._._._So she wouldn't have to do it herself after all. Of all the possible conclusions to their relationship that Harriet had ever considered, this one had never appeared. She'd never imagined that John would do it for her.

"I'll always love you." She spoke so quietly she felt sure he wouldn't hear her.

"Shut up! Just shut up...bitch! You...how could you just...my eyes, my beautiful eyes like the sea. *You* took them..." The words were angry, but he was crying as he said them. John was crying for her, at least in part. She loved him more than ever for that one fact. He was crying for her...

John had her gun, the same pistol she'd used to kill Marion, though he didn't know it, irony wasted on him. He began to lower the weapon, making her heart jump in anguish, but quickly raised it again, level with her chest. Harriet smiled, the romance of the gesture making her warm.

He was going to shoot her right through the heart.._._._

He awoke to an empty bed and silently thanked Relena. Heero always awoke before her, and he knew she must have risen early, especially to avoid him.

He showered, dressed, and had his dry toast breakfast alone, never once bumping into the woman. She was gone, probably to the conference.

It was a strange realization that came to him, as he sat at Trowa's kitchen table, alone. For their entire marriage, he'd been afraid of losing her, afraid she'd find someone else. Never that she'd leave him...she wouldn't...but that he'd have to choose between keeping her and letting her go.

The idea of *him* leaving, asking her to let him go had never come up, didn't fit into the equation.

He had to talk to Trowa. That would decide everything.

Heero glanced at the clock over the kitchen sink. 7:45 A.M. Relena couldn't be at the conference this early. And Trowa wouldn't be awake yet. He never rose until at least 9:30, sometimes 10. But this wouldn't wait.

As he made his way to Trowa's bedroom, nearly tripping on a small shadowy item in his path, Heero tried to rehearse what he would say. But he didn't know, the words wouldn't match up with the situation or the emotions, so he gave up, not even stopping to knock at Trowa's door before stepping inside.

The room was dark, weak early morning light trying to breach the sanctity of tightly drawn windowshades, but he could clearly make out the bed and headed in that direction.

Before he could reach his destination, a lamp switched on, illuminating Trowa's form, leaning back against the bed's headboard. Heero stopped his approach, waiting for the other man to speak.

"What have you done?" Trowa asked, an edge to his voice.

"I've lost my wife," he replied, only realizing how true the statement was once it was born to the air.

"And now you come to me...what do you think I am? Consolation prize?"

"You don't understand..."

"No," Trowa cut him off, "I don't. You let me tie you up, bring you off, run away...I don't know *what* you did to Relena." The man paused for a moment, looking away. Then he rose from the bed, going to a short chest of drawers, the same one he'd had at the circus, where he retrieved what looked to be a folded sheet of paper with a rounded shape hidden inside. "She's gone. She stopped by here before she left, over an hour ago, and left this for you."

Trowa came only as close to Heero as was absolutely necessary, taking advantage of his arm's length to offer the note to the man.

He stared at the sheet for a long moment, not in shock or surprise, for he couldn't feel either, but wondering if he would read the note at all. It didn't seem important.

When Heero didn't take the page Trowa raised the letter to his face, shrugging, arching his eyebrows, considering it as if it were an odd sort of specimen. Finally, he replaced the item to the chest, immediately glancing to Heero, watching for a reaction.

They stared at each other until the room fell away, as it always did with their sustained glances, and Heero was the first to speak. "Can we be together?"

Trowa remained quiet, expecting Heero to continue. When silence greeted him instead, he gave answer. "I don't follow you."

"It's a simple question. Can we be together?"

"Define 'together' and I'll tell you."

"Whatever you want it to mean. Just..."

The Japanese man broke their gaze, eyes falling to the floor in front of him. Now his voice was unsure, quiet, ill-formed words coming to his lips. "I...I love you. I didn't know that until...just a while ago. I just want to know if you...feel anything for me."

Trowa stepped forward, coming to rest less than a foot from him. Gently, his hand rose and caught Heero under the chin, bringing his gaze back up to eye level. "I have loved you since I saw you. Since you tried to self-destruct, since you lay unconscious in my bed, since you offered your life into the hands of all the Noventas, since you fought Zechs, since you saved us all. I fall in love with you again every day of my life." As his voice died away, Trowa turned his back to Heero, continuing calmly. "But that doesn't mean we can be together."

Heero wanted to wipe the moisture that had formed in his eyes away, wanted to grab Trowa by the arm and whirl him around, fall into his arms and never move again. But he waited, let the tears remain and waited. "Why?"

The green-eyed man turned to face him, a smile inching up the corners of his mouth. "It doesn't mean we *can't* be together, either. I don't know the future, but right now, in this place, we can be."

It wasn't the answer he wanted, but it was good enough. Trowa opened his arms and Heero stepped inside, surrounded by both coolness and warmth, the strange blend of temperatures unique to his green- eyed lover.

He lost track of how long they held each other, but when they finally separated, the sunlight clawing at the windowshades was no longer mild but vibrant, alive, ready to burst inside the room. They didn't speak, each knowing what the other wanted.

