LH741:"Tower, give me a rough timecheck!"
Tower: "It's tuesday, Sir."

Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR!

Take-off RWY 28
Landing RWY 16, alternate 14

Tower: Alitalia 194 - taxi to rwy 28, hold short
AZ194: Ahhh, yes, taxi to rwy 28
Tower: AZ194, cleared for take-off
AZ194: Ahhh, two minutes, need preflight (checks)

...30 seconds later...
Tower: Alitalia 194, YOU ARE CLEARED FOR TAKE OFF NOW.
AZ194: Ehmmm, yes, yes, take off in two minutes

...in the meantime, Rwy 16 had a 737 with a flat, Rwy 14 was chocked, so they took a 767 from Cincinnati to 28. The Crew of the 767 had been flying for 8 hrs...

Tower: Alitalia 194, expedite take-off, we have Delta 767 final on 28 2 miles!
AZ194: Ahhh, we need 30 more seconds...
DL104: Hey Spaghetti, take-off or I'll fuck you from behind!

Tower: Shamu Two Two, please state estimated time of arrival.
Pilot: Ok, let's see..., I think Tuesday would be nice...

Pilot: "Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo estabished ILS 16."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, Guten Tag, cleared to land 16, wind calm - and by the way: this is Vienna Tower."
Pilot: (after a break for thinking) "Bratislava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo passed the outer marker."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once more: you are approaching Vienna!"
Pilot: (another break for thinking) "Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?"
Tower: "You can believe me, this is Vienna!
Pilot: (again, a break) "But why? We want to go to Bratislava, not to Vienna!"
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, roger. Discontinue approach, turn left 030 and climb to 5000 feet, vectors to Bratislava."

Pilot: "Condor 471, don't you have a  Follow-me ?"
Tower: "Negativ, let's just see how your find your own way to  Gate 10."

Pilot: "...Tower, please call me a fuel truck."
Tower: "Roger. You are a fuel truck."

Tower: "Phantom-Formation crossing controlzone without clearance, state your callsign!"
Pilot: "I'm not silly..."

Tower (in Stuttgart): "Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots."
Pilot: "This is just like Frankfurt. They also have only  210 und 170 knots...But we're flexible...."
Tower: "We, too. Reduce to 173 knots."

Pilot: "Ground, XY-line 195, requesting start-up."
Tower: "Sorry, XY-line 195, we don't have your flight plan. What is your destination ?"
Pilot: "Like every Monday, to Leipzig."
Tower: "But - today is Tuesday !"
Pilot: "WHAT? But we're on holiday Tuesdays!"

Tower: "Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?"
Pilot: "Negativ, Sir. It's only the same pilot."

Tower: "Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading."
Pilot: "Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345..."

Tower: "Lufthansa 893, number one, checkcar on the runway."
Pilot: "Roger. We'll check the car on the runway."

Tower: "Delta Romeo Zulu, confirm you are inbound to Sulz NDB?"
Pilot: "Affirm, but we don't receive it."

Tower: "Delta Oscar Mike, squawk 0476."
Pilot: "Say again."
Tower: "Squawk 0476."
Pilot: "Four, zero...? "
Tower: "Want to get an easier one?"

Tower: "Delta Bravo Charlie, is your Squawk Really 7 0 4 6?"
Pilot: "Positiv."
Tower: "II can hardly believe it, you show a height of minus 90 feet...."

Tower: "Hotel Papa Oscar climb four thousand to six thousand and maintain."
Pilot: "Hotel Papa Oscar, climbing flight level 100."
Tower: "Hotel Papa Oscar, climb to flight level 60 and maintain."
Pilot: "But 4 and 6 is 10, isn't it?"
Tower: "You're supposed to climb, not add."

Pilot: "Frankfurt Information,this is Delta Bravo Zulu. We are now over Dinkelsbuhl."
Tower: "But you were supposed to call Munich Information!"
Pilot: "Yes, I know, but I prefer your program."

Tower: "Flamingo 019, do you have a "Springbock" in sight, twelve o'clock five miles crossing from left to right ?"
Pilot: "If you mean a 737...?"
Tower: "Yeah, you got it, you got it !"

Tower: "Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you."
Pilot: "Roger. Looking out for John Wayne."

Tower: "Delta Mike Zulu, after landing cleared to taxi Alpha 7, Alpha 5, Whiskey 2, Delta 1 and Oscar 2."
Pilot: "Where is that, we don't know our way around here?"
Tower: "That's ok. I've been here only for 2 days, too."

Tower: You have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!
Pilot: Give us another hint, we have digital watches!

Tower: Mission 123, do you have problems?
Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass.
Tower: Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!

Pilot: Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.
Tower: KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.
Pilot: Please confirm: two hours delay?
Tower: Affirmative.
Pilot: In that case, cancel the good morning!

Eggenfelden Info: D-EXXX pls. report persons aboard.
D-EXXX (C-172): Pilot and two pax and one dog.
Eggenfelden Info (after Cessna finally bounced to stop): Assume the Pilot in Command was the dog ?

Tower: "Height and position?"
Pilot: "Well, I'm 1,80 m and am sitting in the front left"

Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery:
German Air Force 269, you are cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation read back.
GAF 269: Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation and I need another pencil.

Tower: "Cannot read you, say again!"
Pilot: "Again!"

The chief of United States naval operations has released the following transcript of a radio conversation between a US Navy ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.

US ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
US ship: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert your course!
US ship: This is the aircraft carrier USS Missouri; we are a large warship of the US Navy. Divert your course now!!
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.