ... "It is your father, right?"

Buffy: "So, how's it going with Amy the rat?"
Willow: "Good. She loves her new exercise wheel. She runs around, her nose wiggles--"
Buffy: "I meant, how's it going, changing her back into a human being?"
Willow: "Oh. Still working on it. But I just got her the cutest little bell..."

Angel: "It was a bright afternoon out in front of your school. You walked down the steps. And I loved you."
Buffy: "Why?"
Angel: "'Cause I could see your heart. You held it before you for everyone to see. And I worried that it would be bruised or torn. And more than anything in my life I wanted to keep it safe, to warm it with my own."
Buffy: "That's beautiful. Or taken literally, incredibly gross."
Angel: "I was just thinking that, too."

Faith: "A fight like that and no kill. I'm about ready to pop."
Xander: "Really? Pop?"
Faith: "you up for it?"
Xander: "Oh, I'm up. I'm suddenly very up. It's just, um, I've never been up with people before."
Faith: "Just relax... and take off your pants."
Xander: "Those two concepts are antithetical."
Faith: "Don't worry. I'll steer you around the curves."

Wesley: "I have, in fact, faced two vampires myself. Under controlled circumstances, of course."
Giles: "No danger of finding those here."
Wesley: "Vampires?"
Giles: "Controlled circumstances."

Wesley: "I didn't get this job because of my looks."
Buffy: "I really, really believe that."

Wesley: "These are all the diaries then, yours included?"
Giles: "That's everything. Knock yourself out. Please?"

Buffy: "Will, wait. I'm really sorry."
Willow: "Buff, I'm storming off. It doesn't really work if you come with me."

Buffy: "Willow, you're alive."
Willow: "Aren't I usually?"

Evil Willow: "This is a dumb world. In my world there are people in chains, and we can ride them like ponies."

Buffy: "It was exactly you, Will. Every detail. Except for your not being a dominatrix... as far as we know."
Willow: "Oh, right, me and Oz play Mistress of Pain every night."
Xander: "Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?"
Buffy: "Oh, yeah."

Angel: "Buffy, I... something's happened that... Willow's dead. Hey, Willow. Wait a second."
Xander: "We're right there with you, buddy."

Willow: "It's horrible. That's me as a vampire? I'm so evil, and skanky. And I think I'm kind of gay."
Buffy: "Willow, just remember, a vampire's personality has nothing to do with the person it was."
Angel: "Well, actually... That's a good point."

Willow: "According to Freddy's latest editorial, 'The pep rally is a place for pseudo-prostitutes to provoke men into a sexual frenzy, which, when thwarted, results in pointless athletic competition.'"
Xander: "And the down-side being?"

Buffy: "You had sex with Giles? You had sex with GILES?"
Joyce: "It was the candy. We were teenagers."
Buffy: "On the hood of a police-car?"
Joyce: "I'll be downstairs. You feel better."
Buffy: "Twice?!?"

Mayor Wilkins: "What happened to the courier? I was supposed to pay him."
Faith: "I made him an offer he couldn't survive."

Xander: "So, now, how did that work? Women would wish horrible things on their ex-boyfriends, you'd show up and make it happen."
Anya: "That's right. The power of the Wish made me a righteous sword to smite the unfaithful."
Xander: "Well, hey, good luck with that. Hope it works for you."
Anya: "You know, you can laugh, but I have witnessed a millennium of treachery and oppression from the males of the species, and I have nothing but contempt for the whole libidinous lot of them."
Xander: "Then why are you talking to me?"
Anya: "I don't have a date for the prom."

Anya: "Look I know you find me attractive. I've seen you looking at my breasts."
Xander: "Nothing personal, but when a guy does that, it just means his eyes are open."

Wesley: "I must say, this is all rather odd to me."
Giles: "Oh, yes. Being at an all-male preparatory, we didn't go in for this sort of thing."
Wesley: "No, of course not. Unless you count the nights you made the lowerclassmen get up as girls, and watched them-- Dip is tasty, isn't it?"

Wesley: "I'd like your opinion. While the last thing I wish to do is model bad behavior in front of impressionable youth, I wonder if asking Miss Chase to dance-"
Giles: "For god's sake, man, she's 18! And you have the emotional maturity of a blueberry scone. Just have at it, would you? And stop fluttering about."
Wesley: "Right, then. Thanks for that."

Anya: "When I think that something could happen to you, it feels bad inside, like I might vomit."
Xander: "Welcome to the world of romance."

Cordelia: "I demand an explanation."
Xander: "For what?"
Cordelia: "Wesley."
Xander: "Uh... inbreeding?"

Buffy: "You run?"
Giles: "And jump. And bend. And occasionally frolic."
Buffy: "Okay... and what's with "Motorbike & Scooter" magazine?"
Giles: "Congratulations, you found me out. I'm a mod jogger."

Buffy: "She has parts that keep growing after they're detached. She irons her jeans. She's evil!

Xander: "Oh, why couldn't Giles have shackles like any self-respecting bachelor?"

Xander: "I'm not enjoying this."
Giles: "Well, shelve them correctly and we can finish."
Xander: "I just don't get your crazy system."
Giles: "My system? It's called the alphabet."

Anya: "I can't stop thinking about you. Sometimes, in my dreams, you're all naked."
Xander: "Really? You know, if I'm in the check-out line at Wal-Mart, I've had that same one."

Xander: "So... the crux of this plan is..."
Anya: "Sexual intercourse. I've said it, like, a dozen times."
Xander: "Uh-huh. Just working through a little hysterical deafness here."
Anya: "I think it's the secret to getting you out of my mind. Putting you behind me. Behind me figuratively. I'm thinking face-to-face for the event itself."

Xander: "But sexual interc-- What you're talking about, well--and I'm actually turning into a woman as I say this--but it's about expressing something. And accepting consequences."
Anya: "Oh, I have condoms. Some are black."
Xander: "That's... that's very considerate."
Anya: "I like you. You're funny, and you're nicely shaped. And frankly, it's ludicrous to have these interlocking bodies and not... interlock. Please remove your clothing now."
Xander: "And the amazing thing... still more romantic than Faith."

Buffy: "Oh... my god."
Giles: "It's a sombrero."
Buffy: "And it's on your head."
Giles: "It seemed festive."

Anya: "I thought maybe we could go out tonight. For our anniversary."
Xander: "Anniversary?"
Anya: "It's been exactly one week since we copulated."

Frat Guy 1: "Thanks for the loan, man. Our sound system sucks."
Oz: "Mi Casio es su Casio."

Anya: "Are you listening? Xander's trapped."
Giles: "Where's Buffy and the others?"
Anya: "Oh, they're trapped, too. But we've gotta save Xander!"

Anya [wearing a giant pink bunny suit]: "What?"
Xander: "That's your scary costume?"
Anya: "Bunnies frighten me."

