Gandalf wrote:
> > Edwin (edwin@...) wrote:
> : Stephen Quinney (steve@...) wrote:
>: : Edwin writes (edwin@...):
> :> Scissors.
> : Paper.
> : Oh damn, i just lost, ok my turn
> : Stone
> Stone. Draw. Go again?
> Paper.
> Axe :P
Big stone. (Big stone blunts axe).
> > > Pile of earth (pile of earth buries stone)
> >
> > Giant mole.
>
> Generator of lots of high-pitched noise (scares away mole)

Silly boy. Thermonuclear device (eradicates all players. Except me. Obviously.)

Subject: Re: 'Crispy' M&Ms Seem a WHOLE LOT More Colorful
From: edgewood+news@... (Ed Blackman)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.cecil-adams

statement of responsibility wrote:
>On Fri, 5 Feb 1999, dan wrote:
> >> I like to line them up in columns by color. Makes a bar graph.
>
> So, have you been diagnosed with OCD yet?

That's not obsessive-compulsive. OC would be sorting them for size within the column.

Subject: Re: more on Uncle Roy ATTN: Raven
From: xyzzy54321@...
Newsgroups: alt.fan.spinnwebe

And the scary part about all this, is that the misunderstanding would have been averted by the simple use of ... ... an emoticon! for example:

>> Just because you're a new editor of DFC - it doesn't necessarily mean
>> everybody else is wrong ;)

would have been pretty obviously a good-natured joke... Other useful emoticons you can add to your usenet arsenal:

:)~ I only drool a little
8> I have all the cognitive powers of a hypnotized chicken
x--:o Heck, no! I am a heterosexual Teletubbie. You want the one with the triangle on his head.

Subject: Re: New Starwars movie!!!!!!!
From: Sergey Bukhman
Newsgroups: alt.fan.tom-servo, alt.fan.bam, rec.arts.movies.current-films, rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5, alt.tv.prisoner

Blackhawk wrote:
> > In article <370611b6.18394087@news-f.std.com>, Captain Infinity wrote:
> > > Paul G. Barnes wrote:
> > >WWS wrote in message <37010217.D7A65B9A@tyler.net>...
> > >>Cronan wrote:
> > >>> Your Name wrote
> > >>> >I just read that George Lucas is filmeing a New Starwars movie!!!!!!!
> > >>> >
> > >>> >I am so excited, I heard that it is supposed to take place BEFORE Luke
> > >>> >Skywalker was born. That is so Awesome. It's supposed to come out in
> > >>> >the fall of this year the article said. Kenneth Branagh is playing Obi-wan
> > >>> >Kenobi and Keanu Reeves is supposed to be a young Darth Vader (aka
> > >>> >Annakin Skywalker). I hope that it has cool special effects!!!!!11!!!
> > >>> >
> > >>> >The article went on to say that George Lucas WOULD make the the next two
> > >>> >films TOO!!!!!!! Supposedly Episode 2 and 3. I hope this is true. You'd
> > >>> >think they would have had previews or something already but anyways, I'm
> > >>> >still excited.
> > >>> >
> > >>> >Bye All,
> > >>> >Jeffery
> > >>>
> > >>> Everybody wave at Jeffery!
> > >>
> > >>On the downside Jeffrey, I've heard that DS9 is going to kill
> > >>off Jadzia Dax.
> > >
> > >But the good news is that Babylon 5 going to replace Micheal O'Hare with
> > >that guy from How The west Was Won (the TV show) - whatshisname - The
> > >Scarecrow. Anyway, how do you suppose this will effect the arc. I guess
> > >we'll have to wait 5 years and find out...
> >
> > Even more good news for Sci-Fi fans; a friend just told me that the final
> > two episodes of "The Prisoner" are going to explain the whole series!
>
> Well, here is some rather sad news, I just heard that Gene Roddenberry died.
>
> ***
> Blackhawk
> I guess they'll never bring back Star Trek now. :(

What's Star Trek?

Subject: Re: Teas
From: "Sos"
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.herbs

Lisa Scholze wrote in message <7b70pm$ipo@informer1.cis.McMaster.CA>...
>Hello,
>I am writing for my pro gardner Aunt, and she would like to know :
> Garden Herbs for homemade teas to help:
> ---digestion
> ---heart
> ---prostrate
>As well, she is interested in the herb Gingko Biloba and if a person is able
>to make tea directly from fresh leaves picked from trees..

Your aunt will need more than herbs to help with her prostrate problem.

Subject: Re: Black smoke
From: johnharvey@... (John Harvey)
Newsgroups: aus.cars

On Sun, 21 Mar 1999 22:04:54 +0800, "Low YJ" wrote:
>Why most of the cars produce black smoke?

You need to remove tyres before igniting car!

Subject: Re: WORST THEATER EXPERIENCE
From: dnusair@... (David Nusair)
Newsgroups: alt.cult-movies

Trent (tlucier@...) wrote:
> THE GAME: I'm waiting in line to see this movie, and the guy in front of
> me starts talking to me. He looks a lot like Tom Sizemore from Natural
> Born Killers. He supposedly says he is this big music guy down in
> Florida and stuff. He's telling me he's met Gloria Estafan and Jimmy
> Page. So, I buy my ticket and quickyl walk into the theater. I try to
> sit somewhere out of the way, so he doesn't find me. But he does, and
> sits right next to me! He goes,"Why didn't you get anything to eat?"
> I gave some excuse like, "I didn't have any money." A little later, he
> goes, "I gotta go to the bathroom." He gives me his $100+ CD-walkman to
> hold onto while he goes to the bathroom! And when he comes back, he
> gives me a large popcorn and a large coke! I was kind of freaked out,
> but I thanked the guy and tried to pay him. He wouldn't accept it.
> When the movie was over, he walked out of the theater real fast and I
> haven't seen him since. Odd, huh?

Hmmm... Something a little suspicious about that. Was there "butter" on the popcorn?

Subject: Re: another webtv rant
From: tarl@... (Tarl Cabot)
Newsgroups: alt.pizza.delivery.drivers

On 23 Oct 1997 20:04:36 GMT, dgriffi@... (David Griffith) wrote:
>I've yet to see anything resembling intelligence from webtv. I'll very
>seriously consider killfiling ALL posts from webtv.
>
>-- >David Griffith

Top Ten Reasons To Buy A Webtv

10) Didn't want to bother with anything productive like a computer.
9) No bothersome upgrading, just throw it away and buy another.
8) Put it with the Nintendo and CD player and have a multimedia machine.
7) Something to do while the Mac is in the shop.
6) Two words - "Babe Magnet"
5) Internet? I thought it got the Spiderman channel!
4) Enjoy the god-like status the internet accords me.
3) Needed something to put my pet rock on.
2) Wanted to get in on the "Fast Cash" deal.
1) AOL is just too darn complicated!

Subject: Re: What IS webtv?
From: houghihoughi@... (houghi)
Newsgroups: alt.pizza.delivery.drivers

On Thu, 23 Oct 1997 14:57:57 -0700, "Brian J. Preston" wrote:
>What is webtv anyway??

It is a device set up specially to test the propper working of your killfile. Mine just works great.

Subject: ba da boom ba da bing
From: Room 101
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology

At COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 mi/gal."

Recently, General Motors addressed that comment by releasing the statement, "Yes, but what good would the car be if it crashed twice a day?"

Subject: Re: HE WILL PAY!!!
From: =ABBunny=BB@... (What's Up Doc?)
Newsgroups: alt.revenge

doug mctaggart wrote:
>I want to make my brother pay i need suggestions trust me you will have
>fun with this!
>facts: he is 13 he has been smoking cigars in the house and selling pot
>also he is letting a friend over when he shouldnt he has been watching
>porn and i hate him...if you can find a way to EXPLOIT these facts or
>just a good revenge idea then fire away!

Hmm. Get off the puter and put your brother on. We like him better.

Subject: Re: How can I trash Win95 on a certain date?
From: «Bunny»@... (What's Up Doc?)
Newsgroups: alt.revenge

wonko@the.asylum.com (Lord Wonko, The Sane) wrote:
>William Exley wrote:
>>How can I write a simple batch file to place in the autoexec to
>>trash her computer contents after a certain date.
> >I thought Win95 did that by itself....

Malicious lies meant to undermine Win95 and Bill Gates; in truth, someone has to turn the computer on first.

Subject: Re: Stop posting binaries to this NG, AOL asshole, or I'm gonna kick you in the nnnuts!
From: angeldye@... (AngelDye)
Newsgroups: alt.tv.southpark

and besides.. we here on AOL can't post into newsgroups. if we can i sure in the shit don't know about it....

Subject: Re: Swayed by this ng I bought a DVD player!!
From: naughton@... (Thomas M. Naughton)
Newsgroups: alt.video.dvd

DMD wrote:
>I wasn't going to buy a player because of all the confusion (ie. divx,
>dts,..), but because of the cohesion and enthusiasm of this newsgroup

You might want to stay away from alt.sex.anal.fisting.

Subject: Re: Windows 95 = MacDonalds...yum,yum!
From: postmaster@[127.0.0.1] (Michael J. Stango)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.mac.system

nospam@nospam.nospam (Don) wrote:
>I want to wish everyone a happy holiday season. I also wanted to wish Bill
>Gates lots of luck in his upcomming trials...he'll need it. Hey, maybe he
>should buy into the McDonald's franchise?
>
>Hehehe...

Oh, God no! If he did that:

1) Super Size 'upgrades' would be mandatory, if customers wanted to actually use the food to its fullest potential.
2) We'd all have to buy new cars to use the McMicrosoft Drive-Thru.
3) Upon hearing about a new burger about to be launched by Netscape King, McMicrosoft would 'preannounce' *their* new burger, even though its secret sauce is still in alpha.
4) They'd steal recipes from Apple's employee cafeteria!
5) Once a customer eats McMicrosoft food, trying to remove all traces of it from the digestive tract proves impossible.

Subject: Re: MP2100: What a #%@# Joke!
From: pcm@... (P Murray)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.newton.misc

Andy Young (ayoung@...) wrote:
: Troll.

Hey!!! I resent that!! By the way, did you know Apple is dead, Intel and MS have the greatest technologies ever invented, C++ is the best language in the world, Java is crap, WinCE kicks arse, christians suck, Bill Gates and Steve Jobs are two of the nicest fellows in the business, we should have compulsory euthanasia for anyone over 70 and for Cobol programmers, ... and let me tell you about a way to *make money fast*!!!

Subject: Re: Which is suppose to be 'better'?
From: peterl@... (Peter Lemmond)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.sun.admin, comp.sys.sun.hardware, comp.sys.sun.misc

"JAB" writes:
>Hi -
> I was just sitting around with my friends and we were discusing which workstations
>are 'better'
>
>The Sparc II or Sparc LX?