Heero took Trowa's hand, leading him towards the bed. When they reached the edge, he looked back at him over his shoulder. "No restraints." A pause. "This time."

Trowa raised an eyebrow at that then smiled, leaning forward to kiss Heero gently, fondly tracing the soft mouth with his tongue. Pulling back, he looked into Heero's eyes from no more than two inches away. "I have other games we could play..."

Heero stopped his suggestion midway, grabbing him round the shoulders as he dropped them both to the mattress, rolling atop Trowa, kissing him madly, grateful he didn't have to be careful with the man as he had Relena. In between he managed to get out, "Later...now, I need you. Only you."

After his initial surprise worse off, which was approximately one and one-half seconds, Trowa began to return his kisses, rapidly taking control of the situation. He wrapped his arms around Heero tightly, flipping their combined bodies over as one, lying over him like before, his weight a familiar sensation now, pleasant and calm.

"All right, but you left me...frustrated last time. We do this my way." Trowa sat back on Heero's hips, shifting around a bit before falling forward again, pinning Heero's outstretched arms to the bed, attacking his neck which he so prettily exposed.

Heero was able to gasp, "Do whatever you want," before being reduced to senseless moans.

"That's a good boy, knows what he wants." Both men wore only minimal undergarments, and Trowa removed them now, first Heero's and then his own. Their naked flesh strained against each other, Heero struggling to free his arms where Trowa held him, the green-eyed man seeming perfectly content to hold him there as he steadily sucked at his throat.

"Trowa..."

Heero suddenly found his arms free, and he tried to grab the other man, devour his body with his hands. But he had moved, leaned halfway off the bed to get something, returning too quickly for Heero to realize what he'd done.

Trowa took a few more mouthfuls of Heero's neck, letting the man run his hands up and down his back as he did. Then he rolled off of Heero, laying beside him. "I know you haven't done this before, have you?"

The Japanese man shook his head, the anticipation in his eyes clear.

"This is a fairly sick situation, you realize. I'm going to take your virginity just like you took your wife's last night. That is what you did, isn't it?"

Heero nodded, adding softly, "How did you..."

Trowa smiled, placing a finger to his own lips, shushing him. "I heard you. The bedroom's right next door." Getting back to the task at hand, he raised the tube of lubricant he'd retrieved a moment ago, letting Heero get a good look. "I don't need to tell you this isn't going to be completely pleasant. This makes it easier, but..."

"But it'll hurt. Pain. I don't care. I want you inside me. I dreamed of it last night, with her. It's worth anything."

Trowa leaned over him again, bringing their lips together, tongues together, and when he pulled away, he placed a hand over the center of Heero's chest. "I'll be careful," he said, meaning to comfort.

"No, not with me. We don't have to be careful with each other. Never hold back, not with me."

This brought a smile to Trowa, and the Japanese man could see that an understanding had grown between them.

Heero relaxed his body, bracing himself for the intrusion, and he didn't jump when one slick, cool finger entered him. Nor when a second came, or a third. He kept waiting for this pain Trowa had warned him about, but so far, the experience was pleasant enough. It went from 'pleasant enough' to wildly euphoric when Trowa sent his fingers deeper, catching and stroking something within his body that he hadn't even known was there.

He certainly knew it was there now.

Heero let out a gasp, head falling back, back rising off the mattress. "Trowa! What..."

But Trowa only caught his lips with his own, kissing him deeply as he removed his hand from Heero's body. Pulling away, he began slicking his erection as he asked, "Are you ready?"

Heero let his back reconnect with the bed, raising his head to gaze annoyed at Trowa.

"I'll take that as a yes." The green-eyed man moved forward, while at the same time Heero levered his body into a more favorable position, pressing his cock to Heero's entrance, waiting a few agonizing seconds before plunging forward, sliding home in one continuous thrust.

Both men went still, and Heero felt as though he couldn't breath. He still wasn't feeling pain, more like pressure, something not quite right. When Trowa started to move, everything shifted, all unpleasant feelings fading, replaced by blades of pleasure, slicing him at uncontrolled intervals, causing him to cry out, clutch at Trowa's shoulders, flinging his body upwards only to let it fall again.

Trowa began to strike in lengthening thrusts, roughly caressing his body as he did, passing his cold-fingered hands over Heero's erect nipples, slim waist, hips, thighs...every part of the Japanese man he could touch.

They continued to rock together, Trowa's hand finally settling at Heero's erection, cupping around the stiff organ.

Heero felt as though he might have to die. He didn't know how he could go on in such agonizing pleasure, and there seemed no other choice. But it continued, relentlessly, and so did he, Trowa pushing inside him so forcefully the wind was knocked from his lungs with each thrust. Trowa pumping his cock so roughly he knew he'd be sore later.

"I want...you to say...my name...when you come." Trowa's words were slow, forced, and Heero wanted to respond that he needn't have expended the effort at the request, for he could think no other thought, no other word, at the moment.