Giles: "Splendid. Well, it's ages since I've been to a gig. Well, don't look that way. I'm... I'm... I'm down with the new music. And I have the albums to prove it."
Buffy: "Yes, but it's your cutting-edge 8-tracks that keep you ahead of the scene."
Oz: "Don't scoff, gang. I've seen Giles' collection. He was an animal in his day."
Giles: "Thank you."
Buffy: "Hey, why not? If the Stones can still keep rolling, why can't Giles?"

Xander: "Every man faces this moment. Here, now. Watching, waiting for an unseen enemy that has no face. Nerve endings screaming in silence. Never knowing which thought might be your last."
Giles: "Oh, shut up."

Riley: "I can't believe it. I choked."
Willow: "You really, really did."
Riley: "You don't understand. I'm good at things. That's what I do. I work hard, apply myself, get it done."
Willow: "Well, you failed extremely well."
Riley: "That's a great comfort to me."

Willow: "You're just making contact. Getting a reaction. Any reaction is okay. Except projectile vomiting, but what are the chances of that...?"

Spike: "I don't understand. This sort of thing's never happened to me before."
Willow: "Maybe you were nervous."
Spike: "I felt all right when we started. Let's try again. [tries to bite Willow, falls back in pain] Damn it!"
Willow: "Maybe you're trying too hard. Doesn't this happen to every vampire?"
Spike: "Not to me, it doesn't!"
Willow: "It's me, isn't it?"
Spike: "What are you talking about?"
Willow: "Well, you came looking for Buffy, then settled. You didn't want to bite me, I just happened to be around."
Spike: "Piffle!"
Willow: "I know I'm not the kind of girl vamps like to sink their teeth into. It's always like, 'Oh, you're like a sister to me,' or, 'Oh, you're such a good friend.'"
Spike: "Don't be ridiculous. I'd bite you in a hearbeat."
Willow: "Really?"
Spike: "Thought about it."
Willow: "When?"
Spike: "Remember last year? You had on that... fuzzy pink number with the lilac underneath?"
Willow: "I never would have guessed. You played the blood-lust kinda cool."
Spike: "I hate being obvious. All fangy and 'grr!' Takes the mystery out."
Willow: "But if you could..."
Spike: "If I could, yeah."
Willow: "You know, this doesn't make you any less terrifying."
Spike: "Don't patronize me!"

Anya: "Look at him. Have you ever seen anything so masculine?"
Buffy: "You mean Guerrero or his wife?"

Buffy: "With Mom at Aunt Darlene's this year, I'm not getting a Thanksgiving. Guess maybe it's just as well."
Anya: "Well, I think that's a shame. I love a ritual sacrifice."
Buffy: "Not really a one of those."
Anya: "To commemorate a past event, you kill and eat an animal. It's a ritual sacrifice. With pie."

Xander: "I don't really feel that bad."
Anya: "I inflicted a lot of putrefying diseases on men when I was an avenging demon. You look like you're getting all of them."
Xander: "Okay, I'll stay. But you should go. You could catch it."
Anya: "We'll die together. It's romantic. Let me get your trousers off."

Buffy: "And, 'Native American.'"
Giles: "Sorry?"
Buffy: "We don't say 'Indian.'"
Giles: "Oh, right. Yes, yes. Always behind on the terms. Still trying not to refer to you lot as 'bloody colonials.'"

Buffy: "We need to boil those and put them through the ricer."
Giles: "I don't think I have a ricer."
Buffy: "You don't have a ricer? What do you mean? How could someone not have a ricer?"
Giles: "Well, do you have one at home?"
Buffy: "I don't know. What's a ricer?"

Willow: "You mean Angel? I saw him, too."
Giles: "That's not terribly stealthy of him."

Spike: "I came to you in friendship. Well, all right, seething hatred..."

Spike: "Come on, now! It's telly time! 'Passions' is on! Timmy's down a bloody well, and if you make me miss it, I'll..."
Giles: "Do what? Lick me to death?"

Spike: "What are you lookin' at?"
Buffy: "The man I love."
Xander: "Can I be blind too?"

Anya: "This isn't a relationship. You don't need me. All you care about is lots of orgasms."
Xander: "Okay, remember how we talked about private conversations? How they're less private when they're in front of my friends?"
Spike: "Oh, we're not your friends. Go on."

Giles: "I have a friend who's coming to town, and I'd like us to be alone."
Anya: "Oh, you mean an orgasm friend?"
Giles: "Yes, that's exactly the most appalling thing you could have said."

Spike: "I'm not having these two shag while I'm tied to a chair three feet away."
Xander: "That's not exactly one of my fantasies, either."

Spike: "Like I'd bite you, anyway."
Xander: "Oh, you would."
Spike: "Not bloody likely."
Xander: "I happen to be very biteable, pal. I'm moist and delicious."
Spike: "All right, yeah, fine. You're a nummy treat."
Xander: "And don't you forget it."

Willow: "So naturally they're dealing with the crisis the only way they know how: "Aftershock party.""
Buffy: "Ah. This from the dorm that brought us the 'Somebody Sneezed Party' and the 'Day that ends in "Y" party.'"

Giles: "You have to help me find him. He must undo this, and then he needs a good being-killed."
Spike: "And I'm supposed to just help you out of the evilness of my heart?"
Giles: "You help me, and I- I don't kill you."
Spike: "Oh, tremendously convincing. Try it again without the stutter."
Giles: "Money? I could pay you money."
Spike: "Oh, I like money. How much?"
Giles: "A hundred dollars?"
Spike: "A hundred dollars. You'll have to do a LOT better than that. 200."
Giles: "Fine."
Spike: "Right, then."
Giles: "Right, then."

Willow: "It stole Giles' car."
Xander: "Why would a demon steal a car?"
Anya: "Why would a demon steal THAT car?"

Willow: "You know how it it with a spanking-new boyfriend."
Anya: "Yes, we've enjoyed spanking."
Xander: [drops cards he was holding]

Spike: "Wipe your feet when you enter a person's home."
Giles: "Ah, yes, careless of me. Tracking mud all over your, um, mud."
Spike: "I'll admit, it's a bit of a fixer-upper. Needs a woman's touch. Care to have a crack at it?"

Giles: "Remind me, why should I help you?"
Spike: "Because you do that. You're the goody-good guys. You're the bloody freaking cavalry."
Giles: "No, you can come up with a better answer than that. Why should I help you?"
Spike: "Oh, because I helped you. When you turned into that Fyarl demon, I helped you, didn't I?"
Giles: "And that was out of the evilness of your heart?"
Spike: "Oh, hell no. I made you pay me. ... You right bastard."

Buffy: "That would never happen."
Willow: "Well, no, Buff, that's why they call them cartoons, not documentaries."

Buffy: "Sorry, I'm the only one who can pass the retinal scan."
Xander: "The... ew! I don't wanna see that."
Buffy: "RETINAL scan, Xander."