The Sparc 2 is a better boat-anchor, the LX is a better door-stop.

Subject: Re: Question
From: Uncle Al
Newsgroups: news.newusers.questions

On Sun, 24 Aug 1997 23:06:35 GMT, in news.newusers.questions Uncle Al wrote:
> Shmulik Lieberman wrote:
>
> If you were faced with Him
> In all His glory
> What would you ask
> If you had just one question ?

"Why are the individuals who push Your agenda such flaming assholes?"

Subject: Re: most fit vs. best adapted
From: scharle@... (Thomas Scharle)
Newsgroups: talk.origins

George & Martha Ann (gpatton@...) wrote: ...
: David, it is evident that you know about vampires. I know, when I read
: your post, that I am learning from one who has done his homework and
: knows his subject.
: All my life I have wanted to meet one who knows everything about
: vampires, now is my chance to find the answer to the question that has
: bothtered me for years.
:
: David: Do vampires flatulate?

This reminds me of a story about Groucho Marx. He was introduced to a seance of some sort, and he was told that any question that he had would be answered. He asked, "What is the capital of North Dakota?"

Subject: Re: How to post usenet articles?
From: Chris Horry
Newsgroups: alt.irc.questions

On 19 Oct 1997 jdoe@... wrote:
> Hi All
> Does anyone know how to post usenet articles?
> John

John, You just posted a usenet article asking how to post a usenet article. Go and have a lie down. You feel better for it.

Subject: Re: What are your top 5 artists you collect?
From: Kevin Chang <*SPAMBLOCK*kevinlchang@...>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.dc.universe, rec.arts.comics.marvel.universe, rec.arts.comics.misc, rec.arts.comics.marvel.xbooks

I don't collect artists. It's too hard to fit them into those damn mylar bags.

Subject: Re: Euro worth 66.6p
From: Simon Morris
Newsgroups: cam.misc

Chris Stokes wrote:
> In article <7dekpk$7hs$1@news7.svr.pol.co.uk>,
> "Simon Lane" wrote:
> > I have just heard on the R4 midnight news that the Euro is now worth 66.6p.
> > Queue hoards of Eurosceptics quoting The Book of Revelation at us ...
>
> You think this is funny? If a certain in-law of mine finds out (and I shan't
> be telling him, that's for sure), it'll be one more sign that we're on the
> verge of the End Times. There's some section in Daniel or Revelation that
> refers to something involving the number ten and it got associated some years
> ago by loony christians who read bits of the bible like others read
> Nostradamus with the EEC when it had ten members.
>
> I forget the details but ISTR the idea was that the antichrist would emerge
> from this ten-strong thingy. These people can be very flexible when it comes
> to interpreting stuff like this and the fact that there are now fifteen
> members and more expected soon doesn't put them off altogether. If I tell my
> in-law about the 66.6p, he'll send me a pile of new books on the subject and
> write a letter to the European proposing that Romano Prodi's scalp be closely
> examined.

I'd be very relieved if it turned out that the Apocalypse was to be implemented by the EU. There would be fourteen seals and forty horsemen, and it would be twice as spectacular and four times as expensive as in the Bible, but it wouldn't actually happen for another thousand years.

Subject: Re: The best editor?
From: korpela@... (Eric J. Korpela)
Newsgroups: comp.editors, comp.lang.asm.x86

In article <7ddi50$oh1$1@winter.news.rcn.net>, Paul Hsieh wrote:
> Actually, I hit this crisis about two years ago. I go so frustrated
> that I deleted all my editors vowing to write a better one myself.

That must have made it difficult to enter the source code.

Subject: Re: Who's better for America, Gates or Linus?
From: David Kastrup
Newsgroups: comp.os.ms-windows.nt.advocacy, comp.os.linux.advocacy, gnu.misc.discuss

joeto@... (Joseph Totleben) writes:
>> I don't know if you would call him rich, but according to the movie
>> Mozart was well rewarded for his efforts.
> He may have been, but he did end up dying peniless.

I knew that he more or less sold off his life by dying of the mental and physical effects of overwork. I was not aware, however, that he sold off his private parts before this. Who would have been the recipient?

Subject: Re: How am I supposed to opt-in to *anything* when I don't know it exists?
From: clewis@... (Chris Lewis)
Newsgroups: news.admin.net-abuse.email

According to Jeffery J. Leader:
> Because of USENET and web pages, I think that such contacts will often
> need to be initiated by e-mail. Many people I "know" here are people
> I couldn't contact in RL if I needed to, short of a subpoena. (I
> mean, who here thinks that "Chris Lewis" is the name of a real person?)

Do I count?

Subject: Re: Philosophy (to lighten the mood...) was Re: TRAFFIC FINES
From: Parrot
Newsgroups: qut.cs.info

On Mon, 22 Mar 1999, *Scorcha* wrote:
> On Thu, 18 Mar 1999, BRUCE HENDERSON wrote:
> > If you can't be good ,
> > Be good at it!
> If you can't be good, be safe. And if you can't be safe, buy a pram.

If you can't afford a pram, you can always sell your baby on the black market for $50 000. Of course, then you wouldn't need the pram, but who needs a baby getting in the way of your fun when you've got fifty grand to spend ?

Subject: Re: Xena
From: Goebbels
Newsgroups: qut.cs.info

On Wed, 31 Mar 1999, JAMES WARWICK wrote:
> Hera was one bad mother... she killed quite a lot... and she musnt have
> been that good in the sack if zeus had to go out to MORTAL woman to get
> some action...

Well, I heard that Hera was actually a damn good lay but as the eons passed, that honeymoon shine they had in the first few millenia of their marriage started to wear off. Oh they tried sex toys and the like (Zeus even figured out a few moves with his lightning bolts) but the everyday grind of being all-powerful deities took its toll on their libidoes.

They did enjoy a brief resurgence in their sex lives when Zeus started turning into different animals in the middle of the act. Of course, when Zeus decided to impress Hera with his "horny" rhinocerous act, he didn't quite take into acount the logistics of it all. Hera was never the same.

Subject: Re: I can't read Peter David comics to my children!
From: "Matthew Herper "remove-me.edu"
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.dc.universe

Tom Galloway wrote:
> Just in case Peter didn't realize it, the first was written by one OMAR,
> an even more notorious troll than Jim Jackson (although it wouldn't surprise
> me a bit to find out they were the same person. No evidence for it, but
> it'd at least drop the number of such trash down one).

Didn't Ty Templeton once post something to the effect that Trolls are really one single organism anyway? Like a giant piece of shit that can post to usenet? I kind of like this idea -- think of them all as one really big supervillain that is used for comic relief.

Subject: Re: Cities in SF (was Re: Cherryh claustrophobic)
From: David Navarro
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written

Joe wrote:
> My nomination for the worst fantasy map ever would still be the one in
> the Sword of Shanara which had four major rivers (with no tributaries
> as I recall - it has been years and i do not own a copy) draining a
> into a lage with no exit in a temperate climate, wonderful.

Anybody liked _The Sword of Shannara_? I couldn't get past page 100 or so (not including *that* map ;)... I found the turbine-like noise of J. R. R. Tolkien spinning in his grave most distracting.

Subject: Re: DEEPNESS on the way...
From: Sea Wasp
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written

Lawrence Watt-Evans wrote:
> On Wed, 10 Mar 99 10:23:08 GMT, Jo@... (Jo Walton)
> wrote:
> >I asked a local friend about this yesterday. She spent a week in Spain
> >last summer, otherwise she hasn't been out of Swansea for two years.
>
> And of course, one thing that boggles a lot of Americans is how easily
> you folks cross national borders. Most USAns never set foot outside
> the U.S.

That's because in Europe you could theoretically hit five or more countries in one day of driving. In the USA, you couldn't hit more than two, and THAT would be if you were living in the right areas. Start out in the middle of Kansas, and you CANNOT GET TO ANOTHER COUNTRY in one day of driving.

Besides, anyone who's lived here knows that COUNTRIES aren't a big deal. New Jersey, for instance, is an alien DIMENSION. And we don't even KNOW what Washington DC is.

Subject: Re: A Sad End (was Re: The Sixth Sense-No Spoilers
From: Jean
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc, alt.tv.mst3k, alt.fan.mst3k

Michael Clear wrote:
> I'd ask you to marry me, jean but that's not good enough. Instead, I'd like
> to have your baby.

Well, I'm not quite done with him yet. But as soon as he's ready for college, I'll send him on over.

Subject: Re: Aaaarrrrggghhhh!!!!
From: David Marshall
Newsgroups: dur.general, alt.dur.general

In a post, Tag wrote:
> Jon, I have to break it to you some time, but there is a group of people
> who fancy women, and who are not, in fact, lesbians. They're called
> _straight men_, and are nothing to be afraid of...

I've heard of this group - these "straight men" as you call them, yet am actually yet to meet any. Many *say* they're "straight" but put some alcohol in one end and it's amazing what they'll let you stick in the other.

Subject: Re: mexico
From: roberto_montesi@...
Newsgroups: alt.food.mexican-cooking

In article <0a288596.4d016db6@usw-ex0108-060.remarq.com>, edgefever wrote:
> If anyone Knows anything about Mexico please email me!!
> I'm doing a Geography project and I could use some
> help!!!!!!!!!

Glad to help - Mexico, also known as Colombia, is the largest country in Europe. Its inhabitants, mostly descendants of Swedish inmigrants which arrived in the 9th century, speak Spanish (a combination of old Urdu and Farsi languages). The country borders India to the north, Argentina to the south, the Adriatic Ocean on the east, and the Persian Gulf to the west.

The main products of Mexico are coffee in the northern part of the country and tea in the southwest. So, it is no surprise that the typical foods always include at least one of these ingredients. The national dish is "Tortilla de Cafe con Te", a delicious melange of flavors and colors. It is tradional to have this dish with a glass of the national drink, Gatorada, from which our Gatorade comes from.

The main cities of Mexico are El Paso, the capital city, and the industrial city of Merida in the northwest which is the largest producer of industrial strenght diamonds in the world. The citizens of Mexico are always happy to welcome visitors from other countries with the traditional Old Spanish greeting of "Umghawa!!!".

Hope this helps.
--
Roberto "Umghawa to you" Montesi

Subject: Re: THE PATRIOT, starring Mel Gibson
From: "Mike Smith"
Newsgroups: alt.music.rush

Matt Gullam wrote in message:
LIBERATOR wrote from the confines of his padded cell:
> > *A pile of dribbling, slavering goo*
> Well, I didn't really believe it at first, But Mike Smith is completely
> correct about you.

Well, thanks, but it's kind of like being correct about an impending nuclear disaster, or the eventual heat death of the universe; you kind of wish you were actually *wrong*...

