The stories in this page are works of amateur, non-profit fanfiction. No infringement upon the rights of Sunrise, Sotsu Agency, Asahi TV, and Bandai Visuals is intended.

I know it's the sickness that's wearing you thin. Really, I do. I know that it's wrong for me to resent you for it, but I do.

It hurts. I'd finally learned how to feel...it was you who taught me...only to have this happen. At times, it seems to me to be a sick joke; some deity's idea of entertainment.

It was hard work, all those years ago...probably seems a lot longer than it really is...but I succeeded. Numbness...hard fought, hard won. But you stripped it all away; somehow, tearing down was easier than the building up. Was it because I had help this time? I don't know.

And it hurts, now that I can feel again, when I reach out and you push me...hard...with your words. Push me away, push me down. Does it make you feel better, somehow, to hurt me? Was this some kind of project for you? Take me in, fix me, only so you could break me again? I would have thought you were better than that.

Is it within me to hate you for this? I am unsure. It's easier to blame your illness...you were never like this before. It's changed you as you once changed me. Are you trying to change me again? Experiment over, return me to my original shape and move on?

How can they say this is better, love and loss, than never having? If you'd left me as I'd been, in my safe place, then your words couldn't reach me now. But they do, and I can't seem to explain to myself what you're trying to do.

If it were only the pain, it wouldn't matter...if it were only that, I wouldn't give it a second thought. But I can feel things changing inside, old habits I'd thought long dead creeping back in. It frightens me...I who was never allowed to fear...for, every time when I reach out and you push me, it gets a little easier to bare. And I'm slipping back into a world I'd thought I'd left forever. But nothing is forever, is it?

I don't know what I'll do when it happens, but I *do* know that it will happen. One day, when you push, you won't connect. One day, when you push, you won't hit anything but a wall. If you bother to look, you'll notice I'm gone. Or was I ever there?

So this is what it's like to be a bastard. Funny, I never thought I'd pick up where my father left off...but I guess we all do, eventually.

It's not fair. I said that so much as a child...often times it was an involuntary response, almost automatic. I couldn't go out with my sisters because I was too young...it's not fair. I couldn't go to work with Father...it's not fair. I had no Mother...it's not fair.

But once, just once, I didn't give the expected reply. Once, just once, I didn't *let* it be 'not fair'. I couldn't fight because we were pacifists. So, I stopped being a pacifist. What did being a pacifist get my father? I think I made the right decision.

It's still not fair, life. And this time, there's nothing I can do about it. You can't fight an enemy that won't show itself, that grows, destroying you from the inside out...eating you alive. Guess I'm still a pacifist, after all...I *still* can't fight. And it's *still* not fair.

If I weren't so busy feeling sorry for myself...if I don't, who will...I'd pity you. You were content before, I could feel it. Nothing could touch you. In a way, you could say you were happy, but that's not it, really. It made me sad to see someone depriving themselves of life...how was I to know you had the right idea?

It's done, though. Somehow, I don't think it's irreversible. You can go back, if you want to...and that's what I've been trying to do. You think I've been pushing you away, when all I've been trying to do is save you...push you to safety.

I know what it's like, the death of loved ones. I'm an orphan, aren't I? You shouldn't have to feel that. There's still time before I go...too much time, I think sometimes. But if I can get you to safety before then, it'll be worth it.

I know it's working...the hurt in your eyes seems a little less severe each day. You're going back to your safe place...I'm taking you there. Once you said you hated me, but I know it was a lie. To hate me, you'd have to care, and if I've done my job, you can't.

As long as you're safe before I go, that's all that matters. The shock waves of my departure won't be able to touch you. I thought about leaving you a letter, a not-to-be-opened-until-my-death cliché, but what I have to say is short. I thought I'd save it for my final words. You're supposed to have something important to say on your deathbed, anyway.

I wanted to tell you...I'm sorry I disturbed your slumber, Trowa. I've gone...go back to sleep.

I'll sing you a lullaby
Help you drift off to sleep
To the safety of dreams
Your soul to keep

Go away from my heart
A dangerous place
You've got a life to live
While I'm just a waste

Hello was hard
Goodbye much easier
Hello held promises
Goodbye is greedier

Once you were safe
But I pulled you away
Now the end is near
And I wish you had stayed

Return to loving numbness
A life you once knew
The cold embrace secure
Recall I never loved you

No, I never loved you

Hello was hard
Goodbye much easier
Hello held promises
Goodbye is greedier

And I've fallen into taking
So much that I can give
And I've learned that death is easiest
When you've never lived

Hope you never have to live...
Goodnight.

 

The End

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