Xander: "So, here it is. The latest in state-of the art combat technology. I gotta say, it doesn't look that complicated."
Buffy: "So you can repair it?"
Xander: "Sure. Just as soon as I get my master's degree in advanced starship technology."
Willow: "Well, why don't we experiment? Press some buttons, see what happens."
Giles: "Well, I'd like to veto that."
Xander: "Second. It's called a blaster, Will. A word that tends to discourage experimentation. Now, if it were called the Orgasmator, I'd be the first to try your basic button-press approach."

Buffy: "Maggie tried to kill me."
Anya: "It didn't work, but they're all upset, anyway."

Buffy (re Faith]: "We don't know what she's thinking, what she's feeling..."
Xander: "Who she's doing."

Willow: "Tara, it's not like I don't want my friends to know you. It's just... well, Buffy's like my best friend, and she's really special. And there's this whole bunch of us, and we sort of have this group thing that revolves around the slaying. And- and I really want you to meet them. But I just kinda like having something that's just, you know, mine. And I usually don't use so many words to say stuff that little, but do you get it at all?"
Tara: "I am, you know."
Willow: "What?"
Tara: "Yours."

Xander: "We kind of have a romantic evening planned."
Anya: "We were gonna light a bunch of candles and have sex near them."
Buffy (Faith): "Well, we certainly don't want to cut into that seven minutes."
Anya: "Hey!"
Xander: "I believe that's my 'hey.' Hey!"

Buffy (Faith), after seeing Willow and Tara: "Willow's not driving stick anymore. Who would have thought?"

Willow: "I know she's not over the whole Riley sleeping with Faith thing. You know what I mean - Faith's insides in Buffy's outsides, when her insides were out."

Anya: "Xander's not here."
Buffy: "Oh."
Anya: "You're not going away. Why aren't you going away?"
Buffy: "Well, I was kind of hoping to look at some of Xander's stuff."
Anya: "Oh. sure. Come on in, make yourself at home. And so on."

Xander: "Right, you can't just go "librum incendere" and expect..." (book bursts into flames)
Giles: "Xander, don't speak Latin in front of the books."

Spike: "Grrr!"
Anya: "Aaahh!"
Spike: "Oh, it's you."
Anya: "Spike! What are you doing? You made me yell really high!"
Spike: "Hey, yeah, I did. I scared you. Gimme money."
Anya: "I'm not paying you for scaring me."
Spike: "You're not paying me. I'm robbing you."
Anya: "Oh, well, that's just ludicrous. You can't hurt me because you've got that chip in your brain. Also, I like my money the way it is... when it's mine."
Spike: "Grrrr!"
Anya: "Oh, now, come on! You're not even bumpy anymore!"
Spike: "Oh. I was just a minute ago. Hang on. Get me mad again."
Anya: "Does this really work? Scaring people into giving you their money?"
Spike: "Yeah, it works. Keeps me in blood and beers. Plus, you know, funny - watching the little humans quail."

Anya: "Boy, I miss those powers."
Spike: "Yeah. Tell me about it."
Anya: "A year and a half ago, I could have eviscerated him with my thoughts. Now I can barely hurt his feelings. Things used to be so much simpler."
Spike: "You know... you take the killing for granted. And then it's gone, and you're like... I wish I'd appreciated it more. Stopped and smelled the corpses, you know?"

Anya: "I'm just trying to tell you that we have nothing in common besides both of us liking your penis, and now I don't even have that!"

Giles: "You never train with me anymore. He's going to kick your ass."
Buffy: "Giles!"
Giles: "Sorry. Was it a bit honest? Terribly sorry."

Spike: "Nasty sort of fellow. Lucky for you blighters I was here, eh?"
Giles: "Yes. Thank you. Although your heroism is slightly muted by the fact that you were helping Adam to start a war that would kill us all."
Xander: "You probably just saved us so we wouldn't stake you right here."
Spike: "Well, yeah. Did it work?"

Xander: "So, what you been doing? Doing spells? She does spells with Tara."
Oz: "Yeah, I heard about that."
Xander: "Sometimes I think about two women doing a spell. And then I do a spell by myself."

Xander: "You know, a man's always after..."
Joyce: "Conquest?"
Xander: "I'm a conquistador."
Joyce: "Are you sure it isn't comfort?"
Xander: "I'm a comfortador also."

Cheese man: "I wear the cheese. It does not wear me."

Buffy: "So let me get this straight. You're... Dracula, the guy, the Count?"
Dracula: "I am."
Buffy: "And you're sure this isn't just some fanboy thing? 'Cause I've fought more than a couple pimply, overweight vamps that called themselves Lestat."

Xander: "Come on, puffy shirt. Pucker on up, 'cause you can kiss your pale ass good--"
Dracula: "Silence."
Xander: "Yes, Master."

Xander: "I will serve you, your excellent spookiness. Or Master, I'll just stick with Master."
Dracula: "You are strange and off-putting. Go now."

Riley: "It could have been worse. At least you weren't making time with the Dracu-babes like Giles here."
Giles: "I was not making time, I was just about to kill those loathsome creatures when Riley interrupted me."
Riley: "Really? You were gonna nuzzle 'em to death?"

Dawn (about Willow and Tara): "They do spells and stuff, which is so much cooler than Slaying. I told Mom one time I wished they'd teach me some of the things they do together. And then she got really quiet and made me go upstairs."

Anya: "Crap! Look at this--now I'm burdened with a husband and several tiny pink children, and more cash than I can reasonably manage."
Xander: "That means you're winning."
Anya: "Really?"
Xander: "Yes, cash equals good."
Anya: "Ooh! I'm so pleased. Can I trade in the children for more cash?"

Xander: "On my seventh birthday, I wanted a toy fire truck, and I didn't get it, and you were real nice about it, and then the house next door burned down, and then real fire trucks came, and for years I thought you set the fire for me. And if you did, you can tell me."

Xander 2: "We're completely identical."
Xander 1: "Yeah, we checked out some stuff in the car on the way over. ... Fingerprints!"

Anya: "Maybe we shouldn't do this reintegration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home, and we can all have sex together, and then, you know, just slap them back together in the morning."

Dawn: "What are you doing?"
Buffy: "My boyfriend. Go away."

Buffy: "Don't take this the wrong way, but... (punches Spike) ...what are you doing here? Five words or less."
Spike: (counts on fingers) "Out. For. A. Walk. ... Bitch."

Xander: "But Tara, I just know she likes Willow, and she already has one of those."

Girl: "Have you heard? They call him "William the Bloody" because of his bloody awful poetry."
Guy: "It suits him. I'd rather have a railroad spike through my head than listen to that awful stuff!"

Angelus: "A real kill, a good kill, it takes pure artistry. Without that, we're just animals." Spike: "Poofter."