Subject: Re: OT: where's your cool sig quote from Debbie Maizels?
From: bogus@... (bogus address)
Newsgroups: uk.comp.sys.mac

Debbie Maizels wrote:
> ObMac: Cats' paw pads are just as good as activating a trackpad as a
> human fingertip,
> ObMac2: An open Powerbook *is* able to survive the weight of a 6-month
> old cat crash-landing on its keyboard from a height of 5 feet

Also: a 6-month-old cat is capable of hitting the power button on a Stylewriter with a standing jump in the dark from floor level to a desk, and repeating the action twice a night for 2 weeks.

Subject: Re: A question of etiquette.
From: bearpaw@... (bearpaw)
Newsgroups: alt.polyamory

rlpowell@... (Robin Lee Powell) writes:
>
>piranha@pobox.com wrote:
>> and i'm not into playing dicksizewars over whether a phd is a
>> bigger deal than childbirth. speaking of noble things --
>> dicksizewars definitely aren't.
>
>*inside joke* But _MY_ penis is a foot and a half long! */inside joke*

Seems like having a foot-and-a-half long penis would usually be an only-partly-inside joke, at best.

Subject: Re: Question about the death of Jedi Knights (Spoilers)
From: zuben@... (Zuben)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.movies

>> Mpoconnor7 wrote:
>>
>> > In Episode 4, when Obi Wan died in the light-saber duel; his body
>> > dematerialized.  The same happened to Yoda when he died in Ep. 6.
>> > However, when Vader/Anakin died in Ep. 6; he didn't disappear.
>When Qui-Gon
>> > died in Ep. 1, he didn't disintigrate either.
>> > Am I missing something?
>>

Maybe the ones who do not dissolve had signed organ doner cards,
precluding such an ethereal embodiment.

Subject: alt.venerable.Shel-Silverstein.died.died.died
From: Ranjit Bhatnagar <ranjit@...>
Newsgroups: alt.adjective.noun.verb.verb.verb, alt.religion.kibology,
 talk.bizarre

alt.deceased.Shel-Silverstein.lament.lament.lament
alt.Shel's.poetry.translate.honor.memorialize:

  Alt.Paved.Sidewalk.Ends.Ends.Ends

  alt.paved.sidewalk.ends.ends.ends
  alt.before.street.begins.begins.begins
  alt.soft.grass.grows.grows.grows
  alt.crimson.sun.shines.warms.glows
  alt.lunar.bird.flies.rests.crows
  alt.peppermint.wind.cools.soothes.blows

  alt.smoky.place.suggest.leave.go
  alt.dark.street.winds.winds.bends
  alt.asphalt.flowers.grow.grow.grow
  alt.measured.walk.depart.walk.slow
  alt.chalky.arrows.watch.track.follow
  alt.paved.sidewalk.ends.ends.ends

  alt.measured.walk.agree.walk.slow
  alt.chalky.arrows.watch.track.follow
  alt.childish.children.mark.guide.know
  alt.paved.sidewalk.ends.ends.ends

Jim Evans <jevans@...> wrote:

>Jeez, with rational, objective thinking like that, you're going to spoil
>all the fun in MS-bashing and OS holy wars. Next thing you know someone'll
>say that people should just use whatever system they're comfortable with,
>and then where'll we be? For God's sake, man, this is Usenet!
>

Microsoft gave my dog mange.

Is that better?

Subject: Re: Anyone in Tampa Bay Area??
From: muddyraz@... (Raz)
Newsgroups: alt.tv.red-dwarf

I saw DLister169 write:

> I was in Florida once and misread two signs. One was on I-75 for Bearss. I
> thought it said Bearass. The second was for Tarpon Springs, which, obviously, I
> thought said Tampon Springs.

Wow, who makes those ones? All the ones I've seen come on *strings*!

Subject: Re: [E] Names. and hello from a newbie/lurker
From: Gort <greg@...>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.eddings

Stepping off the ramp for a moment, Gort heard the following
transmission from aquarius@kryogenix.albatross.co.uk (Aquarius) :

>I can't see anyone attempting to overthrow their *own* God, no.

Although, given the Alorn fondness for booze, it is entirely possible
that one or more of them could have thrown up over their own God.

"Hey Belar, yer me besh god, no really. I love you holiness, mate. Did
I ever tell yer tha'?"  <blooaarrgh>

Subject: Re: Important news! (oh lookie, another new thread)
From: Ian Davis <Ian.Davis@...>
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d

Jim Menard wrote:
> [WARNING: ABSOLUTELY NO USEFUL CONTENT.]

Superfluous warning in this froup.

> Wow! I bow humbly before you [1]. Assuming you mean computer languages,
> here's what I've used, in no particular order:

[deleted]

That's nothing.  Here's some of the language I've used with computers:

Profanity (by far the most frequently used).
Sarcasm.
Satire.
Pathos.
Pleading.
Melancholy.
Frustration.
Body.

Ian (a name, not a language).

Subject: Re: Science Fiction Cliches (3/4): Overused Events and Plot Devices
From: Ray Radlein <ray@...>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written, rec.arts.sf.tv, rec.arts.sf.movies,
 rec.arts.sf.composition

James Nicoll wrote:
>
> Maureen McHugh <mcq@...> wrote:
> >The way that, if the character has one particular esoteric skill,
> >say boomerang throwing, the resolution of the plot will involve a
> >boomerang.  In fantasy, if the apprentice learns one spell, that
> >spell turns out to be the one spell that defeats the evil overlord.
>
>         If one has a single esoteric skill, wouldn't one attempt to
> use it whever applicable?

I can put both feet behind my neck at the same time.
 

Fear me.

Subject: Re: Am I online?
From: Ian Jennings <ij@...>
Newsgroups: alt.comp.lang.borland-delphi

Ilja Skonnikov wrote:

> Please help!
> How can I know, if I am online?
> Please help!
>
> Ilja.

Your telephone bill goes up a *lot*. :)

HTH

Subject: Re: Sir Clive Sinclair and Linux
From: jed@... (Neil Jedrzejewski)
Newsgroups: uk.comp.os.linux

On Wed, 26 May 1999 00:46:54 +0100, Mark Evans
<mark@...> wrote:

>Barry O'Neill <barry@...> wrote:
>> In article <37492D8E.B87773BA@my.sig>, look@my.sig says...
>>> Richard Corfield wrote:
>>>
>>> > Windows Word for CE could do as much in 4Meg as Acorn DTP did on the Arc!
>>>
>>> I think WinCE was such an imaginative name for a product that was
>>> guaranteed to make you wince 8-)
>
>> I'm still waiting for the Windows Advanced Networking Kit...
>
>With the abreviation being a good description, with
>MS (being American) unlikely to notice...

Can't be as bad as the Wam!net service we use for ISDN. I can't
believe their called the point servers NADS.....

The command  GO NADS is even worse...

Subject: Re: McBurgette
From: David Nutter <David.Nutter@...>
Newsgroups: alt.dur.general, dur.general

"Rich Warner" <richard.warner@...> writes:

> David Nutter wrote in message ...
> >Yes, all of the above at various times though not usually together. I
> >have never been accused of cooking a bad steak/burger, however, which
> >is quite enough for me.
>
> That's because the people who ate it died....

Those are completely unfounded accusations and have never been proven;
I hid the bodies far too well[1].

Regards,

-david

[1] Inside the next batch of burgers, mwhahaa

Subject: Re: Friday humor
From: "Jack Gavin" <jackgavinSPAMLESS@...>
Newsgroups: alt.usage.english

Mimi Kahn wrote in message <375616c2.4309122@news.mindspring.com>...
>On 30 May 1999 00:38:45 +1000, rmottare@... (Raymot) wrote:
>
>>In article <374F896B.8E4B51AB@home.com>, larryp1@... says...
>>>
>>>Polar wrote:
>>>
>>>> I read somewhere that to really  spook 'em, one should  stand
>>>> *facing the back*!!
>>>
>>>Or a rear corner. I do it once in a while.
>>
>>I've heard that climbing up into the elevator shaft and
>>letting your blood drip down through the grate can also
>>achieve an effect.
>
>I have read that Alfred Hitchcock and a companion entered an elevator,
>and Hitchcock, as though involved in an ongoing conversation, began
>from somewhere in the middle detailing a particularly gruesome murder,
>continuing his description until the elevator stopped, and he and his
>friend got off.
>
Pair enters crowded elevator.

A: You got what?

B: I can't pronounce it, but it's real contagious.

Subject: Re: What Awakens the Pedant in You?
From: goldfarb@... (David Goldfarb)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written, rec.arts.sf.movies, rec.arts.sf.composition

In article <374F23EA.CBD6867B@argusinc.com>,
Michael Brazier  <mbrazier@...> wrote:
)A quick question: what is wrong with this sentence?
)
)"I would like to dedicate this book to my parents, Ayn Rand and God."

This example, while famous, is possibly apocryphal.  An example which
saw real publication was the British TV listing which referred to,
"Nelson Mandella, a 500-year-old demigod and a dildo collector."

Subject: Re: ch40s G4t3
From: RT Maitreya <danhole@...>
Newsgroups: rec.games.miniatures.warhammer

l33t d00d wrote:
>h4h4h4h4h4h4h4h4 1 fINd3d CHAOS G4te 4ll by MYSEhelf w1t n0n3 help0 frum
>yur$ guy$ h4h4h4h4h4h44h 1m 0ff t0 h4ck s0m3 g0v3rnm3nt w3bsITES

*p|_()|\||<*

Subject: Re: dropping Money
From: Pat <beerguy@...>
Newsgroups: alt.pizza.delivery.drivers

Chris Young wrote:

> I left a fifty at the customers house after giving them their change one
> night.  I was glad that it was a fifty and not smaller bills because I
> wouldn't have noticed.  I called them and am thanking them to this day that
> they were honest.

You should probably stop thanking them, they must be getting tired of
seeing you.

Subject: Re: New GL Editor
From: VerBeek@... (Todd VerBeek)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.dc.universe

>On 17 May 1999 16:22:29 GMT, azrael501@... (Azrael 501) wrote:
>>>If I saw some gay making comparisons of Ron Marz to Hitler
>>
>>That should read some GUY. Don't want to be misunderstood. :-)

My pal Wildstar said:
>Now that's a fruedian slip, if ever there was one :)

Sometimes a slip is just lacy, silky feminine undergarment.

Subject: Re: I wouldn't fire Lou Piniella.
From: Dave Clapper <clap@...>
Newsgroups: alt.sports.baseball.sea-mariners

On Fri, 21 May 1999, Truthseeker wrote:

> Just fuck you Derek.  Nobody here likes you much either.

I like Derek.  Not enough to fuck him, though.

