In article <DwvnIJ.Ks@news2.new-york.net>, Rich Handley <CardSafe@...> wrote:

>Hmmmmm..... sure has been peaceful and fun on r.a.s.s.m. these days....

In the middle of Rich's sentence, a small waffle-shaped ship zooms through the picture, pursued by several Star Destroyers, one super Star Destroyer, a light attack carrier and its entire complement of A-Wings, and a partially finished Death Star. A wrinked and creased movie poster for Star Trek: the Motion Sickness flutters in the breeze behind the waffle-ship, and there is faint music heard, deepened by the Doppler effect...

"AAAAAAAAY, MACARENA!"

We now return you to your regularly scheduled post...

> wonder what could have happened.....

Ha, found another one, this one from alt.books.anne-rice:

rmccormi@... (Amy) wrote:

> <snip snipitola the snipinator snipirino snipman snipster snidley
> sniplash baron von snipenheimer snip>
>
> <snip snip snippety snip snippening snippery snipperiffic snippendous
> snipid snipe snip snipy snin>

I *want* your thesaurus.

Erick.

Subject: Re: Raist a Transvestite & Tanis Bi-sexual??
From: dropdead@... (Styx)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.dragonlance

Les Muir <hotmail@...> wrote:

>OK, I've heard all of this **** about Raistlin being a woman, but this!
>this is sacrilege! Some of us happen to respect Raistlin, and we're
>pissed off at people like you!

Blah blah blah! Blah blah, blah blah blah.. blah. Blah blah
blah blah, blah blah? BLAH! Blah, blah blah blah blah blah - blah
blah blah. Blah *blah* blah blah?

Blah blah BLAH blah.

- Blah

Subject: Re: *I* 7 spellings
From: Richard Kettlewell <richard@...>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.pratchett

some bloke <coxall@...k> wrote:

>Always did have a problem with typing that word. Eighth? Just doesn't look right for some reason. I need some sleep.

I find that with sufficient study an awful lot of words fail to look or sound right...

Subject: Re: Can i speak to a fucking vampire?
From: ?
Newsgroup: alt.books.anne-rice

Of course not!
1. Anne's vamps don't fuck and
2. If they could why on earth would they stop in the middle of it to talk to you?

Now if you wanted to speak to a *drinking* vampire or a *walking* vampire....

Subject: Re: Fwd: Dog for sale.
From: gizzie@... (Coleen Sullivan-Baier)
Newsgroups: alt.tv.x-files.creative

Kevin_Glecoff@... (Kevin Glecoff) writes:
> Pure bred Chow-Chow for sale. His name is Teddy and has just turned
>four years old. Teddy is a male cream coloured Chow and was
>purchased from a good breeder. He comes from champion stock. He is
>very affectionate

<snip>

This is a good story, but you need to involve Scully and Mulder more.

Subject: Re: What's the word for....?
From: Truly Donovan <truly@...>
Newsgroups: alt.usage.english

Chris Malcolm wrote:
> In article <330575A8.6E8@lunemere.com>, Truly Donovan <truly@...> writes:
> > I have to observe that, if by any chance it is also a requirement that
> > the word be widely known, "polymath" doesn't hack it.
>
> To forestall any objection from newcomers I should point out that Truly
> is of course relying on this group's familiarity with her nationality to
> carry the implication that she meant "widely known in the US".

That's certainly true, although it could be argued that some countries aren't wide enough for anything to be widely known... but I wouldn't do that.

Subject: Re: Is shit repulsive? [was: Re: How many subscribers to aue?]
From: bjg@... (Brian J Goggin)
Newsgroups: alt.usage.english

ad841@... (Bob Cunningham) wrote:

[...]

>Where might I have been likely to come across 'the sufferings of the
>damned'?

Do you know any of Microsoft's customers?

Subject: Re: JESUS IS THE LORD!!!!!
From: remoore@...
Newsgroups: alt.fan.dragonlance

Will Grzanich wrote:
>
> Sam wrote:
> >
> > How about a special indicator in the subjectline of a post? You know, like
> > "[JOKE] Re: JESUS IS THE LORD!!!!!"
> >
> > Then again, I can see that subjectline being rather offensive to those who
> > didn't know the system... ;)
>
> True.  I can imagine someone who's just started reading the Bible
> shouting out, "Hey, dumbass!  Ever heard of a "spoiler warning??"

It's called the *New* Testament for a reason, damn you! We're still waiting
for the book on his childhood to be released... ;-)

Subject: Re: WARNING!! AGEPASS = RIP OFF
From: trebor@...
Newsgroups: news.admin.net-abuse.email

sjsobol@... (Steve Sobol) wrote:

>Frederi108 said:
>>a.b.p.e??
>
>alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.*
>
>Disclaimer: Not that I'd know for any reason other than I work for
>an ISP.  :)

I read it for the articles.

Subject: Re: A Day in the Life of Another Abuse Guy (long) [1]
From: aburner@... (Afterburner)
Newsgroups: news.admin.net-abuse.email

aburner@... (Afterburner) wrote:

>> heh.  This sounds even more entertaining than the incident I had
>>last week where I suspended a lady's account for sending death threats to
>>herself.

trebor@... sez:

>Oh, c'mon, you can't just leave us hanging like that!

Story goes along these lines (names have been changed to protect the innocent):

Catherine is married to Walter.
Walter meets Janet.
Walter *meats* Janet.
(If you know what I mean.)
(And I think you do.)
Walter subsequently discovers that Janet is a flaming head case.
Walter runs (yea verily) back to Catherine, hat in hand, begging forgiveness.  She agrees to give him a second chance.
Months pass.  During this time, Janet (who apparently has some issues regarding rejection) begins stalking Catherine.
On Feb 9th, Janet sends herself a death threat which is supposedly from one of Catherine's friends.
Janet then forwards said death threat to her new fianceé(!) and to Walter.  Presumably to (A) cast Catherine in a bad light; and (B) garner sympathy, pity, and attention for herself.

All the above landed in my lap last Wednesday around 2:30pm. Catherine called and explained the situation, and sent me a copy of the death threat (which indeed had been sent by Janet).  Since this is a clear violation of our "False Pretenses" clause, I suspended the account.

The next day, Janet's fianceé calls, demanding to know what's going on.  Conversation went approximately thus:

Me:  "Her account was suspended because she was sending death threats--"
Him (interrupting):  "She was RECEIVING death threats!"
Me:  "You didn't let me finish.  She was sending death threats to herself."
Him:  "What?"

More conversation follows, during which he vows to "get to the bottom of this."  I explain that, regardless, a signed letter will be necessary to reactivate the account.

Time passes.

He calls back.  He informs me that he has indeed unearthed the truth of the matter after consulting with Janet.  I indicate that I'm all ears.

Him:  "Someone broke into our house and hacked our computer.  And while they were on-line they must have sent this email message."
Me:  "While you were home?"
Him:  "Uh, yes."
Me:  "So let me get this straight.  Some person or persons with nefarious intent broke into your house shortly before 5:00am last Monday morning.  They stayed online for an hour, logging off shortly before 6:00am.  And just before they logged off, they sent a death threat to your fianceés email address from her own computer.  Is that correct?"
Him:  "Uh.  Yeah."
Me:  "I don't buy it."

More conversation followed.  Later on he called back:

Him:  "Uh, is there anything I can do to prevent this in the future?"
Me (sardonically):  "Yeah.  Get a burglar alarm."
Him:  "Oh!  Uh, yeah, well we discovered that it was really our roommate that did it.  We've been trying to get rid of him for a while."

Afterburner
(Rolling eyes)

Subject: Re: [ agsf ] It's time to LART www.tickling.com
From: Edward Scissorhands <EdwardS@...>
Newsgroups: alt.gothic, news.admin.net-abuse.usenet, news.admin.net-abuse.email

Some time previously, David Gerard <fun@...> whispered
darkly...
>"Sam" <sam-001@...> wrote:
>
>:The performance from their web server is still abysmal.  I get the
>:impression that they are running of an ISDN line.  It's that bad.
>
>You fscking Americans. In Australia, that's a GOOD link ...

Hah. In Scotland we have two well trained celts, holding a yoghut pot
and peice of string, repeating the screeching noises made by a 300/1200
baud modem connected to the net by a bit of rusty coathanger and playing
out a gramophone horn.

Text doesn't take two long, but pictures are a real pain, especially
when Jimmy (who can understand progressive JPEG) is away on the crofts
and Dougal has to take ove. He can just about manage GIF 87 - he has
trouble drawing the pages if there is a background /and/ a transparent
GIF.

Binaries are the worst, though. Downloads take years, as each has to
UUDecode, type the code out, reverese engineer and recompile before
manually burning the code onto CD with a magnifying glass.

Subject: Re: Evolution and Houses:)
From: bweaver@... (Bill Weaver)
Newsgroups: talk.origins

Gina <QV2453_222@...> wrote:

>If people would only look around closely at nature and the universe they
>would see that there is no way we could have evolved as the evolution
>THEORY States. For everything is so carefully designed that only a being
>of higher intelligence could have designed. Compare the evolution theory
>with this: Suppose there was a forest, and one day a big storm came
>along and all the trees were blown down. Then over the next year the
>trees just came together and built a modern, sophisticated house all by
>them self. Ridicules You say right? Well that's what I have to say about
>the evolution theory.

Don't stop there Gina!

How about this silly THEORY of matter being made of atoms - anyone could
see that our bodies are not 99.99% empty space. Imagine a forest where a
big storm came along and blew down 9999 out of every 10000 tress - you
could see right through it. Can you see right through a table? NO!

And this looney THEORY about relativity - time slowing down when you speed
up - anyone who has ever driven a car on an expressway knows that is a
bunch of bull. Imagine that there was a highway near a forest, and a big
storm blew a bunch of trees over onto the highway. You should be able to
avoid these trees by speeding up until you slowed time enough so you would
never hit the trees at all. Ridicules You say right?

And how about this dumb matter=energy THEORY? Any idiot can see that's not
true. Imagine a forest where a tree got blown down in a big storm and hit
the ground. Does it turn into energy? NO! It stays a tree. If it were to
turn into energy, that would obviously violate the 2nd law of Thermodynamics
(that's OK if you aren't getting me - trust me on this one). And what is a
"sea squared" anyway - how can a sea be square? How would it keep those
sharp corners?