Dawn: "When I was younger, I used to put my chopsticks in my mouth like this, and then Buffy would chase me around the house yelling, 'I'm the Slayer, I'm going to get you!'"
Anya: "That's disturbing. You're emotionally scarred and will end up badly."
Dawn: "No, it was great. I mean, she didn't actually stake me in the heart, you know."
Xander: "Buffy's pretty cool like that."

Angel

Doyle: I've been sent. By the Powers That Be.
Angel: Powers that be what?

Angel: So, uh, are you.... happy?
Tina: What?
Angel: You looked sort of down.
Tina: You've been watching me?
Angel: No, I just.... I was... uh... looking towards there. And you walked.... through there.
Tina: You don't hit on girls very often, do you?

Angel: Where's home?
Tina: Missoula, Montana. You've been to Missoula?
Angel: During the Depression. Uh, my depression. I was depressed there.

Cordelia: I was just saying that if we're going to be helping people out, maybe a small charge. A fee. You know, something to help pay the rent. And.... my salary. You need someone to organize things and you're not exactly rolling in it "Mr. I-Was-Alive-for-200-Years-and-Never-Developed-an-Investment-Portfolio."

Angel: How'd you pick up computer skills?
Cordelia: Downloading pictures of naked women?
Doyle: Well that's more or less accurate.

Angel: I'm just asking you not to go in there.
Kate: Where are you going?
Angel: In there.
Kate: Well, I'll tell you what. I can go wherever I want, and you can go to Hell.
Angel: Been there. Done that.

Spike [while watching Angel talk to a woman he just rescued, doing a voiceover]:
"How can I thank you, you mysterious black-clad-hunk-of-a-knight-thing?"
"No need little lady. Your tears of gratitude are enough for me. You see, I was once a bad-ass vampire. But love, and a pesky curse, defanged me. And now, I'm just a *big* fluffy puppy with bad teeth. No! Not the hair! Never the hair."
"But there must be some way I can show my appreciation."
"No, helping those in need's my job. And working up a load of sexual tension and prancing away like a magnificent poof is truly thanks enough."
"I understand. I have a nephew who's gay, so..."
"Say no more. Evil's still afoot. And I'm almost out of that Nancy-boy hair gel I like so much. Quickly! To the Angelmobile! Away!"

Cordelia: Oz? Oh my god. Oz! I am so happy to see you! Good old Oz! Oz. Oz!
Doyle:Let me just take a stab at this, but... you'd be Oz?
Oz: Good guess.

Angel: Oz.
Oz: Angel.
Angel: Nice surprise.
Oz: Thanks.
Angel: Staying long?
Oz: Few days.
Doyle: They always like this?
Oz: No, we're usually laconic.

Angel: Might as well go home, Spike. The Gem of Amara stays with me.
Spike: Why? Cuz you're Angel, Vamp Detective now? Ooo. I'm so scared. What's next? Vampire cowboy? Vampire fireman? Oh! Vampire ballerina!
Angel: I do like to work with my legs.

Cordelia: Frankie Tripod? Oh, I get it. Some kind of three-legged monster, right?
Doyle: No, he's human.
Cordelia: Then what's his name supposed to... oh.

Oz [to Angel]: You're.... incredibly pale.

Doyle: He likes playing the hero. Walking off into the dark, his long coat flowing behind him in that mysterious and attractive way.
Cordelia: Is this a private moment? Cos I could leave you alone...
Doyle: I'm not saying *I'm* attracted....

[Angel is walking out of the office, long coat flowing behind him in that mysterious and attractive way]
Doyle: Maybe I'm a *little* attracted.

Doyle: Who's Aura?
Angel: I think she's one of Cordelia's group. People called them the Cordettes. A bunch of girls from wealthy families. They ruled the high school, decided what was in, who was popular. It's like the Soviet Secret Police if they cared a lot about shoes.

Doyle: Uh, Angel Investigations, we hope you're helpless.... no wait...

Angel: I'm a mortal now. I have a mortal body, and . . . . I'm *so* *hungry*!

Angel: You know, I'd forgotten how good it all tastes when you're alive.
Cordelia: Yeah, they didn't even have cookie dough fudge mint chip in your day.
Angel: Oh! I want some. Can you get that?
Cordelia: It'll go straight to your thighs.

Angel: I love chocolate! [gulps down something] Ugh, yech. But not, as it turns out, yogurt.

Buffy: This is a dream. Youre human for, like, a minute and already there's cookie dough fudge mint chip in the fridge.

Cordelia: Maybe if we get him a costume!
Doyle: A costume?
Cordelia: Well, the guy's a bona fide hero. Would it kill him to put on some tights and a cape and garner us a little free publicity?
Doyle: I don't see Angel putting on tights... Oh, now I do and it's really disturbing.

Angel: Interesting look for you. Motorcycle? Watcher's Council trying out a new image?
Wesley: In point of fact, I no longer work for the Council. I came to the conclusion I was of greater good to the cause working autonomously.
Angel: They fired you.

Wesley: I'm a Rogue Demon Hunter now.
Cordelia: Wow. ... What's a rogue demon?

Cordelia: I hope you like your coffee black because the only lightener the boss has in his refrigerator is O positive.

Wesley: Well, I'll be off. Farewell Angel. Who knows when our paths will cross.
Angel: Wesley.
Cordelia: Do you even know where you're headed?
Wesley: Rogue Demon Hunters rarely do. Wherever evil lurks, wherever the forces of darkness threaten humanity, that's where I'll be.
Cordelia: Oh, okay. Well, keep in touch.
Wesley: Yes, yes, I will. But now evil lurking everywhere bids me onwards! So, I go.
Cordelia: Take care!
Wesley: Yes. [leaves] ... [comes back] No rest for the wicked fighters. Through storm and rain, heat and famine, deep painful gnawing hunger, I go.
Angel: Breakfast?
Wesley: Ooo! I suppose so.

Wesley: Even a solitary soldier such as myself recognizes that a free exchange of intelligence benefits the common struggle. Also, I brought in your mail and newspaper.

Wesley: We made a most effective team, I felt. Vanquishing that empathy demon in such short order.
Cordelia: Yeah, well, nobody gouged out my eyes, so I'm happy.
Wesley: Yes, most effective -- your cryptic visions, Angel's brawn, my highly developed powers of deduction...
Cordelia: This isn't our mail.

Cordelia: Glamorous LA life. I get to make the coffee *and* chain the boss to the bed.

Serena: [about Angel and Wesley] The good ones are always gay.

Wesley: Nobody's more fond of Cordelia than I, but if she wants to go gad-abouting with those doxies...
Angel: I think they liked you.
Wesley: Really? I didn't mean doxy in a sexually promiscuous sense, exactly. You don't think sticking the ax in the wall put them off?
Angel: That was charming.
Wesley: What about the fact they thought we were gay?
Angel: Adds mystery.

Demon: Who are you?
Wesley: Wesley Wyndham-Price, Rogue Demon Hunter. And I'm here to fight you, sir, to the death -- preferably yours.As a point of courtesy, I like to get to know my opponents before I engage them in mortal combat. Do, uh, do you have any hobbies?