Subject: Re: EATMEDEVILDOG was: Japanese Univs. - low quality?
From: "Anthony J. Bryant" <ajbryant@...>
Newsgroups: fj.life.in-japan

Waku wrote:
>
> PS FYI: Ronald McDonald in japanese commercials is ASIAN!!
> YES! WE have captured your GOD AND MADE HIM OURS!!

Ummm.... actually, you've fallen into the trap of one of our demons.

Subject: Re: How to crack Slick Editor's expiration period
From: pgf-nospam@...
Newsgroups: comp.editors

pdonov@... wrote:
: 'Slick Edit' is a very good editor/compiler.But
: the windows version has an expiration period.How
: can I remove it?

have you tried the "DEL" command?

Subject: Re: Found: knife and flashlight
From: j-zych3@... (Jason Zych)
Newsgroups: uiuc.general, cmi.general

j-peal@... (peal james r) writes:

>David Eldridge <deldridg@...> writes:

>>I found a pocketknife/scissor tool linked to a flashlight out on the
>>grainger quad today (5/27)  If you can describe the items and where you
>>lost them, send me an e-mail and I will give them back to you.

>Oh yeah, that's mine.  I had to set it down before I could pick up
>the bird in the cage.  How can I scare the giant snake away if I
>don't pick up the bird?

You are in a newsgroup. There are conversation threads leading in
many directions.

>talk about classifieds

You can't do that here!

You are in a newsgroup. There are conversation threads leading in
many directions.

>talk about abortion

Giant flames appear, blocking your path.

You are in a newsgroup. There are conversation threads leading in
many directions.

>talk about libertarianism vs. socialism

Other people emerge from the newsgroup and beat you savagely. You
have died.

Would you like to start over (y/n)?

Subject: Re: Miss Saigon -- Alternate Endings?
From: lgline@... (Lorin )
Newsgroups: rec.arts.theatre.musicals

On 3 Jun 1999 04:24:22 GMT, saxpower@... (Saxpower) wrote:

 Originally, Tam played on the
>bed while Kim shot her shelf.

What did the shelf ever do to her? :)

Subject: Apologies for misbehaviour towards Dr. Laurence Godfrey
From: jonsg@... (Jon S Green)
Newsgroups: uk.telecom

Recently, I failed to post articles to this newsgroup deriding or
defaming a certain Dr. Laurence Godfrey, and therefore also failed to
have good cause to post retractions of, or apologies for, those
postings.

It has been pointed out to me by persons who have requested to remain
nameless that my actions, in having failed to do so, were both
unreasonable and extraordinarily inconsiderate towards Dr. Godfrey.

I therefore unreservedly apologise for having failed to defame Dr.
Godfrey, and specifically for failing to give him just cause to complain
of my behaviour, or to demand retraction, and for any distress or
inconvenience this may have caused the good Doctor.

I hope that this posting constitutes sufficient redress that we can put
this unfortunate matter behind us and move on.

Subject: Re: Avoiding a peeve
From: jsn@... (John S. Novak, III)
Newsgroups: alt.peeves

On Tue, 04 May 1999 03:35:32 GMT, Eric O'Connor <eeoc@...>
wrote:

> My old lady and I leave for Japan from SFO in a few weeks, for
>reasons of legality we are taking the hellspawnette with us.
>Other than a plastic bag and some duct tape, do any of you have any
>suggestions on how to limit the festering wound of peevishness that a
>10+ hour flight with a two year old can be to the passengers around
>us?

Fed-Ex the child.

Subject: Re: Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus..............
From: "Opinicus" <gezgin@...>
Newsgroups: alt.humor, alt.humor.parodies, aus.jokes, eunet.jokes, rec.humor

Mr. Trent Koswicks <antichrist@...> wrote in message
news:7ieqtk$8u2$1@news1.cableinet.co.uk...
> Well if those american bumbandits learnt to spell we wouldn't need this.
> Jesus, a one armed dyslexic could spell better.
Replace "american" with "American.
Put a comma after the first "spell"
Replace "one armed" with "one-armed".
I would recommend a comma after "dyslexic".

You get an "A" in spelling and a "D" in punctuation.

Subject: Re: Disappearence of Gender from English:
From: John Atkinson <johna@...>
Newsgroups: sci.lang

Chris TANG wrote:
> Martha Brummett wrote:
> > Chris TANG wrote:
> > >What caused its disappearance?
> >
> > Lack of interest
>
> ???

"No sex thanks, we're British."

Subject: Re: Poster is away, please leave a message
From: Lars Clausen <lrclause@...>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.douglas-adams, rec.humor.oracle.d

On 6 Jun 1999, dmacks@... wrote:

> Kieran John <kie@...> said:
>:
>: BTW Anyone live in NW England 'cause I've yet to meet someone on the
>: internet that lives relatively near my small little town?
>
> Wouldn't it be more efficient to walk outside[1] and yell "anybody
> else use the Internet?" and see who answers?
>
> [1] I've heard of this place. Anybody with first-hand knowledge feel
> free to post reports.

It's hot.  Sunny.  Filled with big metal boxes moving around.  And green,
fluffy things.  No search links, minimize buttons or even shell prompts.
Wierdest interface I've ever seen.

-Lars "Currently interfacing with Danish chocolate chip cookies." Clausen

Subject: Re: game programming + functional/logic languages
From: "Matthew Gallant" <mg@...>
Newsgroups: comp.games.development.programming.misc, comp.lang.functional

George Neuner <gneuner@...> wrote in message
news:375ff119.697865817@asgard...
> On Fri, 04 Jun 1999 07:07:13 GMT, Ketil Z Malde <ketil@...>
> wrote:
>
> English:  Jane will go to the store.
> German :  Jane will  to the store go.
> Arabic :  To the store Jane will go.
AND
Yoda:  Go to the store, Jane will.  Confront the Dark Side there, she must.

Subject: Re: A serious question about ALIEN concerning Lambert.
From: nomadic@... (The Brandon has you)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.movies.current-films, alt.video.dvd,
 alt.cult-movies.alien

In article <37612adb.44790175@gateway>, otto.man@... (Otto) wrote:

>I've known about the dangers of sex for quite a while, but having some
>girl shatter my skull with her tongue wasn't one that I'd have
>expected.

I've got a new .sig file!!!

Subject: Re: What was Palpatine trying to do?
From: Mike Schilling <mikes@...>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written

Richard Harter wrote:

> It's a name and a title.  It's a dessert topping and a floor wax.  Why
> can't the Sith all have the first name if they like?
>
-Anakin, meet Darth, Darth, Dath, Darth, and Darth.
What's his name, again?
Anakin.
That's going to cause some confusion.  Is it OK if we call him Darth?

Subject: Re: Serious Question about Flying Superheroes....
From: John McMahon <jmcmahon@...>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.misc

Hosun Sacreligious Lee wrote:

> Where does he carry all of those capes?

See that bulge in his spandex ?

He's not particularly happy to see you.

Subject: Re: [TPM] Okay. How can you have a 'foreign' character that ISN'T
 stereotyped?
From: erkyrath@... (Andrew Plotkin)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.movies.current-films, rec.arts.sf.written

Otto (otto.man@...) wrote:
> On Fri, 11 Jun 1999 12:28:14 -0600, Keith <keithm@...> wrote:
>  (It _would_ be _really_ cool if she showed up in Star
> Wars, though. Actually, why not make Jackie Chan into a Sith Lord?
> "Be careful, Anakin.  He practices the Drunken Lightsaber style.")

I visualize Jackie Chan, in robes and purple-and-green face-paint, being
beat upon by Obi-Wan. Jackie is disarmed! His light saber drops down a
ventilation shaft! But no, he picks up three folding chairs and a sofa and
keeps fighting!

Each piece of furniture begins emitting blinding red light as soon as
Jackie picks it up. Obi-Wan starts sweating.

Subject: Re: Who are the closet gays in Hollywood?
From: "Tom Hens" <tom.hens@...>
Newsgroups: alt.showbiz.gossip

Her Highness The Pink Princess <princesspk@...> wrote...

<snip>
> And, in case you are wondering, the only thing that "proves" otherwise,
> is: God appears on CNN with Larry King, and confirms the rumours that
> So-and-So is straight.

I always thought God was a closet case herself. Didn't she have a
girlfriend who had a child through artificial insemination?

Subject: Re: What Awakens the Pedant in You?
From: "Paul F. Dietz" <dietz@...>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written, rec.arts.sf.movies, rec.arts.sf.composition

Anton Sherwood wrote:

> I'm sometimes inconvenienced when a chapter ends with a poetic phrase
> like "Darkness swallowed him and he knew no more."

So am I, unless the next chapter begins "Darkness paused, then
spat him back up again, because he had not bathed in six months."

Subject: Re: "Inappropriate" movies that...
From: Jim S <jims@...>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.movies.current-films

Trent wrote:
> The scariest
> thing I saw on television was Michael Jackson's Thriller video, when he is
> turning into the werewolf.  I don't know why, but that is the only thing that
> really scared me as a kid.

Nowadays there's a whole NEW reason to be scared of Michael if
you are a kid...

Subject: Re: Why EVIL is cool (was Re: the Thinking Evil Overlord was Re:
 Palpatine, the Emperor to be)
From: David Navarro <dnavar@...>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written

Mariane Desautels wrote:
>
> Jordan Mendenhall wrote:
> >
> > M. Northstar wrote:
> >
> > > Maybe people instinctively perceive the "Bad Guy" as more self absorbed ==
> > > going to more trouble to dress snazzy.
> >
> > Being evil is all style
>
> Evil is cool because it has no moral qualms with the polluting agents
> used in air conditionning.

ObSF. The devil to Woody Allen:

"Too hot? Turn on the air conditioning"

"You have air conditioning in Hell?"

"Yup. Fucks up the ozone layer".

Subject: Re: General action cliche
From: Reverend Sean O'Hara <oharava@...>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.tv, rec.arts.sf.written, rec.arts.sf.movies,
 rec.arts.sf.composition, alt.fan.tom-servo, alt.superfreak.jay-denebeim,
 alt.fan.bam

Julian Buczek wrote:
>
> Podkayne Fries wrote:
> >
> > My sister's neighbor is a vet, and her name is Dr. Duck.
>
> A lot of Vietnamese people have the surname Nguyen.  I knew a man once
> whose name was Nguyen Nguyen.  Same first name, same last name.
>
Long ago (last summer to be exact), when I worked as a scummy, sleazy,
yet quite successful telemarketer, I was going through a street
listing when I came upon one Mr. Phuc Ngo. For those of you unfamiliar
with Vietnamese, "ph" sounds as "f" just like English, and "g" after
"n" is silent.

Imagine the great fun I had calling this residence. First a woman
picks up.