All scientists and science teachers are idiots. You've convinced me Gina. And
that's all I have to say about that.

Subject: Re: Vengence of Vemon (SpiderMan\Die Hard)
From: manchild@... (David J. Warner)
Newsgroups: alt.comics.fan-fiction

Kielle <kielle@...> wrote:
>mark trenner <mtren01@...> sed:
>
>> I have Darkhawk help Spidey and where is Ben at ?
>
>Er, Mark? What color IS the sky in your world...?
>

THE SKY IN MY WORLD WAS BLACK WITH SMOKE AND THICK WITH THE
STENCH OF ROTTING CORPSES CULLLED BY APOCALYPSE AND HIS HORSEM...

Oh, sorry. Got a little carried away there.

Subject: Re: Ghost Stories Please!
From: jas@... (John Stark)
Newsgroups: cam.misc

In article <31774AC6.7C8A@...>, Steve Harman
<Steve.Harman@...> wrote:

> >Ever witnessed something you can't quite explain?
>
>Clare.

Yes - a poster in cam.misc who was called Steve when he started
writing his article and Clare when she finished.

Subject: Re: Misquotes
From: dturner@... (Anson Turner)
Newsgroups: rec.humor

biesiada2@... (Jeannie Biesiada) wrote:

: In article <8BEE28B.0180012FA1.uuout@filebank.cts.com>,
: bill.watts@... (BILL WATTS) wrote:
:
: > -=> Quoting Wes Wright to All <=-
: >
: > gmiller@... (Gaven Miller) wrote:
: > >"He who dies with the most toys wins"
: >
: > > Rich Bernstein wrote:
: > >He who wins the most toys dies.
: >
: > > Ralph Ray Craig (rrcraig@...) wrote:
: > >"He who dies with the most toys is dead"
: >
: > > mpenson@... (Michelle Penson) wrote:
: > >"He who toys with the most wins dies."
: >
: > > He who wins the most dead, toys.
: >
: > He who toys with the dead wins most.
:
: The dead he toys with most wins.

He wins most who toys with the dies.

Subject: Re: WANTED: small refrigerator
From: soren@... (Soren Ragsdale)
Newsgroups: uofa.misc

Jon Hirata (jon@...) spake thusly:

: hey, i'm looking to buy a (preferably used) small refrigerator. one of
: those r2d2-sized ones that you see in the dorm rooms.

I have one, but it keeps babbling on about its "mission" and wants
to be taken to his "real master". Probably just a little sand in
the compressor. I'll clean it tonight and see whether that fixes it.

Subject: Re: paradoxical undressing
From: TJ <stingh@...>
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban

Kenneth Crudup wrote:

> In article <33166841.33D9@nwlink.com>, stingh@... says:
>
> >When a group came upon a wet and shivering kitten, I impulsively seized
> >the moment (and the cat) and tucked him between my c-cups.
>
> Hmmmm ....
>
> <shiver>
>
> MEOW!
>
> -Kenny

Would you feel the same if you knew I ended up gelding him?

Subject: Female orgasm pill
From: du474@... (Mark Oxner)
Newsgroups: bit.listserv.gaynet

Anybody else hear about the female orgasm pill? Between that and
cloning, science has the opportunity to render straight males
obsolete (but I hope they keep the good looking ones for
decorative purposes).

Subject: Re: Revelation
From: god@heaven.com (GOD)
Newsgroups: gil.chat, aus.legal

HELLO CHARLES. THIS IS GOD. NOTE THE BOOMING VOICE.

In <5b2rcv$rb1@gilnt2.ipswich.gil.com.au>, cman@...
(Charles Mannington) writes:

>Those of you who may have been wondering about my absence recently
>will no doubt be surprised to know that I have been on the island
>of Timor, or to be more precise, the tiny independent nation of
>Obfusi-Christo, God's Kingdom on Earth.

I AM NOT SURPRISED AT ALL CHARLES. I WAS THERE. I AM ALWAYS THERE,
BECAUSE I AM EVERYWHERE. SO THERE.

>Why there? Well, it's time for the whole story to now be revealed.
>I have some confessions to make. Not everything that Cedric or I have
>said has been entirely truthful.

THOU SHALL NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS, CHARLES.

>For the last two years, the Christian Technology Group has been developing
>into a major international force, largely in Australia, the USA,
>Canada and France. [...]

THOU SHALL NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS, CHARLES.

> We have had to endure phone taps and other
>insidious forms of surveillance which have been most upsetting to
>the family. [...]

THOU SHALL NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS, CHARLES.

>In summary, the real facts are as follows:
>
>1. Christian Technology has now completed proof-of-concept testing
> of the "Missionary Bot" project. That is not its real name of
> course, but the purpose is basically as has been outlined previously.
> The technology works so well that the government of Singapore has
> signed a license agreement. Others governments are interested.

THOU SHALL NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS, CHARLES. AND THOU SHALL NOT SPELL
"OTHER" WITH AN "S" AT THE END WHERE GRAMMATICALLY UNWARRANTED. YEAH,
I'M A PEDANT. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? I FLOODED THE WHOLE
WORLD BECAUSE THEY KEPT SPELLING MY NAME "BAAL." SHEESH! I HATE THAT
TRY-HARD.

>2. Neither Cedric nor I are the bumbling buffoons that you may
> have assumed. We are both highly-qualified network engineers
> who have been largely responsible for the development of this
> remarkable technology. Cedric is also an active member of the
> Christian ministry.

THOU SHALL NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS, CHARLES.

>3. The Infrared Technology project was a hoax, designed to throw
> our enemies off the scent and to make us look like harmless
> eccentrics.

DID I MENTION THAT THOU SHALL NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS, CHARLES?

>4. Cedric did not run away with his research assistant. He in fact
> left the country some 3 weeks ago to settle his family in
> Obfusi-Christo. He returned with me a few days ago to assist
> with final arrangements here.

THOU SHALL NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS, CHARLES.

>5. We can no longer operate in Australia, or indeed any other country.
> The governments of the world are corrupt at the highest levels.
> They use their security forces to eliminate any opposition, and
> our activities, although no threat to government, can now only
> be carried out under an honest government based on Christian
> principles. The nation of Obfusi-Christo offers the kind of safe
> haven in which we can continue our research and evangelisation
> efforts unhindered by the paranoid and obsessive forces of evil.

YOU CALL THEM PARANOID?

>6. Both Cedric and I hold senior positions in the government of
> Obfusi-Christo and are keen to play our part in helping this
> already prosperous new nation to achieve greatness. You will
> hear much of this nation in the coming years.

THOU SHALL NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS, CHARLES.

YOU ARE BAD CHARLES. NAUGHTY! NO BISCUIT! AND NO HEAVEN FOR YOU!
GO TO OBFUSI-CHRISTO, MY NEW HELL ON EARTH, AND STAY THERE.

GOD.

Subject: Re: Vote for the stupidest Bible story.
From: joewill@... (Joe Williams)
Newsgroups: alt.conspiracy, alt.atheism, alt.christnet, ... [and about 35 others]

My nominee for the stupidest Bible story is the one where Jesus has two different dates for the prom. He dances with one girl while the other one is in the powder room, then he ditches the first girl, supposedly to "get some punch," so he can dance with the second one. This continues for two hours--until the moment when the principal grabs the microphone and announces that Jesus Christ has been voted king of the prom, and suddenly both girls rush onstage to be with Jesus when he accepts the crown. Oops!

Subject: survey!!!!
From: John Ferrante
Newsgroups: alt.music.bootlegs

I am running a survey to see how many people will send me a dollar. please, send me a dollar!

email for info!

Subject: Re: PUNKS ARE fucking LOSERS
From: Topher <cshines@...>
Newsgroups: alt.punk

;> Come to DC and say that shit to my face. I work out 7 days a week at the ;gym,
;> ride my bike 60 miles a day and was trained to kill by the US government.
;> I am very secure in the fact that I can kill you in less time than it ;took to
;> write your pathetic flame.
;> Karl...
;
;Just out of curiosity, which part of the US gov. taught you to kill? Just
;wonderin' because, ya know, I'm currently employed by them, much to my
;dismay...
;
;Kortney

I suspect it was the U.S. Mail.

Subject: Re: NEED CASH?? READ THIS.......
From: Rex <rex@...>
Newsgroups: alt.1d

Soon 2 Succeed! wrote:
>
> Subject: $$Make Cash Fast$$

Hmmmm...it always took me longer than most people to create counterfeit bills. But, then again, I'm somewhat of a perfectionist...

Subject: Re: We need a story for a movie!!
From: tanner@... (Stephen Tanner)
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban, alt.religion.kibology, rec.arts.movies.misc

>On 17 Jul 1997 14:51:42 GMT, "Doug" <dmckean@...> wrote:
>
>>How are you in the production of a film without
>>having had a storyline to show to your financiers?
>>
>>How about Hitler, Amin, Christ, Mohammed,
>>Confucius, Emilia Ehrhardt, Freddy Mercury ...

Dude, having them for financiers is rough! Confucius keeps communicating via fortune cookies, Mohammed gets ticked when I give money to Freddie, I can't even FIND Emilia, and Hitler keeps demanding Lebensraum instead of money.

Well, at least it's not Bill Gates, who demands LebensRAM *and* money.

Subject: Re: Drivers w/ Disabilities
From: hyper1@... (Hyper1 .)
Newsgroups: alt.pizza.delivery.drivers

hyper1 wrote:
>>Our Donelson store has a blond and deaf guy
>
>Which, in your opinion, is the greater handicap? Being blond, or being
>deaf?

Subject: Re: test
From: Michael Cogan <m..cogan@...>
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless

hellower@... wrote:
>
> test

you fail

Subject: Re: Cycle insurance (Re: Speeding)
From: real.address@... (Stephen Walker)
Newsgroups: uk.misc, uk.transport

David Roberts <address@bottom.of.page.if.I.remember.to.include.it> wrote:

>Alex Buell wrote:
>
>> That's why I'm saying cyclists needs their own bit of a road. Have you EVER
>> tried getting past a cyclist on a narrow road? You can't unless the cyclist
>> gives way.
>
>Ok can we have seperate roads for caravans, tractors, old people, Metros,
>tank transporters, women, old cars and combine fuckin 'arversters too?