Wesley: I don't suppose there's any leftovers lying about -- any abandoned shrimp puffs?
Angel: You're broke aren't you?
Wesley: Angel, a man's finances are his own business.
Angel: You want a job?
Wesley: Oh, yes, please!

Angel: On the left one spies the painter himself; in the middle distance is the French poet and critic Baudelaire, a friend of the artist. Now, Baudelaire -- interesting fellow. In his poem *Le Vampire* he wrote: "Thou who abruptly as knife did come to my heart." He strongly believed that evil forces surrounded mankind. And some even speculated that the poem was about a real vampire. Oh, and Baudelaire is actually a little taller and a lot drunker than he's depicted here.

Guy: My shaman has a place in the desert. He never could turn away scantily clad women from any dimension.
Jhiera: [glares]
Guy: You know, I wish you'd let me work on your mirth chakra.

Wesley: Where is he?
Ernie: Your boss? Gave me $200 to answer his questions. I'm a businessman. Make an offer.
Wesley: You should understand that the man I work for means a great deal to me, and I will not give you a single red cent. What I will do, sir, is beat it out of you, if I have to.

Cordelia: Angel, you don't look so... well it's a good thing you heal fast.
Angel: It's also a good thing you guys found me in time.
Cordelia: We weren't going to let anything happen to you. Well, I mean beyond the slavery and the severe beatings and stuff.

Lindsey: To make a long story less long, I think for services rendered, we can get you off.
Faith: You don't know how many men have promised me that.

Cordelia: I need you to sign these.
Angel: You understand why we have to help Faith, don't you?
Cordelia: Totally. And here.
Angel: We can't just arbitrarily decide whose soul is worth saving and whose isn't.
Cordelia: Oh, I know. And this one. Thanks!
Angel: Those were all made out to you.
Cordelia: Yeah!
Angel: Paid vacation.
Cordelia: Like I'm gonna stick around here while a psycho case is roaming loose downstairs with 3 tons of medieval weaponry? Not!

Faith: So, how does this work?
Angel: There's no real simple answer to that. I won't lie to you and tell you it'll be easy. Because it won't be. Just because you've decided to change doesn't mean the world's ready for you to. Truth is, no matter how much you suffer, no matter how many good deeds you do to try to make up for the past, you may never balance out the cosmic scale. The only thing I can promise you is that you'll probably be haunted, and maybe for the rest of your life.
Faith: (points at microwave) So, how does this work?

Cordelia: Mmmah. I've missed that smell.
Wesley: Camembert, I believe.
Cordelia: What? No - Money. I like to smell a little money once and awhile.
Angel: She's not just saying that. Hide some in the office some time and watch her. It's uncanny.

David Nabbit: Are you familiar with Dungeons & Dragons?
Angel: Yeah, I've seen a few.
Wesley: You mean the, uh, role playing game.
Angel: Oh. Game. Right.

Gunn: Give me one good reason.
Angel: It'll be extremely dangerous.
Gunn: Okay!

Angel: The thing about a gym is that you're not alone. You've got people around -- encourages you to work out.
Cordelia: You don't have to work out. You're eternal.
Angel: You got your steam; you got your sauna and your fresh towels. I mean, how bad could it be?
Cordelia: You shower with a lot of men.
Angel: I'll always be a loner.

Angel: I had to sing Barry Manilow.
Faith: You're kidding.
Angel: In front of people.
Faith: And here I am talking about my petty little problems.
Angel: Just wanted to give you a little perspective.
Faith: Copacobana?
Angel: Mandy. I don't want to dwell on it.
Faith: The road to redemption is a rocky path.

Angel: Watch his tentacles.
Cordelia: Excuse me?!
Wesley: Tentacles.

Wesley: I've been accused of a great many things in my time, but paranoid has never been one of them. Unless people have been saying it behind my back.

Wesley: Angel. You don't find me especially paranoid, do you?
Angel: Not especially.
Wesley: Oh, thank god. I was worried.

Cordelia: Maybe we can help.
Gunn: You two? I find Deevak, I'm gonna need more than C3PO and Stick Figure Barbie backin' me up, no offense.
Wesley: Very little taken.

Angel: What are you doing here?
Wesley: Gunn's in trouble. Can't. Breathe.
Angel: Gunn can't breathe?
Wesley: I...can't...breathe.
Angel: Oh. Sorry.
Wesley: Uh. Oh, s'quite all right. Now, about the naked thing.
Angel: I'll get dressed.
Wesley: Much appreciated.

Wesley: What's the problem? Angel: It's just, you know, the whole visibility issue not to mention the whole hat head thing, and I mean, when you really think about it how come I have to wear the lady's helmet?
Wesley: Stop being such a wanker and put it on.
Angel: <puts on pink helmet>
Wesley: Looks good. Hop on board gorgeous.
Angel: You'll pay for this.

Gunn: Isn't this the thing? Some the kids in my camp put it together for me. Thought I might get the chance to stick it in somethin' tonight.
Cordelia: Men are all alike.

Cordelia: There's something. She's got a vibe. I'm getting a vibe. She's vibe-y.
Wesley: I didn't notice a vibe.
Cordelia: Well, all evidence to the contrary, Wes, but you're not a woman.

Angel: I was having a nightmare.
Bethany: Looked like a pretty happy dream. Maybe the covers were just rumpled.

Lindsey: Our plans for Angel are a little more long-term than that, but if you just can't help yourself, then by all means, be my guest.
Darla: You're fun for a human.

Angel: It was Darla. She's back, and she's human now, but I know her scent.
Wesley: Angel, you can't just sniff a person and --
Angel: You had sex last night, with a bleached blond.
Wesley: Good lord! How --
Cordelia: That's unbelievable. I didn't think you ever had sex.

Gunn: Wait, are you sayin'...Is he gonna sing? Oh, God, is Angel gonna sing?
Host: You don't have to sing. A break for you, a break for me, a break for Mr. Manilow.

Swami: You're deeply ambivalent.
Angel: Well, I am and I'm not.

Wesley: You know, this whole "curse" thing has been widely misinterpreted.
Virginia: Really?
Wesley: Oh yes. Less-- less of a curse, more of a...hex, really. Barely that. A recommendation.

Bryce: She's impure? She's not a virgin? (To Wes) You!
Gunn: Whoa. That's what impure meant?
Cordelia: She slept with him?
Bryce: You were supposed to be Angel! This wouldn't have happened! That's why I hired him! He's a eunuch!
Cordelia: You slept with her?!
Angel: A eunuch?
Wesley: Things happen...two young people...danger...
Virginia: What are you talking about?!
Bryce: She was a virgin before you got here!
Virginia: I was not a virgin!
Bryce: What?
Wesley: Oh, thank goodness.
Gunn: I coulda told you she wasn't no virgin.
Angel: Not a eunuch!
Cordelia: One day as Angel?! One day and he's getting some?
Bryce: What? How could...I kept you away from all men!
Angel: The curse isn't even all that clear.

