your every smile, a sliver of moonlight
your every touch, a caress
your every breath, a reassurance that I’m truly alive
falling into you, with no defenses
knowing now that I can’t have you
and that our chance was done before
it was really there
holding tight
pulling back
grasping and straining for
air and nothingness...
come back
********
He was tossing and turning, as usual. Since Buffy left, there were rarely
nights when he didn’t have a nightmare. But, with the new tension between him
and Xander, there was an added dimension to the dream. It started out the
same as always. He was in a bedroom with Ethan, who was lounging naked on the
bed, telling him that it had been fun, but he should run home to Daddy so he
could start learning to look at girls for a living. Then, he found himself in
his bedroom in Sunnydale, with Jenny. She kissed him lightly, told him that
everything would work out, and then he heard the terrible sound of Angelus
laughing before she faded away. Buffy walked by, headed towards a car. She
kissed him on the cheek, promised to call and write, and then drove off
quickly. Next, he saw Willow at the airport, about to get on her plane for
England. She hugged him, smiling slightly, and left to board, never once
looking back. And then, he was in his library. At this point he always felt
safe, like the dream might end, like someone would stay. But Xander appeared,
looking angry and hurt, and then he said the words that Giles heard again
whenever he looked at the young man.

“I could have loved you. So easily.”

He woke up, drenched in sweat.
**********

Giles sat in the library, researching, trying to distract himself. Xander
had yet to show up after their little indiscretion a couple of weeks before,
and not being able to see him was driving Giles crazy. His nose was back in a
book when he heard something at the door.
“Delia taught me the art of making noise so I wouldn’t startle people. I got
tired of getting things thrown at me whenever I surprised her.”
Giles recovered his composure quickly, and in his head, he ran through all
the reasons why he hated the undead being before him. It was calming and
familiar; finally something was.
“Why are you here, Angel? Some evil you can’t handle in Los Angeles?”
“Not really. Oz called my house a few days ago. Seems that the real
problems are here.” He stopped for a second. “What exactly happened with
you and Xander?”
Giles cursed under his breath, and glared at Angel. “Can’t I have any bloody
privacy?”
The vampire smirked at the younger man, and took a seat at the large table.
“When you go through the kind of stuff we’ve all survived together, it breeds
a certain loyalty. I care about you both, whether you hate me or not. If it
helps, just think of this as my way of making amends. And, there’s also the
fact that Delia won’t allow me back into my home unless I try to help out.”
He leaned back in his chair, getting comfortable. “So, Giles, why don’t you
tell me what happened?”
**********
Xander was at his desk, neglecting his work, and trying not to think about
things that he knew he would end up thinking about regardless of whether he
wanted to think about them or not. He kept on starting to work, and then
remembering the way things had been so perfect before *the incident*. He
tried not to think about the kiss itself: that brought up too many emotions,
and then it was all he could do to not run over to the library and beg Giles
to give a relationship a chance. So, he just thought about how they used to
pretend to not notice each other, and then he thought about how he missed the
way Giles would throw glares at him for particularly bad jokes, and the
complete peace of falling asleep on the couch in Giles’ office after a long
night of thumbing through books.
Of course, he told himself, he was not dwelling on this. He was not. He was
just going through a routine mourning period, punctuated by the normal country
music listening, and brooding almost as well as Angel. This happened to him
all the time. He got rejected, he moved on. He would find some gorgeous,
strong girl, fall for her, and then mess it up, and the cycle would begin
again. He just had to find a way to still be friends with Giles. Then
everything would be perfect and they could all get over it. Really.
The phone rang, and he ignored it, waiting for the machine to pick it up, so
he wouldn’t be interrupted in his moping. After the greeting (“Oz and
Xander’s Den of Debauchery is unoccupied at the moment. Leave us a message
detailing your sins and desires, and we may get back to you.”), he heard a
giggle, and then a familiar voice, muttering.
“At least they got rid of the part about ‘two hot guys for the price of
one’.”
He jumped to pick up the receiver. “Will? To what do I owe this great
pleasure? How’s England? You breaking British hearts, you vixen, you?”
“Funny you should mention breaking British hearts.”
He froze. He hadn’t been expecting a call from Willow. They talked about
twice a month; high school had taught them that their friendship was something
they needed, but had to work on. But, whenever she called, it was just to
talk, usually nothing important. Of course, if Oz had gotten to her...
**********