Can we, please? With them all on different subterranean levels? Can we have a separate, concealed level for cyclists in dayglo lycra, for aesthetic purposes?

Subject: Re: Fish not sentient?
From: michelle.campbell@... (Miche)
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban

In article <5l0k8h$sbg@mackrel.fishnet.net> sam@... (Colin McElroy) writes:

> Paul Ciszek <pciszek at nyx dot net> wrote:
>
> >Of course fish are not sentient-- they neither make tools nor use fire.
>
> Neither do college students. What's your point?

Sure fish are sentient. Here's how they communicate:

Swims fast = happy
Swims slowly = unhappy/ill
Doesn't swim = dead

Subject: Re: cow tipping
From: Chainsaw <Chainsaw@...>
Newsgroups: alt.shenanigans

Ken McE wrote:

>"Cow tipping" is the custom of sneaking up on sleeping cows ( they
> sleep standing up) and pushing them over sideways. Farmers dislike it
> because cows are expensive, and you might hurt one. Cows dislike it
> because it's SOOO embarrassing. 8-)
>
Cow tipping, in and of itself, however, is a prank. It's designed to get the one or two tippers out in the middle of a field with cow poop all over the place in the dark with an angry cow that has just woken up after someone pushed it over.

Subject: Re: Do you think my friend could be a star?
From: SCTQ91A@... (Theodore Miller)
Newsgroups: alt.tv.commercials

>Do you think my best friend could be a big star?

That depends. Is your friend millions of miles wide, composed of hydrogen and helium, and emitting enormous amounts of energy?

Subject: Re: Grammar Problems
From: bjg@... (Brian J Goggin)
Newsgroups: alt.usage.english

On Wed, 14 May 1997 17:58:43 -0500, Ralph M Jones <rmjones@...> wrote:

>Peter Moylan wrote:

>> But I think it's fair to compare, say, students from Korea
>> with those from China, because English should be equally
>> difficult for both groups. Yet the Koreans are almost invariably
>> better in English. Why? I'm guessing that it's because of
>> a difference in the system of teaching.

>Could the presence of the US military in Korea have had an effect?

Don't know. Invade China and we'll find out.

Subject: Re: The blind man
From: Peter R Booth <"Peter R Booth">
Newsgroups: bln.humor, chile.humor, git.humor, han.rec.humor, rec.humor, relcom.humor, za.humour, aus.jokes, eunet.jokes, alt.humor.puns

Ned Carlson wrote:
>
> "wyvern@plaza.snu.ac.kr" <wyvern@...> wrote:
>
> >=B4=D9=B8=A5=BB=E7=B6=F7=BF=A1 =B4=EB=C7=D1 =B9=E8=B7=C1=B0=A1 =C0=D6=B4=D9=
> >=B8=E9, =C7=D1=B1=DB=B7=CE =C7=D8=BC=AE=C7=D8=BC=AD =B3=BB =BA=B8=B3=C2=B4=
> >=C3=C5=D9=B5=A5...
> >
> >=C7=D8=BC=AE=C7=CF=B4=D9=B0=A1 =BF=AD=B9=DE=C0=BA =B9=AB=BD=C4=C0=E5=C0=CC=
> >=B0=A1....
>
> You have to turn OFF the Korean fonts before you post in Engish
> language newsgroups...
>
> Or were you using Russian fonts for relcom?

Neither, it was a cleverly coded transmission from Oobooglunk alien Base in Mongolia to their mother ship on Mars...something along the lines of "we have run clean out of sugar and milk and the boys don't like black coffee...please send same on next UFO to Roswell"

Subject: Re: Ti 46-inch Driver
From: "David Bridenbaugh" <bridenba@...>
Newsgroups: rec.sport.golf

Dbm2001 <dbm2001@...> wrote...

> I have a 10-month-old, oversize-head with a Ti face and a 46 inch,
> cross-filament-wound graphite shaft with a stiff flex

Damn. You must be one weird looking dude....

Subject: Re: Who really wants the comprimise?
From: BECman <becman@...>
Newsgroups: aus.sport.rugby-league

[Onaustralia is an ISP, partly owned by Microsoft.]

hudson wrote:
:
: Daniel <dandez@onaustralia.com.au> wrote in article
: <01bc6a61$7ea75a00$e55a868b@dialup.ozemail.com.au>...
: >
: > [snip]
:
: Is onaustralia our equivalent of aol?

Australia doesn't need an "aol" we don't have that many idiots.

Subject: Re: Lost Great Dane in Calif -Please keep an eye out !
From: fugue@...
Newsgroups: rec.misc, rec.motorcycles, news.newusers.questions, rec.humor, rec.juggling

cataroo@... (Rachel Cawley a.k.a. Cataroo) said:

> I am posting this for a friend. Please if you are in the
> Southern California are keep an eye out for her.
>
> Lost!! > Spayed Female Great Dane 'Rio'
> Fawn (tan colored) with graying muzzle.
> Tattooed on inner right thigh MF1
> Microchipped with Avid
> Last seen the in San Bernardino, Ca area.
>
> Please if you have seen her email me and I'll
> pass the message to her heartbroken owner.
>

Oh, geez. I knew that would come back to haunt me. Errr...would the owner be satisfied if I simply provided the leftovers? I've some good BBQ sauce I could offer, too. Unfortunately the rest went out in last week's rubbish. Does she prefer white or dark meat?

Subject: Re: make hydrogen easily?
From: wpenrose@... (William R. Penrose)
Newsgroups: sci.chem

In article <334320FB.692C@ix.netcom.com
> Eric Lucas <ealucas@...
> writes:
>>
>> Yeah, but make sure you inhale from a balloon and not the cylinder valve
>> !
>
>Hee hee. Good point. I guess it would look pretty bad if his wife came
>home and found his lips frozen to the helium tank valve because of
>Joule-Thompson cooling!

Or saw him about 100 ft in diameter and floating over Milwaukee.

Subject: Re: Looking to acquire
From: Material Guy <jbuch@...>
Newsgroups: sci.engr.manufacturing, sci.engr.mech, alt.technology.obsolete

ted kraus wrote:
>
> Looking to acquire technology that might be obsolete but still has
> some "life" in it as a product
> ted.kraus@...

As a 56 year old PhD with Aerospace background, I probably qualify as somewhat obsolete technology which still has some life to it. What do you offer?

Subject: Re: Recipe Roast Lamb NEEDED.
From: Lyndon Watson <L.Watson@...> (Lyndon Watson)
Newsgroups: soc.culture.new-zealand

Frank van der Hulst <frankv@...> writes:
> Lyndon Watson (Lyndon Watson) wrote:
>> Yes, well, ... there is in fact nothing required to roast the lamb in
>> the traditional NZ way except just ... putting the thing in the oven
>> and roasting it.
>
> I tried that... it was a real b*stard getting it to stay in the oven
> though.

Yes, the old problem. The genuine old country cooking range - and this is a reliable mark of authenticity - always had an oven door that unlocked from the outside only to prevent escapes. The more intelligent Sunday roasts had been known to unlatch the simple models from the inside.

These modern ovens with doors that open with a push from the inside are just not suitable, I'm afraid, for really traditional NZ country cooking.

Subject: Re: out-of-place artifacts
From: "Robert Imrie, DVM" <"aleonis"@...>
Newsgroups: soc.history.ancient, rec.arts.sf.science, alt.archaeology, soc.history, sci.archaeology, soc.history.science, sci.skeptic, alt.folklore.science, alt.sci.time-travel, alt.ufo.reports, sci.anthropology

Jiri Mruzek wrote:

> You should know that really civilised cultures leave
> no garbage after themselves.

What a coincidence! Niether do imaginary ones!

Subject: Re: I MASTURBATE TO LARA CROFT
From: justin@... (Justin R Macfarlane)
Newsgroups: alt.games.video.sony-playstation, rec.games.video.sony, alt.games.tombraider, alt.games.video.nintendo-64, alt.games.video.sega-saturn, rec.games.video.sony

John decided to enlighten us thus:
< UNTIL MY ICING AND CREAM FLY ALL OVER MY PLAYSTATION AND TV.

does that void your warranty?

Subject: Re: Limeys
From: psksn@... (K.Newstead)
Newsgroups: uk.current-events.princess-diana

mrclean@pdq.net wrote:
: The brits have no sense of humor besides the fact that we kicked there asses

Yeah? Anyone who kicks MY donkey is dead meat, and I don't care how many native Americans they've shot.

Subject: Re: Showing Mother Teresa's body on TV
From: Hank_Gillette@... (Hank Gillette)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv, alt.religion.christian

"Eastern Heretic" <peng@...> wrote:

> Mother Theresa's body was perfectly intact and
> she looked serence, so why can't pictures of her body be shown on TV???

I found it really bizarre that they kept showing Mother Teresa's body with a text overlay that said "Live".

Subject: Loonies (was Pet Peeves - Other Drivers Division)
From: dgriffi@... (David Griffith)
Newsgroups: alt.pizza.delivery.drivers

Jim Mackey (jmackey@...) wrote:
: In article <5s5f5n$kvd$1@nuke.csu.net>, dgriffi@...,
: otherwise known as David Griffith, came out of the closet with...

: > That's probably better than the lady who'd sit outside our restaurant and
: > shout at cars all the time (occupied or not).
:
: Our current loonie is this guy who orders a pitcher of Coke and sits for
: an hour or so, playing air guitar to the music and commentating for the
: surf videos.
:
: I let him stay as long as there aren't many people in the store... if
: someone complains, though, out he goes.

That lady who shouted at cars was at a place where I don't work at anymore. Now we have a guy who looks like he's 50 or so who seriously thinks he's Superman (and wears an appropropriate shirt underneath the outershirt). All he does is come in on Sundays around 7pm, orders a pitcher of beer and some chicken and stays almost to closing. Once there was a fight outside, so he climbed on the roof and jumped down into the middle of it. I think the participants were to confused to go on.

Subject: Re: Creation Myth
From: Having@... (Sawney Beane)
Newsgroups: soc.culture.celtic

Tina Zucconi <zuccag00@...> wrote:
>
>I am looking for any info on celtic creation myths.