Drusilla: I'm full and warm, yet all alone.
Angelus: That's not true, precious. You've got us.
Drusilla: Not in the least. You won't even hurt me just a little bit.
Darla: All you have to do is ask!

Darla: It's not me you want to screw.
Lindsey: What?
Darla: It's him.

Drusilla: I can hear them singing to me.
Lindsey: So this place works for you?
Drusilla: Oh, yeah. Grandmother is very pleased with it. I can tell. Aren't you grandmother? My daughter.
Lindsey: Can she hear you?
Drusilla: She's dead.

Holland: Drusilla, you are positively glowing.
Drusilla: I'm going to be a mummy!

Drusilla: I knew you were coming, my lovely. The moon showed me. It told me to come into the 20th century.
Angel: It's the 21st century, Dru.
Drusilla: Mmm, I'm still lagging.

Drusilla: Oooh. I'm ringing. Do you hear it? I'm ringing...all...over!
<Darla reaches into her cleavage and takes out cell phone>
Drusilla: Oh yeah. Forgot about that.

Holland: I understand you girls have been on a little spree.
Darla: Is that a problem?
Holland: Oh, on the contrary. As a matter of fact, I was just thinking why settle for a spree, when you could have a...say...massacre?

Darla: Your wife was kind enough to invite us in, Holland.
Drusilla: Very sweet, she was. Like clover...and honey.
Darla: Just think of it as our way of giving you what you want.
Holland: What...what I...?
Darla: I believe you said something about <gameface> a massacre?

Darla: Oh, I love this room. Dru, honey. In our new digs? We have to put in a people cellar!

Drusilla: It's not daddy. It's never daddy. It's the Angel beast.
Darla: Come to punish us.
Drusilla: Yeah. Yeah, spank us 'til Tuesday. Grrruf! We promise to be bad if you do.

Farscape

John: Boy, was Spielberg ever wrong. Close Encounters my ass.

Aeryn: He claims to be a human from a planet called Erp.

John: Kinda like Louisiana, or Dagobah.
Aeryn: ...
John: Degobah. Where Yoda lives.
Aeryn: Who's Yoda?
John: Just a little green guy. Trains warriors.

Rygel: What is this *thing* I have to cut with?
Zhaan: Well you can't use a metal tool. I found that in D'Argo's quarters. I believe it's made from bone.
Rygel: Ugh, this is a Tocar knife. Do you know what ceremony young Luxan males use this for, on themselves, at that certain age?
Zhaan: I suspect that D'Argo would want it back unharmed.

Zhaan: How will you tell us from them?
D'Argo: We will cut off the tip of our small finger for identification.
John: How about something a little less permanent?

Pilot: Crichton has a plan.
Zhaan: Did you say Crichton? <curses in Delvian>

John: Rygel is an obnoxious gasbag, and who's gonna shell out for that?
Rygel: He's right. I'm unloved, unwanted, unpopular, ...
Bekesh: <kicks Rygel>
Rygel: Unconscious...

John: Ilanic women, when it comes to attracting men, do they have any special pheromones? You know, body chemistry that acts like an aphrodisiac?
D'Argo: No.
John: How about mental abilities? Do they have telepathic powers of seduction? Like a psychic Spanish fly.

Zhaan: He says he is experiencing the future.
Aeryn: The future? He can barely function in the present.

Aeryn: She gives me a woody.
John: …
Aeryn: Woody. Human saying. I've heard you say it often when you don't trust someone, or they make you nervous, then they give you-
John: The willies! She gives you the willies.

Aeryn: Nobody knows you here. It's only people who know you that want to kill you.

Aeryn: We have a situation up here.
John: I'm sure it's not any more interesting than the one down here.
Aeryn: Remember Rygel's assassination attempt? He caused it himself. His body fluids have turned explosive.
John: I stand corrected.

John: I can't believe you lived on a ship like this your whole life.
Aeryn: When you told me endless tales of your home, you spoke of forests and rivers and valleys, when I was thinking of walls not unlike this.
John: I'm sure it looks better with carpeting.

D'Argo: This ship is legendary, even in my culture. It was thought invincible.
John: Well just ask Leonardo DiCaprio. Even the big ones go down.

Gilina: I can't believe you're not Sebacean.
John: Human. It's kinda like Sebacean, but we haven't conquered other worlds yet, so we just kick the crap out of each other.

Gilina: Thank you for stopping her from killing me today.
John: Well, you know, I try to save a life a day. Usually it's my own...

Zhaan (to Rygel): You have a touch of Klendian flu. It's not fatal.
D'Argo: We only wish it were.

Rygel: I don't care what Aeryn says. You certainly look dead to me. I don't know your customs for these situations, not that I care. So I'll give you the Hynerian Ceremony of Passage. John Crichton, valued friend. Now wait a minute. Valued friend's a bit of a stretch. John Crichton, unwelcome shipmate. May you have safe transport to the hallowed realm. Actually, not our hallowed realm. That's for Hynerians. Go find your own hallowed realm. With the Ceremony of Passage completed, I declare you officially dead, and claim all your possessions for myself.

John: Best idea I've had yet.
Aeryn: That's far from a recommendation.

Zhaan: It's called a photogasm.
Rygel: I'll get a mop and bucket.

Rygel: Are you fully clothed?
Zhaan: I'm not wearing a scrap. I'm as nude as a newborn baby.
Rygel: Then go away. And don't insult my eyes with your naked blue extremities.
Zhaan: Which ones in particular don't you like? Show them to me.
Rygel: No thank you. Help, help! A mad Delvian exhibitionist is forcing herself on me… visually!

John: That's my underwear!
Aeryn (pulls out tag from back of underwear): What does this say?
John: Calvin.
Aeryn: They're not yours.

D'Argo: Something Crichton said is disturbing me.
Rygel: Finally! I've been saying that since he arrived.

John: What is that?
Zhaan: Unity.
John: It's like Disney on acid! Ten years of really great sex all at the same moment.

Aeryn: It'll be all right if I can get it out. Can you toss me that axe?
John: Yeah. What are you going to do with it?
Aeryn: I'm going to hack my foot off.

Zhaan: What we need to do is isolate the most highly developed organisms.
Aeryn: That rules out the three we're looking for.