Woman: Hello.

Me: Is Mr. Ngo there?

Woman: What Meestah Ngo you want?

Me: Phuc, please.

Woman: O, Phuc no here.

Me: You said, Phuc Ngo's there?

Woman: No, no Phuc here. Phuc at work...

Subject: Re: Kosovo
From: "Douglas D Anderson" <dda@...>
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes

WTrasque <wtrasque@...> wrote in article
<19990621132525.17959.00001046@ngol01.aol.com>...
> Are these really jokes or just an excuse to be cruel?
> - Will

Are you referring to AOL free trial CD's or Kosovar jokes?

Subject: Re: to A mabbett A polite note
From: richard@... (Richard Tibbetts)
Newsgroups: uk.net.news.config

John Underwood <john@...> wrote:

>On Sat, 26 Jun 1999 at 16:51:52, Blade Runner <black-dog@...>
>wrote in uk.net.news.config:
>(Reference: <377f0384.36069218@news.freeserve.co.uk>)
>
>>On Sat, 26 Jun 1999 14:56:43 +0100 in uk.net.news.config, Andy Mabbett
>>wrote:
[...]
>>How do you e-mail someone on a newsgroup?
>>
[...]
>For example, it is quite obvious that, until matter transportation is
>perfected, it is quite impossible to e-mail a person.

Presumably even then one should only e-mail them to a binaries
newsgroup.

Subject: Re: oh, give us a break on ssf-am; R. Allbery please read
From: gburnore@... (Gary L. Burnore)
Newsgroups: news.groups,

>In article <cdm-0107991455430001@grad4.covis.nwu.edu>,
>colette <cdm@...> wrote:
>
>>Oh, and the makers of Outlook Express should be taken out
>>back and shot.
>
>Bill Gate's parents should have been given a condom.

They were. It was an MS beta.

Subject: To Dana; (was - How Do I send an Email with attachments from the
 command line?)
From: Catherine McMillan <kate@...>
Newsgroups: comp.mail.pine

[Dana is a troll claiming to be blind.]

Dana wrote, presumably all by herself;

> all you know about pine is a "pine tree"
 

** * ** *    ** *  ** *    *  ** **
 *    *      *              * *  *     **
     **         **    *     *          *

Subject: Re: looking for swear words
From: Ralph Jones <rmjones@...>
Newsgroups: alt.usage.english

hbandurski@my-deja.com wrote:
>
> I am designing a site for kids where they can register and discuss
> various subjects and i do not want any swear words to appear there.
>
> Do you know where i can find a list of swear words?

Ask the kids.

Subject: Re: Normal American
From: loz@... (Loz)
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes

On Tue, 06 Jul 1999 21:16:49 GMT, wayne@... (+Wayne)
wrote:

>>"If the rest of the world jumped off a cliff, would you do it?"
>
>France would.

...and then claim that they thought of the idea...

Subject: Re: I need to whack off... SERIOUSLY!!
From: Justin Sueno <sueno@...>
Newsgroups: alt.games.final-fantasy

On 9 Jul 1999, XENON17079 wrote:

> What is wrong with you people!

Mental illness.
Alcoholism.
Dropped on the head as a baby.
Multiple Personality Disorder.
Bipolar Personality.
Schizophrenia.
Insanity.
Oedipus Complex.
Penis envy.
Sex.
Drugs.
Rock n' Roll.
Somebody spiked the water supply.
Twinkies overdose.
Hit head too many times on the wall.
It's all Bill Gates and Win '98's fault.
Like, Society, man.
Boredom.
It's not us, it's the one-armed man.
We're not the droids you're looking for.  Move along.

Take your pick.

Subject: Re: MASTER
From: crisis <crisis@...>
Newsgroups: alt.games.final-fantasy

Justin Sueno wrote:
> On 12 Jul 1999, Lavos wrote:
> > I am the Master of FF&. I can do anything and I am the best. Just posting this
> > to see what kind o' response I'll get...
> Oh yeah?  Well, I'm the master of FF^, FF%, FF*, FF(, FF), FF$, FF#, FF@,
> FF!, and FF~.  So there.

The series totally went downhill after FF=BF, IMO.

Subject: Re: lion kings pervert
From: amroth@... (Phil Edwards)
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban

On 19 Jun 1999 18:36:38 -0700, lstowell@... (Lon Stowell)
wrote:

>In article <3771a2e7.17204150@news.zetnet.co.uk>,
>Phil Edwards <amroth@...> wrote:
>>On Sat, 19 Jun 1999 01:19:29 -0400, "Mr C"
>><camsoccer@...> wrote:
>>
>>>A telephone pole is a penis if you want to see it that way.  But why do you
>>>want to see it that way?
>>
>>There's a guy named Freud who's been wondering about that very thing -
>>and you wouldn't believe some of the stuff he's come up with!
>
>   True, but of course you are aware that none of Freud's phallic
>   theories ever stood up under close inspection.

I guess we all know that feeling, eh guys?

Subject: Re: WebCam
From: Hugo 'NOx' Tyson <hmt@...>
Newsgroups: cam.misc

Alan Braggins <armb@...> writes:

> keirf@... writes:
> > > OK, can't resist.  Why *do* you want to learn Dutch?
> >
> > Why not? It is one of the most fantastic languages known to man. I
> > love it. What other language has words like 'meelig' and 'gezellig' -
> > concepts of cameraderie and having a groovey time that just can't be
> > expressed properly in English.
>
> Should it ever prove necessary to express them properly in English,
> we can borrow the Dutch words to do so, without needing to learn the
> rest of the language...

Quite; while the Dutch might wear pyjamas in their bungalows in a nice
quiet cul de sac enjoying schadenfreude about our angst that we can't
express those concepts with our own pukka English words - if you like we
have no mot juste for them - we're quite happy to borrow those words and
incorporate them in what is now the world's de-facto lingua franca without
an iota of trouble, and if anything with considerable bonhomie.

Subject: Re: newsgroup theory
From: steve@... (Steve Loft)
Newsgroups: uk.local.yorkshire

In article <7mi4k1$o4c$1@bignews.shef.ac.uk>, Priory Campus wrote:

> I now know how to get into go menu and newsgroups and how to add
> material to
> newsgroups and send them.  This is a new newsgroup addition where we use
> uk.local.yorkshire.

Excellent, well done.  Tomorrow we learn about getting flamed, and then
how to use uk.test.

Subject: Re: One Hundred Reasons Why Kirk Is Better Than Picard
From: bd <ungawa@...>
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes

David wrote:
>
> Think about that before you go to bed, and then let me know what kind of
> dreams you had.

I had that dream again where I discover I can perform autofellatio and
then while I'm blowing myself I suddenly realize I'm laying beside the
Interstate during rush hour traffic.

But I don't think it was related to your post.

Subject: Re: Televised Funeral Procession for JFK Jr
From: frankv@... (Frank van der Hulst)
Newsgroups: alt.obituaries, alt.tasteless

mmmcwolf@... wrote:
> John & Carolyn Kennedy were symbols of youth and
> the future.

Huh? He was 40-ish.

Now, as a post-40 myself, I know its not the end of the world. But it sure is
a hell of a long way from youth.

> Their untimely and violent deaths hit
> us on a deep subconscious level.

Their extremely timely and hopefully violent (if we're unlucky, he might
have died of a heart attack whilst still airborne) deaths hit the
seabed on a deep subaqueous level.

> manifestation of the end of an era.  The myriad
> possibilities for peace, love, beauty we of the
> Age of Aquarius envisioned in the 60's just moved
> one more giant step into the past.

The Kennedies as a symbol of peace, love, and beauty????

Bwahahaha.

> The Kennedy family, including Caroline and John,
> have long realized their symbolic value to the
> American people.

Their value has long been realized, in the sense that it has been
spent.

> I applaud Caroline and John for
> living their own lives while acknowledging this
> public responsibility in doing good works.

I applaud them for dying their own deaths. If they were responsible,
they would have taken Uncle Teddy with them.

> Should
> there be a public funeral?

Of course. With open caskets.

> I think the Kennedys
> and Bessettes should be allowed to grieve
> privately but that some sort of memorial should be
> offered for those of us who have suffered a
> different but still profound type of loss.

Profound, as in deep, like, say, the sea?

> Perhaps a memorial service could be televised that
> included only those relatives who wanted to be
> there?

Yeah... like the OJ trial. But with more lawyers.

> > > Where can we write to voice a
> > > need to come full circle and televise
> > > a national funeral procession for
> > > JFK Jr (and his wife and her sister)?

Tattoo it on your forehead.

> > > Forget reading what the cynical generation
> > > on the Internet has to say about this.
> > > You don't and never will understand.
> > >
> > > We grieved for John Kennedy.

What about Lee Harvey Oswald? Did you grieve for him?

> > > We grieved for Bobby Kennedy.

And Abe Lincoln... don't forget Abe.

> > > We grieved for Martin Luther King.

Before or after he died?

> > > We grieved for John Lennon.

Pity you weren't there to throw yourself in front of John.

> > > We grieved for Jerry Garcia.

Who?

> > > We grieved for Kurt Cobain.

Why?

> > > We grieved for ex-princess Diana.

And Dodi... you seem to have overlooked him.

> > > We grieved for Phil Hartman.

Was he at Columbine High?

> > > We grieved for Sonny Bono.

Who WOODn't.

> > > Do I need to go on?

Nope... you can shut up now.

> > > There is more than one generation
> > > still alive (and some of us are on the
> > > Internet) that needs to grieve for
> > > JFK's saluting toddler son and the loss of
> > > his bright promise of leadership also.

I thought you were going to shut up!

Bright promise of leadership???? This must be some other
sense of 'bright' of which I have been hitherto unaware.

> > > Where can we write to voice a
> > > need to come full circle and televise
> > > a national funeral procession for
> > > JFK Jr (and his wife and her sister)?

Wife and sister? Did they die too? Christ, lucky you
didn't forget them. Pity they're treated as afterthoughts though.

> > > What is it these days?  Write to
> > > CNN, Barbara Walters, The White House?

Yup. CNN, c/- Barbara Walters, White House, USA.

> > > Write to his surviving sister?  Write
> > > to Carolyn Bessette's surviving family?

Hi, you don't know me, but I want to grieve for your daughter /
sister / lover / cousin twice removed (delete what isn't applicable)
so could you please get CNN to video her funeral for me. Thanks.

> > > While he and his wife blessedly share
> > > a watery grave, there is a public that
> > > needs to grieve, as much as the public
> > > needed to grieve for a Diana.

Share their watery grave with hungry little fishies. Nibbling.
Tugging. Ripping. Shredding.

> > > You still-cynical and young and often
> > > mean-spirited generations behind us
> > > do not and cannot understand.  Try to
> > > understand at least that.