We think God probably did it.

Have A Cracker?

Subject: Re: OT: How Many ABSKs are There Anyway? (was Re: Very Quiet)
From:         web@... (Web Master)
Newsgroups: alt.books.stephen-king

Rick Ward (rickward@...) wrote:

: Well, you might be...remember SamIAm's summary of Cujo?

SEVERELY WARPED BUT CUJO SPOILERS NONETHELESS FOLLOW....

For some reason, this started rolling around in my head this morning
and when I saw this post I decided to write it down. Don't shoot me
(I'm only the piano player)...

Cujo in the Wind (with apologies to Elton, Bernie and anyone else...)

Goodbye Vic Trenton
Though I never chewed you at all
I got a few bites off your wife
And I made the sheriff fall
She crawled out of the Pinto
As the disease ate into my brain
All she wanted was the phone
All I wanted was chow mein

And it seems to me I did all this
'cos I got rabies from a bat
Never knowing who to bite next
Hmm, I'll have some of that
And I would have liked to have chewed you
Oops, I guess I did
I didn't really mean it
All I wanted was the kid...

Rabies sure is tough
The toughest part was hearing Frank Dodd
It turned me into boogeyman
And pain was the price we paid
Even when I died
Oh the spooks still hounded you
Cos the Pinto was a tomb
And the Tadder was found semi-nude

Goodbye Bannerman
From the young dog who was called Cujo
Who sees you as something more then lunch
More than just someone to chow down on

And it seems to me I did all this
'cos I got rabies from a bat
Never knowing who to bite next
Hmm, I'll have some of that
And I would have liked to have chewed you
Oops, I guess I did
I didn't really mean it
All I wanted was the kid...

Subject: Re: Celebrity Brownies
From: carol-arie@... (Damsel in dis Dress)
Newsgroups: alt.food, alt.food.chocolate, rec.food, rec.food.baking,  rec.food.chocolate

"Unknown User" wrote:

>Send $5 for all 4 Celebrity Brownies.

Are they made of REAL celebrities?

Subject: Re: Hello, hello...is this thing on?
From: Rich Churcher <rich.churcher@...>
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d

Rick The Notes Guy Dickinson wrote:
>
> Sharing the wisdom of the ages with those of us reading
> rec.humor.oracle.d, The Great and Powerful Danny Sichel
> <eds7466@umoncton.ca> wrote:
>
> >You can't break the laws of physics so you might as well drink beer,
> >You have to be a little drunk to be a Starfleet engineer...
> >
> >Montgom'ry Scott was a drunken sot who was...
> >
> >Sorry, I'm mixing my versions.
>
> I've never heard the Star Trek version.  Any chance of hearing the
> whole thing?  By email would be fine, if you don't want to clutter the
> Newsgroup.

You obviously don't know your Monty Python.  To paraphrase <ahem>:

Montgomery Scott was a drunken sot who was very rarely stable,
Captain Kirk went a bit berserk with a hip flask and a ladle,
Data calmed on a keyboard armed with hallucinogenic cable,
Mr. Spock, of Vulcan stock, could drink you under the table...

hmmmmmmm... On second thoughts, perhaps I'd better stop there.

Cheers (here's mud in yer eye)

Subject: Re: a basic question on peace
From: warlock@... (Jacky Mallett)
Newsgroups: soc.religion.quaker

Guy Macon <guymacon@...> wrote:
>Notice the size of the armies that Mexico and Canada have to
>meet the constant threat of a U.S. invasion.  Why so small?

Newsflash. Ottawa, January 2013

Ottawa Quakers called for donations today to an emergency snowsuit fund
for american soldiers, as the latest wave of invaders was stalled
by a snowstorm outside Toronto. As american tanks were halted by massive
snowdrifts on the 417, the RCMP denied that it has been assisting american
marines with directions to Ottawa. "I told them it was near Toronto", said
one RCMP officer, "but they said they knew that already".

Canadian meterologists dismissed claims by the US military that winter
temperatures of -20 and below were unusually cold. 'If they think that's bad,
wait until they get to Calgary' one senior meterologist commented. Meanwhile
the Ontario government announced that savings in the snow removal fund
caused by the american invasion would be used to cover additional social
assistance costs for new canadian citizens.

A total of 10,000 US soldiers have now accepted canadian citizenship
as part of the invasion response program. The package which offers
immediate citizenship for soldiers and their families, including all
health costs, membership of the canadian pension fund, free education,
housing and a resettlement allowance for the west coast, has been extremely
popular with the older rank and file.

The success of the program is being attributed in part to local relief
efforts to assist american soldiers poorly prepared for winter conditions.
As local towns provided hot food and blankets to the troops, american GI's
were amazed by canadian hospitality. "These people are really nice", said
one GI who reported being shot at during one holiday in Chicago.
Reports that the high rate of breakdown experienced by american troop
carriers was due to bottles of blue coloured water labelled anti-freeze
being distributed to canadian petrol stations were strenously denied by
the Canadian government.  'Mislabelling of consumer products can be
extremely dangerous, and will be prosecuted under the Sale of Goods Act',
stated an official.

Meanwhile in Florida, the takeover of the state government by Canadian
Snowbirds has continued into its third week. Attempts by the national
guard to move in were blocked by senior citizens who have built an ice rink
on the main freeways using snowmakers smuggled in from Quebec. "They just
don't have any winter driving experience down here, eh", said one pensioner,
armed with a submachine gun bought at a local gun store. Concerns raised
by Congress over the availability of weapons to foreign nationals, were
condemned by Florida gun shop owners as 'anti-competitive'.

European observers have expressed surprise over the latest american agression,
so soon after the acknowledged fiasco of the recent Mexican takeover.  Relief
efforts in San Diego are continuing after the massive exodus from Mexico
City to California. Immigration officials stated they were unable to
stop mexican-americans from traveling north in search of work now that
the border has been dismantled.

In Washington today, Senate members called for emergency debate as
opinion polls for the Presidential elections continued to show the Mayor
of Mexico city in first place, with 98% support amongst the mexican community.
State officials have acknowledged that granting US citizenship to all mexicans
immediately following the takeover may have been premature.

;-)

Subject: Re: JESUS IS THE LORD!!!!!
From: moses@... (Charlton Heston)
Newsgroups: alt.humor.jewish

jwentzky@inova.net writes:

>LET'S MAKE THIS NATION SOMETHING JESUS WOULD BE PROUD OF.
>
>JOIN THE ANTI-PORNOGRAPHY BANDWAGON.
>
>Write your congressman, representative, and legislators demanding that
>they eliminate pornography from this society. United against pornography,
>this nation will get better in the eyes of God.
>
>It is time to stop the trash that has infected America.
>
>Honor Jesus, worship God. Pray that the Holy Spirit will move on this
>country with power to enable the leaders of this nation to eliminate
>pornography.
>
>Take a stand for Jesus.

Oy!  Have you got the wrong newsgroup.

Kevin Mark Marshall <kmm2@erols.com> said...
> The Lord and Savior Jesus Christ LOVES *You!   Trust The Lord and Savior
> Jesus Christ and become a child of God Almighty and LIVE forever in His
> Kingdom!

But does He love my cyberpet?  And if so, why did He let it die?

Subject: Re: JESUS IS THE LORD!!!!!
From: Timmy Benge <v2stiff@...>
Newsgroups: alt.music.clash

I often hear this sentiment.  Why do people find it plausible that there
is an omniscient being who created us and his sole purpose in doing this
was to regulate who is around during, the quantity, and the quality of a
persons orgasms?  Maybe they should give their church the more apropos
moniker:  The First Church of The Almighty Voyeur.

Any day In Heaven:

God (incredulous):  "Look at them! I can't believe it!  Did I not have
Moses deliver the Ten Commandments?  And was not there a stipulation
prohibiting "Adultery".  Oh Me!  Jesus are you writing this down?  Tracy
Bingus-Soul #896719000111 send a note to the guys in Fatal Diseases, give
her cancer IMMEDIATELY.  I made dogs for companionship...

Jesus: "What about the Chihuahua..."

God: "Shut your mouth... Inter-species felatio is an abomination in the
sight of Me. Which reminds me give herpes to everyone responsible for
inter-league play in baseball.

Jesus:  "Right daddy."
 

SJ wrote:
>Simon Wilkinson wrote:
>
>> <confession>
>> I have had two girls in a bed twice in my life...it was heaven......the
>> rest of my life has been utter garbage....but i think i got a good deal
>> </confession>
>
>You've just confessed that to six different newsgroups, Simon. But don't
>worry, I'm sure your secret is safe with "vegas.personals.fsm"....
>
>Can I be nosey, Simon, and ask how your menages came about? Were they
>pre-planned or spontaneous?
 

It was a cold and wet December night, but I was hot. Hot for action.
I'm not talking brawling around in bars beating the living daylights
out of any guy who so much as looked in my direction, I'm talking the
other kind of action. I'm talking dirty. I'm talking "sex" kind of
hot. I'm talking no-strings adult fun.

I'd been tailing this broad for about a week and a half. She was a
babe. Legs from the ankle right up to where they stopped, at the hip.
These were serious hips. They read Shakespeare for fun. If they
weren't curvy, then Ghandi wasn't a little guy with glasses. And if
Ghandi was a little guy with glasses, then those glasses were steamed
up. I think it had something to do with the fact that it was
impossible to take your eyes off this girl's tits. And if you weren't
looking at her tits, you were looking at her ass. And those hips. And
her legs. I nearly got a good clear look at her face, but I was
tailing her, and my eyes were occupied. Not that kind of tailing her.
That would come later. With her friend. About six times. So I'd been
following her around for about a week and a half, trying to get wise
to her moves, find out where she lived, drank, ate, took a dump, all
the kinds of things a guy like me needed to know about a girl like
her.