Due South

"Excuse me... I'm looking for a Detective Armani?" -- Benton Fraser

"Excuse me, can I have your attention please? Thank you. Anyone carrying illegal weapons if you would place them on the bar. You are under arrest."
[Knife embeds itself in the wall next to Fraser's head]
"You realize I'm going to have to confiscate that?" -- Fraser, first time in Chicago, trying to arrest whole bar

"[He's] very nice... so polite."
"He's Canadian, Ma."
"Oh, I thought he was sick or something." -- Mrs. Vecchio, Ray Vecchio, re Fraser

"You see, it's such a simple plan that the American mind automatically tends to discount it, so let me run it back to you. We wait here. Girard and God knows who else comes, sometime when? We're not sure. And then, when we least expect it, they shoot us dead with automatic weapons. Any part I left out?" -- Ray

"I talked to the super at your last job. He suggested transferring you further north."
"Well, that would put me in Russia, sir." -- RCMP officer, Fraser

"Fraser, you do not want to live in this neighborhood. Cops do not live in areas like this. Most people we bust wouldn't live here."
"It's central. Convenient. I can walk to work in seven minutes."
"Not without backup." -- Ray and Fraser

"If you didn't know what I was planning, then why'd you play along?"
"I wasn't playing along. I was begging for my life!"
"Oh. Oh well, uh, my mistake." -- Fraser and Ray

"Do me a favor. Let's just turn around; I'll take you back to your hotel."
"Oh, I can't. I checked out. The windows wouldn't open."
"Fraser, this is Chicago. The only reason to open a window is to get a better aim." -- Ray and Benny

"How's Dief?"
"Oh, I rented him _Rin-Tin-Tin_, he's thrilled." -- Benton Fraser, Ray Vecchio

"Now *there's* a country that knows what to export."
"Absolutely." -- women, referring to Fraser

"Your deaf wolf just ate my jelly-donut" -- Ray

"Granted, it was an unusual tactic, but I got the notion from a young cadet who lashed a caribou to his chest. Unfortunatly, it was unrelated to police work." -- Fraser (regarding improvisation of frozen side of meat as bullet-proof west)

"I'm stuck in a dark closet with a Mountie and a deaf wolf that keeps licking me. That was the wolf, wasn't it?" - Ray

"This is interesting..."
"No, it's not interesting, it's vomit! Get it off me!" -- Fraser and Ray

"Hello, son."
"Hello, Dad. How are you?"
"I'm dead, son." -- Robert and Benton Fraser

"...is there any insanity in out family?"
"No, not that I'm aware of."
"Good."
"Well, there was your Uncle Tiberius who died wrapped in cabbage leaves but we assumed that was a freak accident." -- Fraser and Fraser sen.

"Has anyone ever told you that you have phenomenal bone structure?"
"Yes. A starving Inuit." -- woman and Benton Fraser

"Officer in pursuit of black Cadillac in pursuit of two guys on ice skates. Why is that so hard to believe?" -- Ray (to radio dispatcher)

"Forgive me, father, for what I'm about to do."
"(sigh) This isn't about the Mountie again, is it?" -- Francesca Vecchio and priest

"Get under my dress!"
"You want me to get underneath your wedding dress?"
"Yes!"
"Isn't that bad luck?" -- Katherine and Fraser

"You don't want to know why I'm wearing your uniform."
"I just assumed it was something personal." -- Ray and Benny

"Ray, I had no choice. The door just opened... she was standing there, and then when she took off her coat there was very much more of her standing there." -- Fraser to Ray, re Ray's sister Francesca visiting him at night

"Okay, I'm standing at his door. I drop my coat. I look at him and he looks at me. You know how a squirrel looks like just before you hit him?" -- Francesca to Elaine, re visiting Fraser at night

"On a brighter note, Ray, 18% of all [plane] crash survivors crawl away with at least 3 out of 4 limbs" -- Fraser (to Ray, as their plane falls out of the sky)

"Ray. Duck."
[Ray hits ground]
Duck: "Quack, quack"
"Anas platyrhynchos. Very unusual sighting for this time of year."
"Duck. Duck. Duck means duck. Duck doesn't mean duck. I hate my life." -- Fraser and Ray (and duck)

"Your car's on fire."
"Oh please!"
"No, it is. It's burning away. All the other cars feel threatened." -- Fraser (trying to distract Thatcher with a feeble lie)

"You know, Benny, you weren't a bad looking woman."
"Thank you, Ray."
"You weren't exactly my type either."
"Well, what exactly is your type, Ray?"
Oh, I like a woman who is kind and honest with a good sense of humor."
"Well, I don't have those qualities?"
"No, you do. I just like a woman who is, you know, a woman."
"Oh, that's picky, Ray." - Ray and Benny

"Let's go. Are you deaf? I mean I know you are literally deaf... oh forget it." -- Fraser to Dief

"The shooter wore this." [hands thread to Ray]
"Well, let's hope that was not all he wore." -- Fraser and Ray

"So, who are you and what do you want?"
"Benton Fraser. I'm a Mountie."
"Why they call you that?"
"Well, it's short for Royal Canadian Mounted Policeman."
"So you're mounted."
"No, uh... we mount horses... on occasion. Perhaps you are familiar with the Musical Ride?"
"Then, in all factuality, aren't the horses the Mount-ees then?"
"No, you see, *we* are mounted on *top* of the horses... it's historical." -- Tyree and Fraser

"That was him!"
"Yes."
"He's out!"
"Yes."
"He made bail?"
"Yes."
"Well, where'd the punk get the money?"
"I lent it to him." -- Ray and Fraser

"Oh, you're hungry, are you? Well, perhaps you should learn how to use the stove."
[whimper]
"Just joking..." -- Fraser and Dief

"So what do you guys do for barchelor parties up there?"
"Well, at the only one I've *ever* attended, Ray, the prize was rewarded for the best impression of the mating call of the bull moose."
"Yeah, don't tell me you won."
"Alright." -- Ray and Fraser

"Benny, you're holding a rat."
"I'm aware of that, Ray."
"Yuck! Now you're kissing it?" "No, I'm smelling her breath actually." -- Ray and Fraser

"Would you care to tell me where you've been?"
"Well, I've been in a closet, ma'am."
"Any particular closet?"
"An exotic dancer's closet."
"Well, that's your business, of course."
"I don't think you understand, ma'am. I was in the closet with Detective Vecchio."
"I think that's all I care to hear about it, Constable." -- Thatcher and Fraser

"Alright, so let's recap... I gotta guy who talks in his sleep and a stripper who's rippin' your clothes off."
"No, I didn't say she was trying to rip my clothes off. I said she merely slipped her... hand... it's not important." -- Ray and Fraser

"What are you talking about, "edgy"? That's me, I always got an edge."
"It's not every day you check your cell phone instead of your gun." -- Ray and Fraser

"My brother's problem is the same problem that plagues all geniuses--"
"Can't get a date?" -- Francis Bolt and Ray

"*PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE*, Hmmmmmm..."
"*What* are you doing?" "Hmmmm -- dropping my heart rate -- Hmmm-..."
"In the middle of an argument?"
"Hmmmm -- don't let me stop you -- Hmmmm..."
"I'm gonna *kill* you!"
"Hmmmm -- that's very possible -- Hmmmm..." -- Fraser and Ray (both connected to bombs with heart monitors)

