26-July-2001

Notes: Duo learns how wide love can be. Yes, it's really sappy.

I didn't like him at all the first time we met. His hair was too pointed, his eyes too sharp, his frame too wiry. Everything about him seemed to have an edge, as if he might somehow cut anyone who came too close.

On subsequent meetings, I learned that that whole 'cutting' thing wasn't a problem, as no one stood much of a chance of getting closeenough to find out. You see, Heero had a very well constructed field around him, a bubble you could call it. And it wasn't that you couldn't get through, just that once you did, you could feel that he didn't want you there. So you stepped back. Most people stopped trying after a while, even Miss Darlian-Peacecraft. Even me, and I'd thought I was stubborn as hell.

But you know what pisses me off? And yeah, I get pissed off a lot, but this one is a real kicker. Trowa made it. Didn't get cut, got inside the bubble, found Heero's heart…it doesn't seem fair. And I know nothing in life is ever fair. Life pretty much sucks, doesn't it?

I try not to be mad or bitter. I mean, who has time, really? I've got a scrap business to run, friends to take care of, places to go, people to meet…got that business to run. I see the two of them all the time at the park outside of town. I really should leave Earth,move back home to 2 so they can't get to me.

They have a favorite tree. They never sit on any of the park benches, just lean against that big oak tree up on the small hill over looking the tiny lake. I think Trowa likes to feed the ducks that come to light on the water every afternoon, and Heero seems content to let the warm breezes flow through his hair. And I can't be angry when I see them there. Heero smiles, and all my selfishness melts away. He looks so happy, and I'd give anything, lose anything to see that.

I think I will go back to 2, even if relocating the business will bea pain. But I'll say goodbye first. People should never leavewithout saying goodbye.

I wasn't happy that day. How could I be? I'd invited the one person I had any feelings for in the world over to lunch, to tell him I was leaving. No, he wasn't the only person I cared about. I loved my friends, but sometimes, when I lay awake at night, my heart racing with thoughts of him, it really could seem that way.

I hadn't specifically invited Trowa, but I was sure they'd come together, as a set. I couldn't help myself; I had made a soup full of tomatoes. I knew Trowa was allergic to tomatoes. It was a small, petty thing of me to do, but would be my final protest. And really, I'd never tried to interfere in their relationship, wasn't I entitled to *one* little slight?

Just as I was finishing tidying up the apartment, hiding all my clutter in every available closet, cabinet, and drawer, the buzzer rang, and I felt my heart jump in my chest. This was it.

As I opened the front door, took in the sight of the two of them in their calm grace, I knew there would be no grand drama enacted here today. We would eat, Trowa abstaining. I'd apologize profusely for the tomato mistake. Then I'd say goodbye, they'd express some small regret, and it would be over.

"Hey guys!" I said, "Come on in!"

Neither seemed ill at ease, yet something in their eyes wasn't quite right. I'd never been good at reading people, so I let it go, hoping to get through this the best I could.

"Hello, Duo," Trowa began, "Thank you for inviting us."

"Why did you invite us?" Heero asked before I could answer, and Trowa smiled at the slight scowl on his lover's face. I had to admit, that look on Heero *was* kind of cute.

"Let's all sit down and I'll tell you," I said, smiling broadly.

We all moved inside to my small living room, Trowa and Heero taking the marginally dilapidated green sofa, I a nearby mismatched chair. We sat in silence for a long moment, when I finally realized that it was up to me to continue the conversation. "I've never had you guys over. Bet you didn't even know I could cook!" I added a small wink after my statement, hoping to charm them. I don't think it worked.

"I hadn't assumed either way," Trowa said, "but whatever it is smells nice."

I think he was trying to be friendly, something I didn't know Trowa was capable of. The question was why. Didn't he know that, by all rights, I should have hated him? That he was the one obstacle I should have wanted to destroy more than anything? But he didn't know, neither of them did. I was that good at deception, any childish thoughts I'd had about total honesty forgotten long ago.

In the face of Trowa's kindness, I found I couldn't tell him about the tomatoes. I felt terrible for having done it, and now longed to make something else, anything else that wouldn't offend the man. But Heero spoke, his voice harsh, and I went back to wanting to hurt Trowa.

"Why did you invite us? What do you want?"

I laughed. I couldn't think of anything else to do. "Geez, Heero,those are some fine social skills you've got there. You guys don't get out much, do you?"

His voice seemed to soften slightly, and he went on. "You have a purpose in this. I want to know what it is."

I didn't say anything for a long while. So long in fact, that Heero looked as if he might ask again. Or leave. Yeah, he'd probably leave rather than repeat himself. Finally, I answered. "Well, I guess you're right. I did have a reason, other than just wanting to get together. In a couple of weeks, I'm going home, to L2."

"How long will you be gone?" Trowa asked.