So after the twelve-month restraining order had expired, I started
following her again. But this time I was smart. I realised that if she
saw me I'd be back in the pen, back in the can, being taken up the ass
by Mickey "Too Dangerous To Stand Next To On The Subway" McViolent. I
didn't want that to happen. I was still learning how to walk straight
again, and got the feeling that if I turned up in the C Block john so
soon after last time, Big Mickey McV would think we were made for each
other and try and offer me his ring. Not that kind of ring. A golden
ring; an engagement ring. The kind of ring you get which says "I LOVE
YOU, WE WERE MADE FOR EACH OTHER, I WANT TO PUMP GALLONS OF SEMEN UP
YOUR ASS". Nobody went near Mickey McV's ring. His other ring. Mostly
because they were bent forward over the can, and couldn't reach it.
Besides, his ass was a lump of muscle that could have split you in
half. But I'm digressing. So I started tailing her again. Not that
kind of tailing. The other kind. That would come later. With her
friend. The blonde one.

I got myself a disguise. From the mailman. He didn't exactly give it
to me, I kind of stole it. Not that kind of "give it to me". Well,
maybe I borrowed it. He wasn't using it anymore. By the time I'd
realised it was him, the mailman, and not Mickey McV, who was still in
the pen -- but how was I supposed to know that? -- he was already
dead. He hit the floor like a turd falling from ... a really big
height. A kindof thumpy, splashing sound. That was his milkshake. So I
took his uniform. Got it dry-cleaned and the holes darned. It looked
as good as new. Those Chinese places are amazing. I had my disguise,
and I started following her again.

By the time I'd earned parole I was using tampax. Don't ask what for.
Mickey McV was long gone. He joined a Convent, found his calling.
Gerald "Oh Shit" LamBada was into me by this time, and into me a big
way. All the way down. Sometimes I could damn near taste the guy.
Sometimes I had to taste the guy, no option. But I got out and started
tailing this broad again. I don't need to tell you that it wasn't that
kind of tailing. So I was following her again.

Turns out she was married with three kids, all teenagers. When I'd
first spotted her she was a Freshman in College. I knew I had to be
really, really careful this time. I went to a Theatre supply place off
Broadway and rented a costume. A Clown's costume. I figured, that was
me. A clown. Chasing this broad, this married broad, with three really
cute daughters. If it wasn't illegal, I would have switched my tail to
the daughters. One of the daughters. Maybe all of them, just to be
sure. But I figured the kids were too old to get Mom to hire me for
one of their birthday parties. If I wanted to taste their cakes, I was
going to have to do it on my own time. Dressed as a clown. Hopefully
undressed. The prospects were getting bleaker of ever wearing my
birthday suit in anything but all-male company again, but I thought,
"Hey. I'm a man. This is what men do."

Turns out the Clown costume was a bad idea. Too conspicuous. I nearly
got my ass kicked back to the pen for busting my parole, but the board
took kindly on me when I refused to sit down. I couldn't sit down. I
would have swallowed the chair.

I got another costume. Street cleaner. I followed her around for a
week, found out where she lived, ate, drank, took a dump. The side of
the bed she slept in. Her husbands favourite position ("Fat Monkey
Squealing, Happy Chicken Ironing Shirt Eating Skinned Banana
Upside-Down"). Her favourite position ("whatever"). Her eldest
daughter's favourite position ("Plug The Monkey"). Her youngest
daughters favourite position ("Two Monkeys, Both Girls"). Her other
daughter's favourite position ("Monkey Eat Confessional Banana,
Skinned, Swallow Whole, Sing In Choir"). I found out more than I
needed to know. What I needed to know, was this: If I got her drunk
enough, would she sit on my face?

This happy families deal was getting me down. I knew there was no way
I could ever compete. So I went to a bar, ordered a beer, switched to
a scotch, then switched back to the beer, and back to the scotch,
until the barman looked at me in a way that reminded me of Mickey McV,
so I bought the bar, the whole thing. Tables, chairs, waitresses --
what a bunch of waitresses -- and I was in business.

A few days later, the door opened. It was December. A December night.
Cold. Wet. Dreary. And I was hot. The air conditioning was dead. I
shot it accidentally, I thought it was the mailman. And in walked the
babe, the broad, the one I'd been tailing all these years and still
hadn't managed to tail. She was looking good, real good, for a woman
of her age. She ordered a beer. Ordered a scotch. I nearly sold her
the bar. She settled on a scotch. She looked at me, kind of quizzical.
She knew who I was.

    "Hey, barkeep," she said. She was talking to me. I was the
barkeep. I owned the bar, I kept the bar. I was the barkeep. "Don't I
know you from someplace?"
    "Maybe you do, maybe you don't," I said, replying to what she'd
just said. That's how conversation works. Somebody says something, you
say something back. And try and make sure that it has something to do
with what they just said, or else they'll look at you kind of funny.
"I'm just a barkeep, beautiful."
    "You're not just a barkeep," she said, with that kind of look
which says, "I'm going to say something else". I kept my mouth shut
and waited. "You're the guy that I had sent to the pen for following
me around."
    "Maybe I am, maybe I'm not," I said, although we both knew that I
was.
    "Whatever." She took a slug of the scotch. "You still have the
hots for me?"
    "Maybe I do, maybe I don't," I said. That sentence construction
was getting kind of annoying by now. I resolved to change it with my
next sentence.
    "It wouldn't surprise me if you didn't, you know," she said, kind
of sad. "My husband is fucking the girl next door. She's eighteen.
Tits that point to heaven. Mine point to the floor."
    I looked. they did.
    "You look beautiful to me," I said. She did. I hadn't had sex for
... a long time. Not, guy-girl sex, as opposed to guy-guy's asshole
sex. Any broad would look good to me. But that's not the point. She
was still a good looking broad, gravity or no gravity. Her husband was
such a jerk. I told her so. "You're husband's such a jerk," I said,
"All that Fat Monkey Squealing, Happy Chicken Ironing Shirt Eating
Skinned Banana Upside-Down shit. Gets on my nerves."
    "You and me both," she said, smiling. "He doesn't love me anymore,
anyhow. He just uses me every so often when the neighbour's away.
We're getting divorced. He's marrying her. She's best friends with my
youngest daughter."
    "Whoa, that girl gets around. And I don't mean your daughter."
    "I'm kinda lonely," she said.
    "Most everybody is, doll-face."
    "I'm kinda hot."
    "That's the air conditioning. I thought it was the mailman."
    "You ever thought about doing it with me? You know, having sex?"
    I knew what she meant the first time. God, I knew. I dropped a
glass. It smashed. The base didn't reach the floor. It sat on the end
of my pecker which was pecking up at the crotch of my pants.
    "Once or twice," I said.
    "Let's go do it."
    "I have to keep bar."
    "I don't care."
    "I care. This place is my bread and butter."
    "Get him to look after it," she said, looking at the other
barkeep, the one I'd bought the bar off and was still employing, the
one who hadn't lifted a glass in forever. "We could go upstairs."
    "Upstairs is a pizza joint. Better if we go back to my place."

    We left. Got into a cab. The cabdriver was a girl. Blonde chick
with short hair. Mid-twenties. Cute. Real cute. Small. She was sitting
on telephone directories.

    "Where you guys headed?"

    I told her. She drove. She was kind of talkative. Turns out that
the two broads used to know each other for a while. My broad used to
teach kids to drive. The cabdriver flunked eight times.

    By the time we got to my apartment we'd been on the road eight
hours. I lived six blocks down from the bar. The cabdriver girl said
she knew short-cut. I said "You *have* a short-cut," I told her.
"There is no short-cut." It was a straight road. By the time we got to
my place we were all good buddies and my broad was off the boil. So
invited the cabby in, too, and ordered a pizza. Mexican. Hot. We ate
the pizza.

    It was nearly six a.m.; the girls were beat. So was I. I took the
couch. they took the bed. After all these years of dreaming of getting
that broad into my bed, there she was. And more than that, there she
was in my bed with another broad. It was heaven, except that I was on
the couch.

    I got up the next morning, took them coffee. They were both still
there, in bed. Only they were eating each other. Eating each other
like the pizza we'd all shared last night, except the pizza we'd all
shared was Mexican. There was no tuna in that box.

    It was a bad pun. I put the pun down and stepped away from the
pun. Nothing to see here, move along, move along.

    Later, they came downstairs. Well, they walked down the stairs.
Both of them had big grins on their faces. Turns out the broad was a
lesbian. Both of them were lesbians. They dig each other. Dug tunnels.
Stopped for lunch, all sweaty from the toil. She didn't know it. Now
she did. And she was hot. The air-conditioning. Same thing.

    "I have to thank you," said the broad. "Without out you ... I ...
With you, it would have been just another sweat soaked hard
heterosexual fuck, rewarding in its own way but ultimately
unsatisfying. But if it hadn't been for you ... we ... us ... we would
never have found each other."

    I smiled. Life sucked. The broad didn't. My wrist was aching and
my balls were sore. I'd been beaten off life's track again.

    "Whatever, funny-face," I said. "Let me just ask you one thing.
Name the first kid after me."
    "We will," she said. They left. They didn't ask me my name, so I
know she was lying.

    Anyway. There's this other broad. Works in a shoe store.

    THE END

On Mon, 26 Jan 1998 10:25:18 GMT, Rhonda <jezabel@...>
wrote:

>Has there been any news of Michael Hutchence's heart-breaking, untimely
>death? I'm from USA & haven't heard anything, really. ThankYou.

Well he's still dead if thats what your wondering.

Subject: Re: Evolution Dark Ages - Not Far from the Truth!
From: bugreports@... (Rune Boersjoe)
Newsgroups: alt.christnet, alt.atheism, talk.origins, sci.skeptic

*** FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE ***
MEMO FROM: "The Trees"
Stop the Logging or we will continue to kill one celebrity each week.
There are no skiing "accidents."

Subject: Re: "Professional Hawaiians" (trashing of Hawaii culture)
From: smooth@... (George)
Newsgroups: soc.culture.hawaii

< (Message about the deep connection between eating and sex in Polynesia
snipped)... >

Sometimes I wonder how would our present society look like if the old
Polynesian taboos won. Imagine if free sex would be deemed normal and
desirable, while free eating penalized...

Milton Holt would be caught with a $21,000 restaurant bill, for one. Shops
selling pornographic obscenities such as "Modern Kitchen" , and "Family
Cookbook" would multiply in Waikiki. The sidewalk on Kuhio would be full of
lunchwagen after 10pm. A few demagogue wannabes would try to whip up a
public outcry harping on family values, but no one would give a hoot.