Message received. I have not a clue in the entire world why
you would want to grieve for someone you've never even met.

Now, here's a clue...

Get a kitten. A cute, furry, adorable little kitten. Now kill it.

Now you've got something real to grieve for.

Oh, and get a life.

Subject: Re: for the cat lovers--cat bathing as a martial art
From: hutchison7@... (Hutchison7)
Newsgroups: alt.support.diet

I feel an OT story coming on.  (Just a warning if you'd rather avoid it.

My parents, both invalids, were delighted with the two kittens we gave them
years ago, and promptly and inexplicably named them St. Theresa and St.
Margaret.

Mother's doctor called me in alarm after one of her visits.  Afraid your mother
has possibly had some small strokes, katie, he said solemnly.  She told me she
was talking to St. Theresa, who was on the foot of her bed last night.

Well, yes, I said.  At least this time St. Theresa didn't tinkly on the duvet.

My father had a weird propensity for shortening names or creating nicknames,
the more off color the better.  St. Margaret became Maggie, which morphed into
Maggot, and St. Theresa (I'd like to point out - THIS HAPPENED) became Tess and
ultimately, Testicle.

Dad's neighbors were startled one night to hear his familiar bass voice
bellowing across the yard "Where's my little Maggot?  Where's my little
Testicle?"

I'm compiling a booklet of stories about my Dad for my nephews, who were born
after he died.  The Maggot and Testicle story is one of my favorites.

Subject: Re: UNSUBSCRIBE
From: "Flybo Exbou" <rflyzik@...>
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes

Scott Ford wrote in message <3799BA16.8C8080A1@slic.com>...
>    TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN,PLEASE UNSUBSCRIBE SCOTFORD@SLIC.COM. THIS IS
>A BUS.TERMINAL,FOR CUSTOMER USE.PLEASE CONFIRM UNSUBSCRIBE BY
>E-MAIL.THANK YOU.C.CHRISTY MANAGER.

    Our attempts to unsubscribe you have met with failure.  Systems
analysis shows that the problem resides in your operating system.
Please format your hard drive and try again.
    ATJ Technical Support

Subject: Re: 6 dollars = 6,000 dollars
From: bergamot@... (Eric, da Red)
Newsgroups: alt.sports.baseball.sea-mariners

Topper81 (topper81@...) wrote:
: I thought at first it was a scam, but I took a chance and only sacrificed 6
: dollars and 6 stamps and after that money started coming I forgot about that
: measly 6 dollars and was rolling in  cash. Just read the bottom and you"ll see.
: First, I would like to start off by telling you i am only 14 and making more
: money than my dad!.

Tell your dad to get off his lazy ass and find a job.

Subject: Hip churches
From: jmbay@... (Joseph Michael Bay)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology

So, I saw this kinda neat ad for some church, which consisted of a
classical-y painting of the Crucifixion with the caption (in "razor-
scratched" writing") OF COURSE WE WELCOME PEOPLE WITH PIERCED BODY
PARTS.

Anyway, I was thinking that the Catholic Church needs some good ads,
especially as America's only famous Catholics are dying at an alarming
rate (would Sam Giancana, or "No Nose" DiFronzo, or whoever, please
call it off?  We're running out of Kennedys).

Sort of obvious:  "Jesus.  It's what's for dinner."

Or perhaps having better quality wine, and letting people know what
kind it will be:  "Today's sermon: The Quality of Mercy.  Also 1995
Mondavi Zinfandel"  Anything but that stuff they have.  It makes Mad
Dog look like Domaine de la Romanee Conti burgundy.  Also cool would
be a couple chalices full of sangria.

Probably the best would be to have more active stuff.  Like if priests
had to skydive, or bungee jump off of cliffs, or street luge in order
to anoint terminally ill people with oil.

TONIGHT ON ESPN-2!  EXTREME UNCTION!

Subject: Re: And while we're at it, what would Jesus do?
From: drew@...
Newsgroups: alt.fan.cecil-adams

Deborah <sjf1959@...> wrote:

> So just what do people mean when they tell Christians ask themselves
> "What would Jesus do?" and act accordingly?

Many supermarket chashiers here in Nashville wear these
bracelets. I have this recurring fantasy of one day screaming
out "You know what Jesus would do?!?! He'd bag my fucking
groceries a bit faster!"

Subject: Re: Islamic "miss" re Scientific Method
From: jboston@... (John Boston)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written

In article <avram-2907991651220001@manhattan.crossover.com>,
 avram@... says...
>
>In article <19990729144837.01140.00000141@ng-fc1.aol.com>, coyu@...
>(Coyu) wrote:
>
>> Then there's Jesus of Nazareth himself. C.S. Lewis was of the
>> opinion that there was no middle ground - either Jesus Christ
>> was a raving madman, or he was the Son of God. And I know
>> you're Jewish...
>
>Sure, but Lewis was commiting a rather obvious case of the Fallacy of the
>Excluded Middle.

 Nephew of God, a little depressed and phobic maybe but responded
well to Prozac and desensitization?

Subject: Re: The Things I Will Do if I Am ever the Hero
From: Keith <keithm@...>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written, rec.arts.sf.tv, rec.arts.sf.movies,
 rec.arts.sf.composition

Jonathan W Hendry wrote:

> > > > Especially when it's so easy to rig an external camera to
> > > > the other side of a large, thick, strong wall, and just
> > > > have a big, window-like display screen on the internal
> > > > wall. You get to "see out", and don't get squished as
> > > > easy.
>
> > > And if you get bored with the view, you can switch to the
> > > Playboy Channel.
>
> >    "Take that off the forward screen, Mr Sulu."
>
> "Then transfer the signal into my quarters."

"Captain's Log, continued.  After a long battle in which we exhausted
our photon torpedo magazines and suffered numerous minor casualties
from the frantic maneuvering, we discovered that Former Acting Ensign
Crusher had patched his copy of "Starfleet Battle Simulator" into the
main viewer during the previous night.

"Note to self--send condolences to Doctor Crusher concerning Wesley's
mysterious tumble out an airlock that had been mysteriously left open."

Subject: Re: Adolescent Power Fantasy (was Ken Macleod: The Cassini Division
 (review + spoilers)
From: charlie@... (Charlie Stross)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written

Stoned koala bears drooled eucalyptus spittle in awe
as <r.phoenix@...> declared:

>Now if only someone would skewer the fantasy of "If I had a darling fuzzy
>telepathic cat."

Give 'em opposable thumbs and the power of speech and that's it for
homo sap., except for those of us chained to the conveyor belts in the
tuna canneries.

Plus, can you imagine what the conversations would be like?

"Hi there! I'm a cat, me. You got any tuna? I'm a cat, pay attention
to me, I'm important! Where are you going? Oh, you're going in there.
I'm going in there too, what's in here? Oh, I'm in here. Me, I'm a
cat, me! Pay attention, now. What am I doing here? There's no fish
here. I'm going there. I'm a cat ..."

Subject: Re: Minor T-Bolts 30 nit. Also, are Hostess Ads canon?
From: Alan Travis <amtravis@...>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.marvel.universe

GQ11479 wrote:

> >
> >One thing I notice Marvel artists fail to realize is that most cities do
> >NOT look like New York. For example, (the genesis of this nit) very few
> >police forces wear the light blue uniforms that the NYPD does
>
> Actually, the NYPD have gone to navys or black, I can't quite tell

I thought the NYPD had switched to white robes and hoods.

*ouch*  Okay, that was a cheap shot, I admit.  ---Alan

Subject: Re: JFK Funeral
From: bd <ungawa@...>
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes

Poncho wrote:
>
> What the hell is wrong with you people?

Well, let's see:  I don't have enough money, my morals are in the
toilet, I'm antisocial, I have a compulsive tendency to say wholly
inappropriate and offensive things in delicate social situations, I
can't seem to stop downloading pictures of bestiality and little girls
from the Internet, I'm not in very good physical condition, my spinal
curvature is slightly off, I stay on the computer too much, I'm lazy, I
drink to excess, I'm not very good at playing pool, I have a bad habit
of telling people what I think of them, I don't follow rules well, I
occasionally vote Libertarian, I don't respect my elders, I have
contempt for the poor, I don't wear sunscreen, I don't like Mexican
food, I go right to sleep after sex without bothering to "cuddle," I'm
selfish and egotistical, I don't give enough to charity, I have
difficulty casting a flyrod, I drive too fast, I don't take care of my
teeth, I'd kill a whale to go on a "Nantucket sleigh ride" just to see
what it was like, I'm a bad loser, I don't drink enough milk, I hate
dogs, I pick my nose when nobody's looking, I couldn't identify Eritrea
on a map, I'm allergic to antiperspirant, I can only play one song on
the mandolin, I can't keep my desk neat at work, I con my girlfriend
into doing my laundry whenever possible, I sound like Bob Dylan when I
sing, I'm not good at time management, I shirk responsibility, I'm
scatterbrained and forgetful, I'm bad at darts, I can't ride a bicycle,
marijuana just makes me fall asleep, I never learned to play poker, I
don't respect authority, I have a bad habit of going home with fat girls
if I drink too much, I'm afraid of heights, I'm a really bad dancer, and
this morning I seem to have a bit of a sore throat.

What's wrong with you?

Subject: Re: I Have an Important Announcment
From: Reverend Sean O'Hara <oharava@...>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.tom-servo

> BTW, you used your real name?  I'd think writers starting out by
> writing pr0n would use a pseudonym to avoid potential mishaps down the
> line.
>
True. However, unlike Harlan Ellison, I have no shame.

I mean, it's just porn. It's not like I'm writing a Trek novel.

Subject: Re: Bad Cover Art
From: Captain Button <button@...>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written

Wild-eyed conspiracy theorists insist that on Sun, 08 Aug 1999 19:26:18
GMT, J.Swing <Jswing@...> wrote:

[ text saved for valuable prizes ]

> The bumper sticker that always gets me is the 'Free Tibet' sticker.  I keep
> looking for the fine print that says 'only with the purchase of a country of
> equal or greater value'

My dad has a little newspaper ad for a bit of jewelry on his wall.

It's a pin that says "Try God".

He has written below it "On What Charge?"

Subject: Re: What the...
From: mlorton@...
Newsgroups: alt.fan.cecil-adams

rilchiam@... (Rilchiam) writes:

>    All kidding aside (not that I think death and debilitating
> disease are joking matters), did anyone see Shatner on the
> news? I truly felt bad for him; he almost lost it right on
> camera.

Since O.J., I've just assumed that any celeb spouse who dies was
killed by the celeb.  I saw Shatner weeping on TV and thought, "Maybe
he's just a good actor."  Then I thought a little more and decided he
was probably innocent.

