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THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what
you cooked for yourself last night).
EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably
past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled
when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is
spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is
nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than
it is already. Cheddar cheese
is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never
purchased that kind.
MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.
FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem
in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway)
by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
EXPIRATION DATES
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly
good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd
benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block
radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
BREAD
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots"
that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy
looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your
bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
FLOUR
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the
vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it
turns liquid. (We didn't think you needed guidance with this one)
CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should
be disposed of.
Carefully.
CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
RAISINS
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
POTATOES
If it looks like it is ready for planting, toss it.
CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor,
it has gone bad.
EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick,
but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.
UNMARKED ITEMS
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the
Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers
should not burp when you open them.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster.
Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.
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