The Church would hold that eating serves to preserve the human race, and
not "some lowly pursuit of animalistic urges" We'd be allowed to chose
_one_ kind of meal to eat for our whole life - and that would be it! We
could announce the choice in a big cathedral during a very moving
celebration... to the sounds of organ music, you would walk up with a lunch
plate wrapped into white curtain ... a guy dressed funny would hold a
speech to which you would have to answera serious  "I do"... after, you
would invite the large public to a party where everyone would make love.

There would be a public referendum whether two foods belonging to the same
group should be allowed to marry. A few demagogue wannabes would try to
whip up a public outcry harping on family values, but no one would give a
hoot.

Swinger pubs would prosper on each corner. The biggest fast fling chain
would be McDonalds, offering the McLibido for 66 cents including shower
("your everyday great value") and KFC with their "Lovin' made just the way
you like". Drug usage would hit hte rock bottom as people would rather
spend 66 cents at McDonalds to get light-headed.

Bill Clinton would face questioning for not sleeping with enough women.
Also for eating various foods, to which he would answer that he only chewed
but didn't swallow. 12,000 laws would be enacted to curtail free eating,
out of which 11,998 here in Hawaii. The internet would be 80% food
pictures. A few demagogue wannabes would try to whip up a public outcry
harping on family values, but no one would give a hoot.

Humans being always obsessed with stuff that's forbidden or made difficult
to obtain, eating would soon take on a whole different dimension.  It
wouldn't be just eating, it would mean so much more ! You would have to
question your _feelings_ about your chosen meal type if you are going
already to spend your life with it. The media would be full of articles,
like "How to find a mutually nurturing relationship with chicken katsu"
"What to do if your roast beef doesn't understand you" and  "Should you
give the best years of your life to zucchini?" Scientists would argue that
a balanced diet consists of several different meals, but we would know they
are just a bunch of sicko, depraved perverts !

Oh well. We just have to outlaw something even if that makes no sense,
don't we. I wish we outlawed outlawing once already.

George

Subject: Re: Ok, who's been trolling CNN Headline News?
From: Teg Pipes <teg@...>
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology

asuter@... (Lupus Yonderboy) writes:

> Cat bowling is a triffic sport where you pick up a cat,
> slide her down the hardwood floor of the hallway, watch
> as she bonks into the wall, then wonder why she comes
> running back to do it again.

My favorite game is "Wind Up Kitty".  This is when you take
an adult, misanthropic cat and pick it up (kindly) by the
midsection with one hand and hold it about 6 inches off
the floor.  With the other hand you twirl the tail (again,
kindly; I'm not suggesting you twist it off) and make "rrrrr
rrrr RRRR RRRR" noises.  Then, when the cat is at his height
of annoyance, put it down on the floor and let it go.  The cat
will speed off like one of those little cars.

This doesn't work too well with babies.

Subject: Re: Interactive fiction in Spanish
From: spatula@... (tv's Spatch)
Newsgroups: rec.games.int-fiction

David Glasser said "To hell with carpal tunnel!" and wrote:
>
> Yo no habla español [1], but rec.arts.int-fiction (and

> [1] That was supposed to say that I don't speak Spanish.  It probably
> doesn't.

Kindly take back what you just said about my sister, please.

Subject: Re: ELAYNE GETS *PLONKED*! (was Re: Ethics and the single superhero (was Re: <None>))
From: carl.henderson@... (J. Carl Henderson)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.misc

David Crowe <jetman@...> wrote:

>: >> *PLONK*!

>: >*plonk*

>: *PLONK*!!!!

>If this keeps up, each of us will only be reading our own posts...

Not necessarily so. Yesterday, while looking for responses to one of my posts,
I discovered that I had accidentally managed to killfile myself...

Subject: Re: Donate Sperm-$1000/week
From: "Dave Fuller" <Dave_Fuller@...>
Newsgroups: alt.religion.mormon

Steve Booher wrote in message <6cgl4d$5ao$1@gte1.gte.net>...
>R.L. Measures wrote in message ...
>> jake@... wrote:

>>> If you are a healthy male between the ages of 18-45 and are seriously
>>>interested in participating and earning up to $1000 weekly

>>(at the standard rate of $1000 per U.S. gallon)

>a GALLON per week?  YIKES!

I hurt just thinking about about it.

Subject: Re: NG's got at by Internal Affairs... GOOD
From: dlineham@...
Newsgroups: nz.general, ihug.general

On Thu, 19 Feb 1998 08:38:33 GMT, fpbbgre@... (Scooter)
wrote:

>The Bible specifically warns against cultism.

Yeah, just like ciggie packs warn against cancer and heart disease!

Subject: Re: Uses for AOL disks (was:Re: please tell me)
From: "D. Williams" <dwil@...>
Newsgroups: alt.comics.dilbert, alt.humor, rec.humor

[Submitter's Note: This was a typical thread on uses for AOL disks,
until someone suggested throwing them at people and someone took it
seriously...]

> Jerry Levine wrote:
> >
> > Eurasmus B. Black wrote:
> > >
> > > Bob wrote:
> > > >
> > > > "David Thompson" <eventsdc@usa.net> wrote:
> > > > >More uses for AOL disks:
> > > > >
> > > > >Great paving stones for decorative walkways
> > > > >Chew toys for pets
> > > > >Fish tank decorations
> > > > >Frisbees (especially on college quad)
> > > > >Placemats (college dorms)
> > > > >any others?
> > > >
> > > > Go over to www.neosoft.com/nikki/ and see what an artist can do with
> > > > these little beasties.  She has made quite a few brilliant pieces with
> > > > them (although an AOL disk as a halo seems sort of blasphemous to me.)
> > > >
> > > > Bob
> > >
> > > Sharpen the edges and toss them off tall buildings into crowded streets.
> >
> > In this day and age, the way people act, I don't think your reply was
> > funny or called for. Some a--hole will read it and probably try it.
>
> It doesn't work. I already tried it and they're too light to do any
> damage. I'm going to try a lead rivet in the center. Then, if that
> works I'll see about wrapping some band saw blade around the edge.
> That might bring it under Federal no-no laws, though.
>
>    And for all you loons who want to try it, if you hold a CD-Rom disc
> in each hand and jump off a high building, you will sort of glide
> through the air slowly and can steer towards a landing spot, as long as
> it's below your starting point.
>
>    Think they may try that also, Jerry, in this day and age?
>
> P.S. Slowly means "slowly as compared to a comet."

I think to be safe, and truly enjoy the art of CD-sailing like this you
should take no chances of landing upside down.  Therefore I recommend
tying several pieces of buttered toast to your butt, buttered side down
(you know, 'cause buttered toast always falls buttered side down).
Optionally you could try having a cat straddle your head and tie the cat
down, but if the cat is at all incontinent (or just plain afraid of
heights and/or falling) you might have a real mess on your hands (actually
I guess the mess would start at your head and neck, but could
conceivably run down to your hands).

Personally I love CD-Sailing; also known in some areas as CD-chuting (as
in parachuting).  I would be happy to show Jerry (or any other anal
retentive folks) how to do this.  Just bring your CDs and meet me on the
tallest building around!

Subject: Re: What a lot of you seem to be forgetting is....
From: Jedi Master Yoda <yoda@dagoba.org>
Newsgroups: comp.infosystems.www.authoring.html

Lee wrote:
>
> > There exists the newsgroup: comp. infosystems. intranet
>
> In fact, only 1833 posts to date have *ever* been posted
> there, compared to around 175,000 for this group. Which would you use?

According to that argument you should post your HTML questions to
alt.sex.

JM "You might get more interesting answers, too" Y

Subject: Re: Dead Fall 100% dead.
From: nick@... (Nick Williams)
Newsgroups: uk.rec.climbing

Matthew <Matthew@...> wrote:

>whats the best way to kill yourself while climbing???

Yank the pin out of the hand-grenade you keep in your harness. Wait three
seconds.  Death, as they say, will be instantaneous. If you want to be
really sure, tie it to your head with bungee cord.

Alternatively, you can use a shotgun. Under the chin is good, saw the barrel
off so you can reach the trigger more easily. Double-aught buck from a
three-inch shell should do the trick. This has the added advantage that your
relatives don't have to wash your brain matter off your bedroom ceiling, or
pick buckshot out of the furniture.

HTH.

Subject: Re: Fan short stories
From: gally@... (Colleen Leah Morgan)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.tank-girl

Heidi (heidi82@...) wrote:
: My e-zine is running a Writing Contest through March 1. You can submit
: poems or short stories in a variety of categories. Submit your short
: story or poems and you may receive one of 4 awards in each of the
: following categories:

Zines on the internet aren't zines. They are webpages. You foul pancreatic
drip.

:           Best Romance

His loins filled with fire as he saw her...delicate pink ears, chestnut
brown hair, lithe tail...she was the perfect monkey. He could only imagine
her primal screams at their joining...

:           Best Sci-Fi

...then an alien came from outer space. It was a Stranger in a Strange
Land facing a Brave New World. He sighed as the monkey escaped his
powerful lust and boarded a spaceship. But what was this? The alien
is beaming him up too! He would soon be joining his beloved in...

:           Best Horror and/or Mystery

torture and intrigue. His room was filled with psychotic rabid ghost dolls
that were all named Charlie. Meanwhile, on earth, a jaded old detective
opened a new file. Aliens were kidnapping ape rapists. Why? This was
his most intriguing case since...

:           Best Fan Fiction

the jealousy-fueled murder of Spock by Captain Kirk. Kirk just couldn't
stand that Spock had...

:           Best Action/Adventure

...saved the day from the Nazis and recovered the treasure meant for
Kirk's museum. Kirk had spent long days...

:           Best Western and/or Historical

...in the Badlands, winning respect for the badge in a one-horse town.
After his efforts, he took a seat in the Saloon and...

:           Best Humor/Satire

...did a little bit of soft-shoe and told a nasty joke about Bill
Clinton. Failing to excite the audience, he tried a little ditty:

:           Best Poetry

When I was young and had no sense
I stuck my dick to an electric fence
It curled my hair and tickled my balls
And made me shit in my overalls.

And they all lived happily ever after. THE END.