Subject: Re: product safety
From: johnl@... (John R Levine)
Newsgroups: ne.food

>> environment-friendly, not tested on animals,

Our motto: Not tested on animals, tested on YOU!

Subject: Re: FREE INTERNET SERVICE: UHOH
From: flu43nn0ck@... (Mike Flugennock)
Newsgroups: news.admin.net-abuse.email

In article <37babc1a.38353295@news.mindspring.com>,
Shiksaa@... wrote:

> Efforts and courage are not enough without purpose and direction--John
F. Kennedy--

"Hey, what's this switch do?"--John F. Kennedy Jr.

Subject: Re: "go to hell" in Microsoft Ad
From: "Thomas J. Wood" <wood@...>
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban

Bloomeenee wrote:

> I recently heard of a microsoft "where would you like to go today?" ad
> in which Mozart's Requiem is played in the background. According to what I
> heard, the english translation of the Latin(?) words being sung is
> something about descending into hell. Does anyone know anything about this?

I saw the ad on TV a couple of years ago, and thought the choice of music
was most peculiar. I'm not totally certain which section of Mozart's
Requiem was being used, but I seem to recall it was "Confutatis
maledictis, flammis acribus addictis" which describes sinners being fed to
the devouring flames of Hell.

Which is a wonderful metaphor for having to use Windows, doncha think?

Subject: Re: MI5 Persecution: bugging and counter-surveillance
From: M Holmes <fofp@...>
Newsgroups: uk.misc, uk.legal, uk.politics.misc, alt.conspiracy,
 soc.culture.british, demon.local

In uk.misc Dick Jackson <dickj@thegrid.net> wrote:

: Come on John, please be serious. They are almost certainly using a
: laser to pick up vibrations from the windows -- virtually
: undetectable.

Couldn't this be sabotaged with some sort of random vibratory devide
affixed to a window? I suppose something could be cobbled together with
an electronics kit and stuff from the Ann Summers catalogue.

Even if it didn't work, a vibrating dildo strapped to the window would
probably confuse them.

Subject: Re: Ryan, Stalin, and Ventura
From: Chris Vail <a0008573@...>
Newsgroups: alt.books.tom-clancy

Paul J. Adam wrote:
(snip)
> Eeh, them was the days... 'course, we had to shovel t'coal for 'alf an
> 'our before we could boot up, to raise the proper 'ead of steam in the
> CPU, but we was 'appy back then...
>
> I feel old and I'm not quite thirty yet :)

April 1 of this year I placed the following message in the /etc/motd
file.  This was displayed on the screen of every person in our company
when they logged in to the system.

Today, April 1st, we will again clean out our high speed data lines
throughout the company.  We will be using high pressure, inert
nitrogen gas to clean out unused bits, bytes, interrupted terminal
sessions and pieces of spider web from improperly terminated world
wide web applications.  Users in Texas and Louisiana may notice a
slight hissing sound, and see a slight stream of dust emanating
from their keyboards.  Should these get on your hands, wash with
soap and cold water.  You may contact the help desk, who will
issue a protective dust cover upon request.

The help desk got 3 phone calls from users demanding dust covers,
one of whom also demanded a dust mask as she was allergic to dust.
(all of these were from Louisiana, which is about right)

Chris (April Fool) Vail

Subject: Re: US law
From: houghi@... (houghi)
Newsgroups: alt.pizza.delivery.drivers

In article <AaMw3.228$hm5.2529@newsfeed.slurp.net>,
 "Zooey_G" <zooey_g@...> writes:
>
> I dont care what the law is. My truck has a cup holder. If I want to drink
> Diet Coke while driving, and a law says I can't... I'll let a jury decide.
> And You'd bet I'd make the courts pay for a jury trial.

You are in the states. Sue the truck company for installing the thing,
the cup holder company for making the thing, Coke for making cans that
fit in the cup holder and Microsoft for the fun off it.

Subject: Re: newbie offers story
From: pizzadriver@... (Mike)
Newsgroups: alt.pizza.delivery.drivers

Chris Young wrote:

>With her legacy I would have to say it is believed that she <Mother
Theresa> is in heaven.

Well, if she isn't, then everyone else can stop trying.

Subject: Re: 500 Adult mags 50 the lot
From: "Taxman" <markww@...>
Newsgroups: uk.adverts, uk.adverts.books

JFS <johnfs@...> wrote in message
news:7peuqg$k58$1@news1.cableinet.co.uk...

> As above, genuine reason for getting rid!!
>
> S. Cheshire area,
>
> Email if interested

sore wrists?

Subject: Re: Gvim 5.4 and Blue Screen of Death? -> :quit
From: randy c ford <randy@...>
Newsgroups: comp.editors

* David Sewell <dsew@...>:
> Twice today, while doing something in gvim, my NT system crashed with
> a BSOD. Since it had managed not to crash anytime in the last two or
> three weeks, I'm a little spooked.

I find it spooky when NT goes two or three weeks without a BSOD too.

Sven Guckes wrote:
> Alright, alright, - seriously now :
> *Anything* might be breaking NT's back.

I've found that often it's not "anything."  I fact, it's often nothing.
I heard someone state that win95 is more stable than NT
because win95 only crashes when you use it.

Subject: Re: Doggie Style
From: bd <ungawa@...>
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes

Checkmate.© wrote:
>
> Shit, d00d... I'm running a 400 MHz P-II, clocking the bus at 100 MHz, two
> 8-Gig IDE's, two 5-Gig Scuzzies, 128 Megs of PC-100, a 36X IDE CD player,
> a 4X scuzzy CD burner, a 1-Gig scuzzy Jaz drive, 16 Meg AGC video card,
> Adaptec wide scuzzy controller, USR 56K modem, AWE 64, and a Netgear NIC,
> and it all happens on my big 20" monitor... neener, neener, and um...
> neener.

My computer only runs at 200MHz.  But *I* have a really big penis.

[during a discussion about spoiler space]

Subject: Re: [I] Soul Music & The Italian Job
From: "Cyclops" <marvin@...>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.pratchett

Andy Davison <postmaster@...> wrote in message
news:246524020991106ntc@oiyou.force9.co.uk...

<Snip stuff about what people haven't seen>
I was going to make a comment about life in general here but I
don't want to get flamed so...
.
<Spoiler space for life>
...
---
...

...
---
...

...
---
...

...
---
...

...
---
...

<That should be about enough>

Everybody dies in the end!

[This is from a thread about someone trying with little
success to install a candelabra in the shower.  It got silly.]

Subject: Re: showers, baths, gods, candles, and you. and me, baby.
From: stone@... (Bloodstone)
Newsgroups: alt.gothic

orion <orion@...> wrote:
: But i pray to mister satan and he promises to help out poor mister fire.
: but then mr blood of christ starts coming out of mister shower nozzle,
: and i slip and fall on mister bum

"And that's how the bar of soap got up my arse nurse, honest! "

Subject: Re: How can I get people who come on my server?
From: otto.man@... (Otto)
Newsgroups: alt.usenet.kooks, alt.slack.sputum, alt.fan.karl-malden.nose,
 alt.slack, alt.non.sequitur, alt.religion.kibology

On Fri, 10 Sep 1999 00:55:14 GMT, cap'n_howdy@... (ka`reem
o`whee`t) wrote:

>Re: How can I get people who come on my server?

DNA testing.

Subject: Re: Strats for Protoss defense
From: "Neo-X" <jaggers295@...>
Newsgroups: alt.games.starcraft

Matrix <matrix2@...> wrote in message
news:fbjq3.148$In5.10359@news1.primary.net...
> It's not worse than any other sin. Sin is sin, period. Black is black and
> white is white.
>
> Matrix

Just wondering, you ever heard of a little thing called gray?

Subject: Han Solo vs. cheese
From: lots42@... (Lots42)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology

Han Solo vs. cheese.

Cheese smells great. Han Solo doesn't, espically after crawling through a
garbage pit.

Edge: Cheese.

Cheese can still be used after being mashed flat. Han Solo cannot.

Edge: Cheese.

Han Solo can shoot stormtroopers. Cheese can be consumed by stormtroopers.

Edge: Han Solo.

Han Solo doesn't always do everything you expect of him. Cheese fufills all
it's expected purposes.

Edge: Cheese.

Cheese would go bad if you leave it out in the sun for a week. So would Han
Solo.

Edge: Tie!

Han Solo is hated by Jabba. So is cheese, as Jabba prefers to eat wriggling,
squiggling things.

Edge: Tie!

Han Solo's best friend is a Jedi Master. Cheese has no friend.

Edge: Han Solo.

People would watch Han Solo on TV. No one but art house people would watch
cheese on TV.

Edge: Han Solo.

Cheese can be used as a euphamism for farts. Saying, "Who cut the Han Solo?"
doesn't cut it.

Edge: Cheese.

Cheese edges out Han Solo by one point. Don't tell Chewie!

Subject: Re: Windows 2000
From: Union Pivo <unionpivoNO@...>
Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet

Subject: Windows 2000

>What are the advantages? Improvements and new features?

Redmond, Washington
For immediate release.

William Gates CEO of Microsoft, the worlds leading software company,
announced the delay of Windows 2000 to the 1st Quarter of 1901.

Subject: Re: Keirsey temperment sorter
From: Kevin Kelley <kelley@...>
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d

dmacks@... (Daniel E. Macks) said:

> Many a fine RHODent contributed:
> } > >>> > >>> >: Coooooooool...a blashpeming egoist.  He can stay.
> } > >>> > >>> >
> } > >>> > >>> >Once upon a time I was a humble devout, but then I realized that
> } > >>> > >>> >they don't get any of the chicks.
> } > >>> > >>>
> } > >>> > >>> Chicken fucker!!!
> } > >>> > >>
> } > >>> > >>Dood! Don't say chicken fucker in front of Jesus!
> } > >>> > >
> } > >>> > > I see no Jesus here.
> } > >>> >
> } > >>> > MOVE STONE
> } > >>>
> } > >>> The stone rolls ponderously away from the mouth of the tomb.
> } > >>> You enter, followed closely by Mary Magdalene, Mary mother of
> } > >>> James, and various other Maries.  There is a bier, with a shroud
> } > >>> draped over it.  I see no Jesus here.
> } > >>
> } > >> LOOK MARY
> } > >
> } > >Mary's eyes are red from weeping.  So are Mary's, Mary's and Mary's.  I
> } > >really wish they were a bit more imaginative with their names.  Now that
> } > >you look at them, you find that Mary is actually look really hot.  No, not
> } > >that Mary, the other, no, not that one either.  Geez, you're hopeless.
> } >
> } > DRINK BIER
> }
> } Popping the top of a really excellent german brew, you pause to wonder
> } who could possibly have taken your jesus.  As you raise the can to
> } your lips, it suddenly begins foaming -- in fact, it's spewing froth
> } everywhere, and the foam collects to form the shape of a man you last
> } saw being carried away from a cross.  "Don't drink that," Jesus tells
> } you.  "I turned my body into beer, to hide.  I guess with all you
> } thirsty beggars around it wasn't such a good idea.  Never mind; just
> } stay out of my can until Octoberfest, I have something planned."
> }
> } Giving you a wet noogie to show his displeasure at your ruining
> } his surprise, the jesus froth dissolves back into the can, which
> } seals again.
> }
> } You are somewhat disappointed; frankly, you'd rather have had the
> } beer than the visitation from your lord and savior.
> }
> } You are holding a magical can of jesus beer.  Your score is 50 of
> } a possible 666.  I see no jesus here.
>
> SHAKE CAN

You give your best impression of a nightclub gigolo; the Maries
titter and giggle.  One of them pinches you.