"Oh dear."
"What?"
"Well, it... it would appear... Yep. I'm on fire, Ray."
"Well, at least the whole day isn't a total write-off." -- Fraser and Ray, sliding down elevator cables

"Why are we carrying our own bomb with us?"
"It might come in handy." -- Ray and Fraser

"Oh. You are the most irritating man in the world."
"Define irritating."
"No, you look it up, Mr. Encyclopedia."
"I think you mean Mr. Dictionary." -- Ray and Fraser

Highlander

"Yeah, some people collect stamps..." -- Duncan (re Tessa's parking tickets)

"You ever had it bad for an older woman?"
"Well, the situation hasn´t come up recently." -- Richie and Duncan

"Well, it's not a sin for your mother to take your ex-boyfriend. Bad taste, perhaps, but not sin." -- Darius

"You've been hit."
"Yeah, I caught that part." -- Joe and Richie

"What do you want, Amanda?"
"You mean, besides you?" -- Duncan and Amanda

"You thieving French whore!"
"I told you, I'm not French!" -- Kit O'Brady and Amanda

"Duncan MacLeod of the clan MacLeod. Have a beer." -- Methos

"It wasn't easy getting across town without any clothes." -- Richie

"I'd kiss you, but people might talk."
"They might." -- Richie and Duncan

"Stall her."
"By killing her?"
"Preferably." -- Duncan and Richie, about Amanda

"I didn't even know some of those things were possible." -- Richie (re sex with Kristin)

"Duncan MacLeod of the clan MacLeod."
"That's who I am."
"Well, I guess someone has to be." -- Methos and Duncan

"Cute! I can do cute!" -- Methos

"Ye tore ma dress!" -- Duncan

"It's my nose, isn't it? Yep, it's the nose." -- Methos

"I'm too old for this." -- Methos

"You know, I never know when you're kidding."
"Part of my charm." -- Duncan and Methos

"Hey, we're fighting here!" -- Duncan, as Robert chats up Gina while Duncan is trying to fight him

"We've got to stop meeting like this. People will talk." -- Methos to Duncan

"I say: Let friendship thrive!" -- Methos

"Really, guys, the time's come for you two to start a new life somewhere. Bora-Bora is very nice this time of year!" -- Methos

"Look at that - Watchers afraid they're gonna be killed by Immortals, holed up in a funeral home. Is it just me or is there some cosmic irony in that?"
"I think it's just you. I'm not laughing." -- Methos and Joe

"Would you be careful with that thing? It might go off."
"Yeah, not a good place for it. Ha! I mean, consider the irony." -- Methos and Joe, while Joe has a gun on Methos, his 'hostage'

"You knew Juan Sanchez Villa Lobos Ramirez? Connor's teacher?? Oh, they say there was nothing he could not do with a sword!"
"Or with a lady." -- Duncan and Graham Ash

"I say, MacLeod, you could use a bath."
"That's not me, that's the horse." -- Terence and Duncan

"That Immortal just robbed that armoured car!"
"So? He saw it first!" -- Duncan and Amanda

"You know what they say - two's company, and four is... not sanitary." -- Duncan

"Hey, grab a beer, there's a cold one in the fridge."
"Yeah, I know, it's my fridge." -- Methos and Duncan

"He wanders around the place spreading his message to other Immortals."
"Using your name!"
"Well, it's not like it's got a patent or anything." -- Methos and Duncan, talking about 'other Methos'

"He just made me think."
"Oooooooh!" -- Duncan and Methos

"You are one calculating son-of-a-bitch." -- Joe, to Methos

"You know, there are times I really don't like you"
"That's ok, sometimes I don't like myself" -- Duncan and Methos

"She believes she's making the world a better place."
"That's exactly what he believed. Remember - what was his name - Adolf something or other." -- Duncan and Methos

"When I was a little boy everything was black and white, good and evil, you see. Then I grew up and discovered there was only grey." -- Inspector in 'The Valkyrie'

"I am Methos. You live to serve me. Never forget that." -- Flashback Methos to Cassandra

"The times were different, MacLeod. I was different. The whole bloody world was different." -- Methos

"Have you read Aristotle's poetics? No, of course not. You haven't even seen Casablanca." -- Methos, to Caspian

"I killed Silas! I *liked* Silas!" -- Methos

"No, thanks. Last time I had a drink with a girl I wound up handcuffed to a strange bed." -- Richie

"We are all both. Good and evil. We have rage and compassion, we have love and hate. Murder and forgiveness." -- Methos.

Star Trek

Worf: I was trying to summon a vision of Kahless.
Picard: It's a pity that you didn't try the Holodeck instead of setting fire to your quarters.

Picard and Crusher: Shut up, Wesley!

Soren: Commander, tell me about your sexual organs.

Q: You know, Worf, you'd make a perfect throw rug in Nottingham Castle.

Dr. Bashir: In my expert medical opinion, I'd say... it's sick (about Dax's plant)

Grilka: I like you, Quark. That's why I'm going to let you take your hand off my thigh without shattering every bone in your body.

The Doctor: Don't worry, I'm not going to kiss you, I'm only adjusting the restraint.
Neelix: I'll try to contain my disappointment.

The Doctor: And then they tell me there are no nurses, so I have no one to assist me.
Kes: I thought Tom Paris was assigned to you?
The Doctor: Like I said, no one to assist me...

Forever Knight

Nick: They were in Vietnam. They were in the Persian Gulf. And now they're in the bathroom.

Nick: What time is it? What day is it? What century is it?

Nick: You know, I really have to stop getting shot. Someday someone's gonna notice for good.
Natalie: Have you tried ducking?

Vachon: Look, I can't take this one to the hospital, the emergency room. What am I gonna tell them? 'He's allergic to penicillin, garlic, sunlight, crosses and food, he's about 450 and he can fly'?

LaCroix: Life is a gift. As sweet as a ripe peach. As precious as a gilded jewel. I have never been able to understand the logic of willfully surrendering such a treasure. And what is there to gain? How dark can your existence be when compared to an eternal void? Unless, of course, you have faith, that there is something beyond. What do you see from where you stand? A bright light at the end of the tunnel? Is it a ray of hope? A glimmer of something better? Or will it burn you like the rising sun? Is that sound you're hearing the trumpeting of Saint Peter's angels? Or the screams of Memnoch's tortured souls? You can't answer that, can you? Because you will never know the answer until after the deed is done. And is your faith really that strong? I understand the need to move on. It is something that happens to us all. And your time has truly come. I also understand that with the beauty of this life there comes pain and despair. No one is immune. But consider what you have in your hands before you give it up. Don't trade a treasure for an empty box.

Monty Python

We are no longer the knights who say 'ni'. We are now the knights who say 'ickiickiickiickipatangaipboing'.

"An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition! It's not just saying 'no, it isn't'!"
"Yes it is!"
"No, it isn't!!"