"Well, pretty much forever. I'm moving there, permanently. Taking the business and everything. I just wanted to say goodbye first."

The two sat in silence, neither of them looking at me. "Does anyone else know?" Trowa asked, still looking off to the side.

"Yeah, I've told all my friends." As soon as I'd said it, I wanted to take it back. I hadn't meant to sound like I was excluding them, but that was exactly how it had sounded. "I thought it would be nice if we could spend the afternoon together before I go. To tide me over until you two can come see me on L2." I smiled, tried to sound bright, but the words weren't sincere. They'd never visit me on L2. This was goodbye. Forever.

Heero finally looked at me. "Why?"

There were all kinds of lies I could tell them. Lies I'd been rehearsing ever since I'd asked them to dinner. But I couldn't remember any of them, Heero's blue eyes locked onto mine having stolen them all away. I stammered as I answered. "There's really nothing for me here on Earth. I…I never planned on staying after the war, anyway. I left…people back home. It's just time I go back."

I couldn't help feeling warm. This whole thing was harder than I'd thought it would be. Watching them in the park was one thing, but this, this was terrible. I couldn't get away if I wanted, couldn't hide. They were right here.

Trowa turned his head and shared a brief look with Heero. The action made me mad. They were so wonderfully in tune with each other that mere looks could communicate thoughts. I was isolated, an outsider, alone.

Trowa broke their gaze and turned his eyes on me. "I'll be sorry to see you go. Duo…this doesn't have anything to do with us, does it?"

I couldn't believe he was asking me directly. This probability had never entered into my thinking, and I didn't know what to say. A convenient lie did not come to my lips, and I knew that merely denying it wouldn't work. Still, I tried. "No. What gave you that idea?"

The two looked at each other again, and it was Heero who spoke this time. "You've had us under surveillance."

I hadn't. I most certainly had not. "I don't know what you're…oh, you mean the park? Just because I've bumped into you a couple of times at a public park doesn't mean…"

"No. Every time. Every time we've been there, so have you. That counts," Heero said.

He was right. I hadn't known it, but now it was clear. I felt the urge to leave for L2 double in strength. I had to get away from them.

I opened my mouth to speak, but Trowa cut in. "Why are you running away?"

They were making me mad again. Was there some reason they were doing this? Why couldn't they let me have my feeble lies and half-truths? Why couldn't they just let me go in peace? Were they purposely trying to hurt me? "I'm not running from anything. That was when I was a kid. I'm just relocating myself and my business, and I don't think that should be hard for you to understand."

My voice had been harsher than I'd meant, and I rose from the chair, turning my back on them as I walked to the nearby desk. I laid my hand on the back of the wooden chair there, breathing heavily. "I'm sorry to be rude, but I'm not hungry anymore. You both should probably go. If you want, I'll send some of the soup home with you,but…"

My voice was stopped by a strong pair of hands on my shoulders. The fingers were too long to be Heero's. "Duo…"

He sounded so kind, I shouldn't have pulled away, but I did. "What are you doing? Both of you?" I turned to face Trowa now. "Why are you making this harder than it already is? I'm going home…"

"Isn't home wherever you have people that you care about? Not so much a place as a feeling?"

Trowa had me with that one. It was true, but I'd never thought to hear those words from him. "True, but who do I have here on Earth? There's no reason for me to stay here."

Heero had moved forward and now stood next to me as well. I felt surrounded. He asked, "Quatre? Wufei? Hilde?"

"They're all great, but…" I couldn't continue. What would I have said? They're great, but not you?

The two exchanged another look and their silent communication had ceased to anger me, only intriguing me now. I still felt isolated, but I began to wonder if I could ever have that with somebody.

"Why did you follow us to the park all those times?" Trowa asked.

I was getting tired of this. I thought maybe I should just tell them the truth, get it over with and then they'd lave me alone. "Why does someone usually follow someone else around? Because they want to be near them, because they love them…" I let my words hang in the air, stepping away from them both, trying to hide the tears that wanted to fall from my eyes. My voice was rough as I spoke. "Please, just leave. I don't know what you want me to say, what you're trying to accomplish, but I want you to go."

I felt hands on me again, Trowa laying an arm across my shoulders, Heero an arm around my waist, and I was too tired to break away. I knew I'd start crying in a minute if they didn't leave me alone.

"We'll leave if you answer this next question incorrectly. Do you love Heero?" Trowa's voice was quiet, and he spoke the words into my ear.

I wanted to die. They were going to kill me. This seemed a cruelty that I hadn't known they were capable of. In desperation, I tried to give them what they seemed to want. "Yes! Yes, I…I love him. Are you happy now? You win, Trowa. You got what I wanted. Now take your damn prize and get out of my house."