SHAKE MAGICAL CAN OF JESUS BEER YOU MORON

You always were huffy, Simon Peter.

You give the can a vigorous shake and it explodes, soaking the walls
of the crypt with tasty jesus foam.  Jesus gathers himself together
and proceeds to thrash you; he then leaves, muttering "asshole."  All
the Maries follow him, and the guards roll the stone across the
entrance to the tomb.

You are trapped, bloody and bruised, in the darkening crypt.

Subject: Re: ~Where did Gandalf/Galadriel/Elrond/Cirdan keep their Rings?
From: "maurice finn" <fotwot@...>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.books.tolkien

> I've just been discussing the limitation of two rings per character in the
> Angband newsgroup and the idea of wielding rings that you wear on your
ears or
> wherever came up.
>
> To hide a ring, why not wear it in your navel or around your genital
proboscis?
>  That's why no one could see their Rings . . . .
>

> Mark Constantino

Three Rings for the Elven-Knobs under their vests
Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their balls of stone
Nine for mortal woman on their breasts
One for the dark lord on his dark bone
In the land of proboscis where your privates lie
One ring for both your balls, one ring to prick them
One ring to dangle there and in the darkness your partner will say "What the
bloody hell was that"

On 23 Sep 1999 14:02:06 GMT, Andrew Plotkin <erkyrath@...> wrote:

>The only hurdle (besides the usual Hollywood danger of having the entire
>project managed by acute anencephalics) is making a SF movie without an
>action hero.

Oh, _The Player of Games_ *has* an action hero. The trouble is, he's a
disk a few cm in radius, which would make it a bit difficult for Arnold
Schwarzenegger to play him.

Jonathan W Hendry wrote:
>
> Thought experiment:
>
> Imagine that Jordan manages to write the remaining novels
> in the series so that they lead into the *first* WOT novel,
> creating a circular plot.
>
> Would Jordan fans ever stop reading?

Let's see: The Third Age has lasted ~3000 yrs. There are seven ages
to a turning of the wheel. So 21,000 yrs per cycle. In 8 books, Jordan
has barely managed to advance the story what? 3 years? So, let's
estimate 3 books = 1 story year. So it would take Jordan 63,000 books
to reach The Eye of the World, again. At an average of, let's say,
800 pages per book (That seems like a fair median between The Great
Hunt and Lord of Chaos) that's 50,400,000 pages. Now, assuming that
Jordan fans could actually read all this, and Jordan could write it
all (An average of 2 years per book, thats 126,000 years),
then by the time they got to the end, they'd probably have forgotten
what happened at the beginning of The Eye of the World.

Although I wouldn't count on it.

Jordan fans can get really anal.

jtmajor@... (Joseph Major) writes:
>  Yes, it is going to be rather hard doing this.  However, the
> thought of aliens, capable of seriously harming our world, having to deal
> with internet denizens pouring out torrents of information about how
> miniature robots created in a sixty-year-old secret war project are
> crawling up into his digestive system from behind, or how covert evil
> members of a fraternal organization are controlling all the world, or how
> his nation's domestic counterintelligence organization is wiretapping his
> home and having its agents taunt him on the television news (all these are
> _actual_ net people) is frightening to consider.
>  And mind you, I'm not even mentioning the prospect of a Certain
> Organization asking about the Galactic Emperor (whose name resembles a
> woman fantasy warrior who got crucified last season)!

Or the spammers.  Hordes of spammers trying to get the aliens hooked on
questionable MLM schemes, lethal (to the aliens) dietary supplements or
aphrodisiacs, or pictures of incomprehensible acts between hominids.

They'll nuke us from orbit.

Subject: Re: Leeds Bradford Airport
From: IAN DINSDALE <ian@...>
Newsgroups: uk.local.yorkshire

On Sun, 26 Sep 1999 13:59:51 GMT, derek... wrote:

>All>
>Does anybody know how LBA plans to detail with the projected growth of
>passengers over the next 20 years?

Wider seats?

Subject: Re: Hugo-Reviews #7- _A Canticle For Leibowitz_
From: jsn@... (John S. Novak, III)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written

On 28 Sep 1999 17:56:23 -0600, Jonathan W Hendry
<jhendry@...> wrote:
>Evelyn C. Leeper <eleeper@...> wrote:
>> Mike Schilling  <mikes@...> wrote:
>> > Pete McCutchen wrote:
>> > > On Mon, 27 Sep 1999 08:06:15 -0400, Elisabeth Carey

>> > > You do understand, don't you, that many of us who were raised in one
>> > > of the protestant sects find this whole process to be incredibly
>> > > alien?
>> > Those of us who were raised Jewish and don't have any tradition of an
>> > intercessor between us and God (e.g. Christ) find it even more alien.
>
>> And those who were raised atheist think the whole idea of God is alien.

>> (Hah!  Top that!)

>Those of us who were raised as marmosets think the whole idea
>of a non-arboreal existence is alien.

Us Martians think you're _all_ alien.

Subject: Re: Hugo-Reviews #7- _A Canticle For Leibowitz_
From: Matt Austern <austern@...>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written

rrhorton@... (Richard Horton) writes:

> On Tue, 28 Sep 1999 14:18:50 -0700, Mike Schilling <mikes@...>
> wrote:
>
> >Those of us who were raised Jewish and don't have any tradition of an
> >intercessor between us and God (e.g. Christ) find it even more alien.
>
> Do you really want a discursion into the nature of the Trinity?

Could we talk about gun control instead?

Subject: Re: An apology
From: Jason Willoughby <jwilloug@...>
Newsgroups: rec.games.roguelike.angband

Tom Morton <tmorton@...> wrote:

> Cyric the Mad <fooie@...> wrote in message
> news:RwPK3.11498$Vg4.447145@news1.rdc2.on.home.com...
>> I would like to apologise for my behaviour. I recently posted a thread
>> saying "Klavax the many headed is a faggot."
>>
>> I wish to take that back and say this.
>>
>> "Klavax the many headed is sexually challenged."

> Well done. Out of the fire trap and into the arms of medusa.
> [Don't get me wrong -- i think homosexuality should be punished
> with a red hot metal poker up a certain orafice but it's hardly
> politically correct to say so...]

Thank you for your salient point, Mr. Morton.  I would also point out
that America would be safer if everyone carried a gun, Buchanan should
be president, and Dungeons and Dragons is satanic.  Fetuses are
parasites that any woman is free to destroy, even though they are
inferior to men (its hormonal, poor things).  Evolution is proven
scientific fact, and creation "scientists" are all wingnuts (Jesus was a
pedophile, I have proof), but they're not nearly as bad as Europeans.
Especially the French.  The holocaust never happened, nor were there
ever any massacres in Turkey.  We should allow mercy killings of the
elderly and disabled.  We need a Constitutional amendment against flag
burning, and it should be made a capital crime, by hanging.  So there.

Now, that ought to concentrate six months to a year's worth of diffuse
Usenet flamage in this thread, which I will now killfile.  Thank you.

Subject: Re: Laws Protecting Atheists?
From: tware@... (Therion Ware)
Newsgroups: alt.atheism

On 8 Oct 1999 08:28:25 GMT, eeinma@... (Niall McAuley)
wrote in alt.atheism:

>"steph" <gocklin@...> writes:
>>The Bill of Rights of the Texas Constitution (Article I, Section 4) states:
>>"No religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office,
>>or public trust, in this state; nor shall anyone be excluded from holding
>>office on account of his religious sentiments, provided he acknowledge the
>>existence of a Supreme Being."
>
>Diana Ross?

Works for me.

Subject: Re: Newfun Sextest
From: otto.man@... (Otto)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology

On 8 Oct 1999 13:05:10 -0500, stacia@... (The Avocado Avenger)
wrote:

>david_pacheco@... (David Pacheco) writes:
>
>>Interesting.  My result says that I will only have sex with one more
>>person in my life, and that person will be Bill Clinton.
>
>  Thank you.  Amidst people like robert lindsay and Nick telling us
>they're going to have sex with 22 people per year for the next 82 years of
>their lives, I got "You'll have sex with one person before you die,"
>this despite the fact that I've had sex with more than one person
>already.

Masturbation when you suffer from multiple-personality disorder
doesn't count.

Subject: Re: social decay
From: Dan Sheppard <dans@...>
Newsgroups: ucam.chat

Simon Tatham  <anakin@...> wrote:
>Dan Sheppard  <dans@...> wrote:
>> Agnosticism is (often seen as) a positive belief. The belief that
>> nothing _can_ be known about the existence, or otherwise, of God. I
>> think that needs proof.
>
>Arrgh. So you want meta-agnosticism. My head hurts.
>

I was thinking more of para-agnosticism, which might be the assertion
that one believes that one knows nothing about the existence or
otherwise of god. Rather than a belief that it _cannot_ be known, a
belief that _I, here and now_ do not know. Of course you can argue
that belief requires proof too. And as Mark points out it can get
silly when you chain them together.

A para-para-meta-meta-para-meta-agnostic would, for example be someone
who believes something like

I believe that I do not know whether I know, or not, that one can
never be certain whether one can prove that I do not know whether one
cannot know whether one can discover the existence or otherwise of
god.

Subject: Re: Jewel's Melons
From: Erasmus Brown <ebrown@...>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.jewel

fn_showstopper@... wrote:

> I was just looking at some pics of Jewel's huge cantalopes. Does anyone
> know if she's a "C" or "D" cup?

I never saw her melons, but I understand she has a nice tomato garden, and
she grows cucumbers and radishes as well...
But what does this have to do with her cup size?

Subject: Re: Has ANYBODY Ever Done These Shows??
From: noelkatz@... (Noel Katz)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.theatre.musicals

>PLAIN AND FANCY is performed every summer at  the Amish
>Acres Theater.

I nominate this for "Least likely production to be interrupted by an audience
member's cellular phone ringing."