Trowa came first, continuing to thrust and pump through it all, his body tensing into a beautiful mold, eyes closing, lips parting silently. And Heero's wish to be filled with Trowa's fluid was granted, the sensation sending him over the edge, his own semen coating both their bodies as he cried out, twice as loud as he'd intended, "Trowa!"

They both lay, spent, still connected the green-eyed man's collapsed weight on his body soothing Heero into a half-sleep, where he couldn't quite tell what was real and what was dream.

Trowa had softened inside him and, before he fell into complete sleep, Heero encircled his lover in his arms, both men losing consciousness together.

 

---

 

._._._Dear Heero,

I asked Trowa to give this to you. I love you, but it isn't enough. I thought it would be. I thought my love could sustain us both, forever, but it can't.

We haven't had a healthy marriage and I can see that now. You can see it too. We've had one kind of love while sacrificing another, and while that isn't necessarily wrong, it's not going to work anymore for us.

I won't say I wasn't happy. I think we both were, in a way. But I can't be happy like this anymore.

Goodbye. I will keep loving you and hoping you can someday figure yourself out. You are a good man, and I think somewhere inside you know what will make you happy. And it isn't me.

I'm enclosing your pin, the lily pin. I don't have the right to keep it. I'll hold onto my wedding ring for a while.

Please continue to write for always, even when you know you aren't good enough, because that's when you shine the brightest.

Your devoted wife and fan, Relena Darlian._._._

 

---

 

Epilogue:

"I can't believe how hot it was out there today. It feels like we played 36 holes, not 18." Trowa let his light green canvass golf bag drop heavily to the sofa, following it down shortly.

"L1's summers. You'll get used to them." Heero lay his own beige leather bag off his shoulder, lowering it gently to the floor before lowering himself into Trowa's lap, twisting slightly to briefly kiss the man's lips.

"We should never have left for two years. I'd be used to them by now. And why create an artificial climate that's so...inhospitable?"

Heero sighed, leaning back more fully into the man's chest. "There are multiple theories, of course. Some people think it's to facilitate the sale of advanced climate control systems. More paranoid colonists speculate on any number of government conspiracies. But I think the answer's fairly simply."

He had Trowa's full attention now. "Yes?"

"What's the one thing every colonist, on L1 or any of the others, always requests? Always votes for, always writes letters about?"

"Lower taxes?" Trowa quipped.

"Earth. They want the colonies to be more like Earth."

Trowa wrapped his arms around Heero's waist, burying his head in the back of the man's hair. They both smelled faintly of sweat and grass, but that only heralded the need for a joint shower, which was always fun. "Today was a little *too* much like Earth for me."

"That's probably why I beat you. I haven't shot a 65 [5] in over two years. And that forty-foot putt..."

"Thirty-five." Trowa corrected.

"*Forty*. Did you hear that guy on the fourteenth doing Peter Aliss [6] impersonations?"

Adopting his best British accent, Trowa moved to Heero's left ear, droning softly, "If that had been a *little* bit harder, it might have gone in." [7]

Heero smiled, sitting forward in Trowa's lap as if to rise. "Was that an invitation?"

"Later. We should probably get cleaned up. It's already 4:00."

"Right, Relena's coming by with Sukuu [8] at six tonight. What are we having?"

"Well," Trowa began, waiting for Heero to move off his lap before joining him, "I'm not sure. Relena's never picky, but that boy of yours. Sometimes I think he's going to waste away to nothing."

"You don't really have much room to talk, do you?"

"I don't suppose. I think that's the first time you've called me scrawny."

"I didn't. Weren't we headed for a shower or something?"

As the two men made their way down the hall, their comfortable voices sounding throughout the house, a light rain began to fall outside.

"Do you think Su would like steak?"

"I don't like steak. And he's only three."

"Fish?"

"That would work, except Relena has that seafood allergy."

"Right. Let's go out?"

"Okay. But you tell her. You know she's had that aversion to restaurants ever since her pregnancy."

"I think you should call your next book, 'The Ex-Wife That Wouldn't Die.'"

"Lovely thought. She'd sue me."

"Unless you gave her a cut of the royalties."

"Have I told you today how much I love you?"

"Not since I hit that double eagle on the ninth." [9]

The voices died away as the rain came harder, cooling L1 to a more tolerable temperature, and washing away colony dirt and grime, like joyful tears cleaning away sorrow.

Footnotes:
[5] If you're not familiar with golf, it's a good score, trust me.
[6] Very famous British golf commentator.
[7] This is actually a reference to an attempted putt, but well...
[8] As far as I was able to determine, this is Japanese for 'to redeem', though I don't pretend to know the language or put much faith in language to language dictionaries.
[9] Last golf lesson, I promise. ^_^ A double eagle is a shot that you make three under par. For example, if a hole is par 5 (meaning that the average number of shots it takes to sink the ball is five), and you can get it in just two shots, you've made a double eagle, cause for much celebration. ^__^