I heard laughing, and I wasn't sure which of them it was. To my astonishment, I found that it was both. I couldn't take it anymore, and I snapped.

Jerking from their grasps, I got behind both of them, violently shoving them towards the front door. "Get out! Both of you, get the fuck out! Go laugh and make your jokes somewhere else." I didn't realize that tears had fallen from my eyes, and when I tried to curse them further, my throat had constricted and I could get no sound to come out.

This was perfect, another beautiful example of why my life sucked. Not only did they now both know that I was in love with Heero, that I'd been pining after him for a while, but that I was a weak-willed idiot who cried.

One of them embraced me, held me close, let me cry against his chest. I wasn't sure which one, but I didn't care. It felt good, and after a moment my sobs subsided and I looked up into soft emerald eyes. "Duo, you don't understand. We weren't laughing at you."

His words were like soft embraces, and I somehow believed him, even though my normal reaction would have been sarcasm. He brought his head down slightly, meaning to kiss me on the cheek, but I was seized with a strange impulse and turned to catch his lips with mine. He didn't seem surprised and we stayed like that for a moment, lips touching, pressed together in what almost felt like a hand shake it was so natural.

He had to pull me away; I didn't want to stop. It had been so long since I'd been that close to someone. As soon as we were apart, my thoughts turned to Heero. I felt guilty…here I'd just admitted to being in love with him, and I was kissing Trowa. He'd surely be angry.

But he pulled me towards him, embracing me strongly, and I almost felt as if I was being absorbed into him. I felt Trowa at my back, and they were both holding me. I'd never been so warm or safe in my entire life.

I could have stayed there forever, but they left me, and I was so cold I shivered. They each took one of my hands and we all sat on the sofa, Heero to my right, Trowa my left. I wasn't sure what was going on, but I knew I wasn't afraid.

"Duo, you don't have to leave. You don't have to be alone," Heero said.

"Duo, it's okay to love Heero. Don't you know that he loves you?"

The words shocked me. No, I didn't. How could I have? He'd never treated me as anything more than a nuisance, the same way he treated everyone else, save Trowa. "But…how?"

"And I, Duo, I love you, too," Trowa said, smiling at Heero.

I spoke before I'd had time to even fully process his words. "What are you saying?"

Trowa smiled at Heero, then me. "If we all love each other, then there's no reason we can't all be together. You do love me, Duo, don't you?"

"I…I've never really thought about it much."

He seemed unconcerned and continued to smile. "That's all right. You will."

"Are you suggesting," I began, "that the three of us enter into a relationship of some kind?" I still didn't understand anything that was going on, and began to feel tired again.

Heero tightened his grip on my hand. "You sound doubtful."

"Why not, Duo?" Trowa said. "What's the point of life if not to be happy? We've all suffered more than enough already. But that's over. This is a new stage in our lives. A stage where we can be with the people we love."

I saw the truth in what he was saying, but something in the back of my mind said it was wrong. It wasn't that they were both men, though that was supposedly a sin. It wasn't that this went against all the ideas of monogamy that I'd heard, though that was supposedly a sin as well. I didn't care at all for "sins", but something still held me back. And it was myself.

Wouldn't I ruin the whole thing? Wouldn't I be jealous and petty? Wouldn't I begin to hate them both for it? Wouldn't my selfishness get in the way?

Heero released my hand and touched my cheek, tangling his fingers gently in my hair. "If you go away, I won't like it. I'll be sad."

I wanted to fall forward, grab him in my arms and never let go. To be with him forever. But I didn't know if I could share him with Trowa. Didn't know if I could do the thing they asked of me.

"As will I," Trowa sighed.

I watched in silence as the two leaned across me to kiss each other, then felt my breath catch in my chest as Heero stopped to kiss me, his tongue coming sweetly into my mouth for a bare second before he pulled away. Trowa kissed me too, in the same manner as before, our lips laying upon each other, and I felt comforted.

"All we can ask is that you try," Trowa said, laying his hand on my arm.

I looked into his eyes and saw nothing but love. And he was looking at both of us, not just Heero. I looked into Heero's eyes and saw the same expression of love, directed at Trowa and I. Could I look at them that way someday? Could I?

So I did as they asked. I tried. And I still try to this day, nine years later. And we love, live, laugh, and cry, all together. Anytime I am plagued with doubts as to what our future may hold, anytime I find myself wondering if this really will last forever, I remember that I didn't like Heero the first time I saw him.

But the second time I saw him, I loved him. And I haven't stopped since.

And I remember that without Trowa, my life would not be as happy as it is, and I couldn't love him more if I tried.

But most of all, I remember something I told myself a long time ago, right after we first got together. If they ever try to leave me, I won't let them. I'll grab on so tightly that they'll remember that the only thing that matters, in this life or *any*, is love. That if we all have each other, then we have everything.

The End

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