Subject: Re: Bridge/Bird
From: softsofa@... (softsofa)
Newsgroups: alt.brain.teasers

On Tue, 17 Feb 1998 03:41:12 GMT, theo@... (Theo J.) wrote:

>A truck weighing exactly 50,000 lbs starts to cross a 10 mile bridge
>that can only withstand a maximum of  50,000 lbs  or it breaks apart.
>Halfway across the bridge 2 birds land on the truck, each bird weighs
>.5 ounces and yet the bridge does not collapse. Why?
 

"I" quickly realized that fuel usage was too obvious to be the answer.
This left me with no other alternatives but those below:
 

Driver, worried about weight of truck, sweats away an ounce....

Trucks 18 tires wear one ounce away...

Sun goes down, reducing solar pressure on bridge by one ounce...

Bridge arched in middle, farther enough from center of earth for truck
to lose one ounce...

Truck's shape and speed produces aerodynamic effect that reduces truck
weight by one ounce...

Driver, seeing birds about to land, dives out of truck...

Truck is leaking (fuel, oil, anti-freeze, ice, compressed air,
information, or anything else weighing one ounce)...

Moon travels overhead, gravitational effects reduces truck weight a
total of one ounce...

Clown stowaway has been filling helium balloons in back...

The truck is troy, the bridge avoirdupois.

Paniced driver 'lets go' when he sees birds approach.  One ounce leaks
away under door...

Air friction heats air within truck, reducing weight just as if it
were a hot-air balloon.

The 2 birds, looking into each other's eyes, begin thrashing about.
Having at one another, flapping and screeching, produces a net truck
weight gain of zero.  We are, however, unable to tell if the birds
love or hate one another...

Subject: Re: Do Black Characters sell?
From: prestorjon@... (Prestorjon)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.dc.universe

<<Interestingly enough, both Sassette and Smurfette were created by Gargamel's
recipe as evil beings.
When they were evil they both had black hair, but when Pappa Smurf's magic
changed them to good, their hair changed color.  (and became more manageable,
too.)>>

But I think its pretty clear that Smurfette (I don't know about Sassette since
I'm ignorant of her origins) was created as an evil FEMALE to act in the role
of seductress and spread discord throughout the Smurf village.
    If anything the Smurfs can be looked at as being a thinly veiled pro-black
fable.  You've got the evil Whitey (Gargamel, who's huge in order to represent
the huge white society keeping the blackman down) always trying to eradicate
the peaceful village of darker skinned people (or trying to turn them into his
slaves!).
   OTOH the Smurfs can be looked at as being sexist.  You've got this
harmonious (and flagrantly homosexual) society ruled absolutely by a patriarch
who holds his position because he's the oldest MALE in the village.  The Smurfs
apparently reproduce asexualy thereby removing the need for women.  When a
woman finally DOES come into the smurf village she's evil and nearly brings
about their downfall.
    The Smurfs can also be looked at as supporting communism.  You've got a
peaceful utopian aggrarian society ruled absolutely by Papa Smurf and where
each person is defined specifically by his task in the village and where the
intelligentsia (Brainy Smurf) is bumbling and incompetent.  The economic system
is blatantly communistic with each Smurf doing what is needed of him and taking
only what goods he needs (ever notice how spartan the Smurf homes were?)

Subject: Re: telly prog
From: Simon Wilkinson <Drunk@...>
Newsgroups: uk.adverts.personals

John J Smith <J.J.Smith@...> writes

>Simon Wilkinson  <Drunk@...> wrote:
>>Primate <Cheeky_Monkey@...> writes
>>>Anyone know anything about premature ejaculation?
>>Mark...I wrote the book  (seriously)
>
>Were the pages stuck together?
>
>       Smid

No..i didn't get a chance to open it.

Subject: Re: Fun Food (was : Placenta-Flavored Pringles! )
From: "Kruge" <UZSYDF@...>
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless

Kazuo Fujii <kazu@...> schrieb...

> Cockroaches, are not so bad.  In South East Asia they are frequently
> eaten.  I tried them once in Thailand.  They were fried in a huge wok on
> the sidewalk (very little oil and no veggies) then sold as a tasty snack
> in a rolled up piece of newspaper in the form of a cone.  They were very
> crunchy and kind of tasted like nuts.  I could only eat a few of them,
> then gave the rest to some street urchin.  I have some good tales of the
> strange things I have eaten in other parts of the world - one must honor
> local hospitality and never turn down food which is offered, a major
> insult.

I wonder how often natives have offered things to tourists that they
would never ever touch themselves *just* to get a good laugh (live in
the jungle *can* be a bit boring without TV and stuff...).

Tourist: "And you people eat this?"
Native : "Hmmmm! Good! Good!"
Tourist [Takes a bite out of something hairy with way too much legs
to be eaten by humans and hardly manages to pretend he likes it]
"Hmmmm!" [turning pale, then green, then runs out of the door]
"BLAAAARGH!"
Native : "Heeeheeehee - Stupid idiot! Wife! take this stuff and put
it back to the other fishing baits!"

Subject: Re: Walkouts on Titanic?
From: "Paul J. Adams" <adams4@...>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.movies.current-films

Raj <raj@...> wrote in article <34ef7945.13534898@news.istar.ca>...
> Talking about walking out stories, I got a good one. I have this
> friend who gets terribly sick whenever she sees vast amounts of water.
> She was slightly nervious while waiting in line but I persuaded her to
> go in because i heard that Titanic was such a cool movie.
>
> Well, half way through the movie when the "i'm flying" scene showed
> up, she stormed out of a packed movie theatre screaming for her life.
> It was hilarious. I was forced to take her home after that eventhough
> I really wanted to check out the movie.

Yeah, I can really relate to your story. I have a friend who becomes oddly
disturbed whenever he sees movies which contain genital mutilation scenes.
But I convinced him to see _I Spit On Your Grave_ because I heard it was a
really good movie. Predictably enough, when it came to the bathtub
castration scene he ran out of the theater screaming.

Strangely enough, my girlfriend, who is a victim of a gang rape attack, was
also disturbed by this movie, and my other friend, a nerd with taped up
glasses who has difficulty attaining an erection whenever people watch him
during intercourse, could hardly sit still throughout the film.

How do you account for such sensitive people? I've had my head run over by
a motor-boat, but I didn't have any problem with this movie.

From: aclinton@... (Andy Clinton)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.current
Subject: Re: I need the lyrics to the Star Trek theme

smith@... (Smith) wrote:
> could someone please post the lyrics to the Star Trek theme?
>
> A. Smith E.

Sure, I'll give it a try:

Woo WOOOOOOOO Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo
Woo Woo WOOOOOOOOO Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo
Woo, Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo
WOOOOOOOO Woo Woo Woo
Woo Woo Woo Woo Woo WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Sorry to be a smart-ass, but I just couldn't help myself.  I know that
there are actualy lyrics, but I don't know them.  Anyway I hope this
helped.

Subject: Re: chinese symbol flash
From: josh burdette <obmf@...>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.bodyart

On 28 Feb 1998, Paul Dupont wrote:

> I know someone who wants to get "beef with broccoli" tattoed in chinese
> characters, to see if anyone really reads the stuff.

I have a friend who has "Kung Pao chicken, extra spicy, no vegetables" in
Chinese tattooed on his leg.  He orders his food by laying his leg up on
the counter.

Subject: Re: view
From: "Steven Slatin" <steven.slatin@...>
Newsgroups: alt.humor

"Steven Slatin" <steven.slatin@...> wrote:

Prescott Vandervoet wrote in message ...
>I can't view jpg's, mpegs, or anything else. All I get is a bunch of
giberish.
>Does anyone know how to fix it?

A good question, if a difficult one, and totally appropriate for
alt.humor.

There are several different ways of doing this, and they range from
extremely difficult through quite simple.

Here is the 'simplified' procedure.

Download the jpeg or mpeg to your hard disk.  Save it as a file with
the extention "txt" -- if you don't know how to do this, just save it,
open the file with any word processor and use the "Save As"
option to save it with some name followed by a period and the
letters "txt".

Now, presuming that you are probably using a "point and
shoot" type of word processor, highlight the entire text of the
file (put the cursor on the first character, hold the right mouse
button down, and drag to the last character, or, if you prefer,
start at the end and work back to the front).  Go to the font
selection box, and select the font "Zapf Dingbats", 8 points.

Print out the file.  Dot matrix printers with slightly dried out
cotton ribbons work best.

Paste the printouts together sequentially, to a flat vertical
surface, such as the wall of your living room.  Get a revolving
chair, place it 12-14 feet back from the wall, and sit down and
start spinning.

When you hit roughly 85 rpm on the chair, not only will
the jpeg file be visible, it will be in color!  (This is based on the
same technology that creates color television.)

Subject: Pope questions (was Who's Pete?)
From: buoy37@... (Robert William Vesterman)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.cecil-adams

On Wed, 18 Mar 1998 01:00:44 -0800, Rev Chuck <cdu.b@...>
wrote:

>Karol Wojytla has just been ordained Pope John Paul II, and he
<stuff deleted>

Who decides upon an incoming pope's name? Is it a requirement that his
name changes? Does the new name have to involve the names of saints?
Does the new pope have any say whatsoever? After he's become pope,
does whoever forced "John Paul II" on him have any way to stop him
from saying, "I'm the Pope, dammit, so up yours, I'm Pope Karol the
First"? In general, can a pope be depoped? If so, how? Has any pope
ever been depoped, or been seriously considered for depopification? If
so, why? If the current pope becomes sainted, is he going to be Saint
Karol or Saint John Paul or Saint John Paul II? What does his driver's
liscense (or other random ID) say? And so on.

If, through some freak accident, I somehow became pope, I think I
would try to see how far I could go without being depopified: "Bend
over, and prepare to receive the Holy Member!", "Non-tithing is
instant grounds for excommunication", "Odin loves you, my child", and
so on.

Subject: Re: Best Woman numbers juggler?
From: conway@... (Andrew Conway)
Newsgroups: rec.juggling

If memory serves me right, in article
<19980313035500.WAA10762@ladder03.news.aol.com>, AmmonBand
<ammonband@...> says...
> I'm just curious..what's the numbers record for women?