“So, you love him. He kissed you. You’re a coward. Anything else?”
“Really, Angel, it’s not that simple.”
Over tea, and with a lot of prodding, Giles and Angel had started to talk.
Giles found that he was just waiting for someone to listen to him, and Angel
loosely fit the “older and wiser” mold. Once they started, Giles poured out
everything: how much he cared for Xander, how he had wanted to avoid those
feelings because of propriety and a misplaced desire to protect the boy, and
how he was just deeply scared because he had never had a functional
relationship with a remotely happy ending.
Angel was a good listener, he had the patience that years of life tend to
give a person. But, having lived through relationships with problems a lot
more life-threatening than this one, he also told Giles the hard truth as he
saw it.
“What’s complex about it? You love him. He wants to gives this a shot. The
only obstacles here are your fears and insecurities. Sure, this relationship
will end. But, all relationships end, Giles. Either you break up, or one of
you dies. It’s that simple. But, by making this an issue of protecting him
from what can go wrong, you’re not being fair or honest with yourself or him.
Xander’s a grown man, and you’re too scared to even let him make this decision
for himself.”
Deciding not to think about the vampire’s cold breakdown of the situation,
Giles latched on to an idea that had been bothering him, especially in the way
Angel phrased his last comment.
“Why do you care so much?”
Angel stood up and looked away, his intense focus on Giles breaking for the
first time since he had walked into the library. When he spoke, his back was
turned to the other man, his eyes trained on the moon shining outside the
library window.
“Didn’t you ever wonder why Xander and I had so many conflicts? It was
obvious he was jealous of what I had with Buffy, but why would I take the time
to be upset with him?”
“What are you getting at?”
Angel turned around and looked down at the seated man, measuring his words
carefully, revealing something he once thought he would never tell to another
soul. He had chosen to come to Giles, knowing that he would tell him, and now
was the time.
“If I hadn’t been with Buffy, if I hadn’t been tied to her by fate and duty,
and if Xander hadn’t been so confused about what he really wanted in life, I
would have made a play for him years ago. But, I couldn't. Things just
didn’t work out that way. I couldn’t be with him, and now you’re throwing
away your opportunity because you’re scared.” He paused, reflecting. “But,
everything happens for a reason: I have Cordelia, and I’m happy. And you and
Xander have a chance for happiness, too. Fate’s giving you a shot. ” He
smiled softly at Giles. “Are you gonna take it?”
**********
“Oz called me.”
“I figured.”
“It’s about damn time one of us got Giles.”
“Pardon me?”
“Oh yeah, none of us ever noticed him... that was sarcasm, Xander.”
“Yeah, I thought so. So, what exactly did Oz say when he called?”
“He only told me what he could gather from you and Giles. He thinks you’re
both stupid, and you love each other, and that I can somehow help by telling
you that you’re dumb and you should be together. That’s about it. Oh, and he
told me that you kissed Giles. So, what was that like?” Her voice took on
that caffeine-high tone that he missed, and he broke easily.
“It was great. It was perfect. And then it got ugly. And that’s all I’m
saying about that particular conquest.”
“Xand... work with me here. You kissed a guy. And not just any guy, you
kissed Giles. Our Giles. -- I’m sorta proud of you.”
He didn’t say anything for a few seconds, and she understood he wanted an
explanation.
“Well, it took courage. And this wasn’t ‘I can fight creatures of the night’
courage, this was an actual emotional growth thing. How could I not be proud
of you? You knew what you wanted and you were adult enough to go after it.”
She smirked. “You’re truly a man now, Xander Harris.”
It occurred to Xander that this was the only time he could ever remember
Willow using the word “proud” to describe her feelings towards him. That it
would come from this, of all things, restored his faith in the weirdness of
the Hellmouth. But, it was still a nice feeling, and if it was the only good
thing that came from his episode with Giles, he would be happy to take it.
“Xander, respond, please.”
“I’m happy you approve, Will. That being said, can we change the subject?”
“No.”
“Why?” he whined.
“Do you love him?”
He faltered for a second, caught off guard by the abrupt question.
“I guess so. But, if I think about it that way, then it’s real, and I have
to deal with it, and really, it’s just better left alone.”
“No, it’s not. You have to deal with it. I’m determined to see at least one
of us get over being so emotionally crippled. And you’re the only one with a
relationship prospect, so it’s up to you. Go fix your issues with Giles.”
“And how am I supposed to do this?”
“There’s a gorgeous British man in love with you, probably alone in his
library, pining for you at this very moment. Think of a way. And do it now,
before Oz calls to bitch about you two again.”
He gave up, knowing he had no escape; everyone had probably been called in on
this one. Which meant they got to Giles, too. With some planning, and a
little more courage, this could actually work.
“Fine, Wills, just for you. I’ll hog-tie the Tweed Man and make him submit
to my masculine wiles. Happy now?”
“Deliriously.” She quieted. “Good luck. I love you, Xander.”
“Love you too, Wills.”
He heard the click on her side of the line, and hung up his phone.
**********
“If I say I’ll work on it, will you leave me in peace?”
“I’m surprised I got that much out of you. But, as I told Delia, all you
needed was someone to put things in perspective. I’ll go back to LA, and get
out of your business. Besides, I think my work here is done.” He walked
towards the door, and Giles, looking back down at a book, took a last stab at
retaining his pride.
“You realize, of course, that this changes nothing. I still hate you.”
“You’re still so charming, Rupert. It’s no wonder he’s in love with you.”
By the time Giles looked up, Angel was already gone.

End.