Most jugglers have difficulty managing more than one woman, and while
there have been cases of juggling two and even three it would hardly be
polite of me to give names.

Subject: Re: [R] Belief on the disc (No longer any spoilers)
From: nobeard@... (nobeard)
Newsgroups: alt.books.pratchett

On Mon, 09 Mar 1998 21:27:09 GMT, cybercat@... (Cybercat)
wrote:

Hi there!

>The big difference between footnotes in books and in the newsgroup is
>this:

Footnotes are a BAD thing! My teacher told me so right before an
important test, and then she made me wash my feet before I could see
the questions!

Subject: Re: Flat Butt
From: darla@...
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology

Michael R. Nosek wrote:

> "Button flys are a bitch when you're drunk." --Rhianna (rhianna@...)

Oh honey--- you don't know from bitch until you have tried, while absolutely
_faced_, to achieve perfect gynecological placement of a jellied-up diaphragm at 1
in the morning in the bathroom with one foot balanced on the edge of the tub, while
your boyfriend waits in the bedroom about 3/4 of an inch from Snore City.  _Man_
those suckers could ricochet.

Subject: Re: Xixixlezitzplixlepixelpretzelputz: Brain Death On Wheels
From: RickyC@... (Rick.C)
Newsgroups: alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk, alt.evil, alt.fan.dr.gilbert-sullivan

Angel says...

>He didn't really mean fro his disciples to actually eat him after he
>died.

Maybe they were tired of bread and fish, bread and fish. Every night it's bread and fish... Christ dies. They come back three days later and the body's gone.  

Subject: Re: Appropriate use of supernatural power (was Re: Key bending)
From: "Jason Mathews"
Newsgroups: alt.fan.cecil-adams, sci.skeptic

Karen L Lingel wrote...

>Great idea for a new thread. What are some appropriate uses of
>supernatural power? I myself would use the power to pop the tires
>of cars that do bone-headed traffic moves, like cut me off.
>
>I worked with a graduate student once who said he would use
>supernatural power to get his thesis advisor to approve his thesis.
>
>And of course there's winning the lotto and helping humankind (like
>Superman).

I've always wanted telekinesis. Nothing more, nothing less. With it,
I could move myself around, pick up hot objects, clean things out of
the kitchen sink drain, lift skirts, save gas, warm myself in the winter,
cool myself in the summer, maintain fusion reactions, change the
channel without a remote, type with my arms folded, stop bullets,
kill vermin, and, most importantly, induce a female orgasm at a
distance.

Subject: Re: Beastialities
From: "Hoyt"
Newsgroups: alt.fan.cecil-adams

jfw@... wrote in message <6ub540$lk9$1@news1.Radix.Net>...

>Speaking of bestiality, the King James Bible, Deuteronomy 27:21 is:
>
>"Cursed be he that lieth with any manner of beast. And all the people shall
> say, Amen."
>
>Does anyone know what 'beast' was in the original Hebrew text? I am
>wondering if it was a translation of the word for 'oxen'.

In the original language it meant "intern".

Subject: Re: Greek sculpture.
From: Klaus Ole Kristiansen
Newsgroups: alt.fan.cecil-adams

kewsquared@... (KewSquared) writes:
>How come most of the Greek sculptures have no arms?

The Journal of Irreproducible Results puplished a study
on this some years ago. The conclusion was that the arms
were stolen by Indians (Indian Indians form India). Note
that many Indian statues have more than two arms.

Subject: Re: Most Offensive Ad Campaigns
From: "J. Michael Looney"
Newsgroups: alt.fan.cecil-adams

> Ahh.... sweet music to my Ears! I don't mind the occasional curse word, taunt,
> and/or abrasive use of intellect. However, I do wish that more people would
> realize that it is not nessary to use the word Fuck as a noun, verb,
> adjecitive, and adverb. I believe that one must vary their vocabulary, and
> there are at least 6 other curse words in the English language that can be
> substituted on occasion for the fabled "Fuck"

Back in my US Army days I actually heard someone (my Plt. Sgt IIRC)
use fuck in all parts of speach in the same sentence:

Fuck! The fucking fuckers fucking fucked! Fuck!

What he meant by this is: Darn, The M60 7.62mm machine gun is badly
broken. I am not pleased.

Subject: Re: Parking Space Hogs (Re: Saturn's not targeting me!)
From: Craig Welch
Newsgroups: alt.fan.cecil-adams, alt.folklore.urban

mpage@... (Madeleine Page) wrote:
>Tell you what. I think Mr Etter believes we all memorise his posts. Or
>maybe that we print them out and stick them on our fridges, like doting
>parents.

I have doting parents, but I certainly wouldn't stick them on the fridge.

Subject: Re: Paul's music for Matt Dillon
From: "David B. Feland"
Newsgroups: alt.fan.letterman

ArnieS wrote in message <35ACC090.CA5FBE2E@prodigy.net>...
>Yeah I
>caught it
>and was
>disappointed
>I didn't
>see Miss
>Kitty. I
>wondered
>how Matt
>felt about
>being
>associated
>with a
>shit
>kicking
>oater that
>died
>before he
>was born.
>--
>...Arnie
>in the
>Hudson
>Valley
>town of
>Hurley,
>NY.

I didn't know you could do e-mail on a Gameboy...

Subject: Re: Clueless people
From: stevenss@...
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers

In article <6sh7l7$1je@news.inforamp.net>, markjr@... (Stunt Pope) wrote:
> In article <46140E02B7844075.FEEEE8448F307CF7.955D771ADF877D94@library-proxy.airnews.net>,
> null@... (Fred Wedemeier) writes:
> >
> > So I'd guess you've had Internet connectivity about 5 years? Long
> > before that, the .edu crowd bitched about the new .com crowd. The .com's
> > bitched about the .nets. The .nets bitched about the .aols (Admittedly
> > the cluelessness ramped up and the overall civility ramped down with
> > that iteration). Now the .aols complain about the .webtvs.
> >
> > And what will the .webtvs complain about?

All the big words with more than five characters? :-)

Subject: Re: cat smothering baby
From: het3@... (Harry MF Teasley)
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban

Ken Bass (kbass@...) wrote:
> I have a wife who is 8 months pregnant and a cat.

Man, they sure have liberal marriage laws where you live.

Subject: Re: Of government supply depots, or: How I accidentally ordered a helicopter
From: Glen Quarnstrom
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban

>mitcho wrote:
>
> >Mike Painter wrote:
> >>
> >> A bit off topic but I had a friend who was a doctor when we were in the
> >> stupid Army.
> >
> >My god, the stupid have their own army now?

It's called "WebTV."

Subject: Re: Teenage Mutant ninja Turtles!!
From: Ray Depew
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban

Stupid Mutt wrote:
> Ray, what do you have against me??? Just because you hate my story, doesn't
> mean others like it.

Exactly.

Subject: Re: The Big Book of Cabaala
From: derek@... (Derek Tearne)
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban

jajohn@... wrote:
>Nick VanAmstel wrote:
>> >[nothing much]
> >Gram for gram, termites (*Macrotermes subhyalinus*) have more calcium,
>phosphorus, iron, and riboflavin than beef, chicken, pork or fish. They're a
>little lower in protein, but higher in energy (613 kcal/100 g).

And they taste much nicer when coated in chocolate than any of those other
foods.

Subject: Language Lessons
From: "Pariahic"
Newsgroups: alt.gothic

My Sister's kid said his first word today.

Cthulhu.

Those hours of training really paid off. She wants to kill me now.

Oh, and I've also taught him how to untie people's shoes while he's playing
at their feet.

I love being an uncle.

Subject: Re: Sleep Deprivation
From: cwrogers@...
Newsgroups: alt.gothic

On Fri, 31 Jul 1998 16:41:38 -0400, Marcus Pan wrote:
>Did you ever face slap happiness? I mean that time when you've passed
>the threshold of 24 hours straight awake and suddenly start blathering
>all over the place

As a recently ex-nightshift worker of three years and chronic insomniac
with a body clock manufactured in Taiwan, I can say, wholeheartedly
'Yes', and at least three times a week. I remember once my flatmate woke
up to find me standing above him, wide-eyed and giggling
"Heeheeheeheeheehee! I haven't slept since Thursday!" And the number
of times he's walked out his room at 7am, to find me sitting here typing -
just as I was when he went to bed 8 hours earlier - I can't recall.

But this is usually when my mouth engages, I'm sharing a few things with
him, then I realise he's quiet, look over, and he's just staring at me with
his cereal in his hand.

The last night job I had was working the graveyards at a 24 hour video
store. One night I was soooo rooted, and the store so empty, I was
raving to keep myself awake. "IIIIIII'MM SOFUCKING
*TIIIIIRED*, IIIIIIIIIII JUST WANNA *DIE!!* HUP! HEY!" Start
bouncing around in circles. "I'M AWAKE! NO PROBLEM! I'M
CAM THE HAPPY RABBIT! WOOHOO!"

"Do you have 'Forrest Gump'?"

"Whoops!"

Subject: Re: Penis extender needed!
From: cpw@... (cpw)
Newsgroups: alt.irc

On Fri, 05 Jun 1998 01:19:41 GMT, yoonicks@... wrote:
>Hi, I have a short penis. I want to compensate on it's shortness, by doing
>something malicious to someone who did nothing to me! But I'm just a little
>lamer! Help! Someone else with a short penis, help me, why make it bigger, if
>we can just compensate for it!

I'm sorry to hear about your tender situation. Unfortunately, this ailment is
suffered by a vast majority of the lamer type people on IRC. The only way
for you to compensate for your inadequacies is to nuke other people. You
can see instructions for this (posted by me) in the related string "anyone have
a good nuke?" in this newsgroup. You may also want to make sure that your
computer is prepared for nuking by putting some high-powered magnets
into your disk drives. Make sure you open up the case and pass them
around the entire hard drive as well. The magnets will pick up any erroneous
magnetism clinging to various parts of your computer, making your abuse
more effective (less resistance for the packets leaving your computer). In
addition, turn on your computer and check the connections of all your cards,
etc. While you're at it, rotate your CPU 1/4 turn -- keep track of what
direction you turn it so that you can keep even wear on it in the future
(much like rotating your tires).

I hope this helps!